Happiness Tree

Is Fear Controlling Your Life or the Life of Someone You Love?

Are You Controlling or Being Controlled by Others?

All of us need to feel a certain degree of control over events in our lives, that is healthy. But how much is enough and how much is too much?

Because other people, their activities, their thoughts and their feelings can definitely effect us, when viewed globally, it would seem necessary to control them, so that their impact on us can be managed, but this is unhealthy. And yet, we all can easily drift from a healthy "management" of our personal lives to become a controlling influence on the lives of others, perhaps without even realizing it. 

Let's examine a day in the life of a person we will call Dorothy and how the influence of control has impacted her. Dorothy grew up in a small family, just her and her sister, Mom and Dad. Times were always tough financially and both parents had to work full time to keep the rent paid and food on the table. Because health care was expensive, doctor visits for the parents were reserved for the rare emergencies. Consequently, when the Father's health began to deteriorate, the importance of the symptoms were downplayed and the stress of the denial was channeled into even more work and sacrifice, until one day, he had a massive stroke and died suddenly. 

Because the family's focus was on providing for today, rather than planning for the future, there were no contingencies in place to deal with the sudden loss of income and parental guidance that resulted from the Father's sudden demise and so, in the midst of all their grief, everyone had to pitch in, to whatever degree possible, to survive. Bills went from past due, to default and then to collection. Vendors would hound the family day and night to demand payment. The stress on Dorothy's Mom took a tremendous toll and she began to develop diabetes, eventually spending precious time in the hospital. The family fell farther behind, eventually having to downsize into a one bedroom apartment. The girls shared a room and Mom slept in the hall on a cot. 

Because the Father had always taken care of the car, now, in his absence, maintenance on the vehicle fell far behind and one day, the engine overheated and seized. It was a total loss and from that point on, everyone had to rely on the bus to get to and from school and work. This almost intractable situation continued well into the girls' teen years, until one day, Mom met a man. He and the girls became close and before long, he was spending long weekends over. Eventually, Mom and the new man got married and things got a little easier. But for Dorothy's Mom, the psychological damage of the preceding years had taken its toll. The seemingly endless loss and struggle left her with a kind of "post-traumatic stress" and she became worried about everything, anticipating danger and catastrophe at every turn and trying to control the girls' activities to such a degree, that it put a tremendous strain on their relationship and potentially limiting the development of the girls' normal coping skills and maturation . Both girls grew up under this cloud of fear and over-protectiveness and though Dorothy's sister seemed immune to it, Dorothy began to behave just like her mother: worrying about every deviation from what she deemed to be safe behavior. And when she got married, in spite of the fact she hated having to live under the veil of over-protection, she found herself putting the same limits on her children that she had railed against when she was young. 

If we could magically fast-forward into the future, it would not be unreasonable to assume we might find Dorothy's children becoming fearful, cautious and controlling as well and then, passing that behavior on to their children and so on. 

So how can this cycle of fear-based control be broken? it is not easy, because to the fearful person, their pleas for caution and restraint seem perfectly legitimate and necessary. And, in the case of children, they are natural risk-takers and need to have parental limits put on them for their own protection. So again, how much is too much and how do we know when we are over-doing it?

This is when it becomes important to rely on the comments of family and friends that we trust. If those around us are cautioning that our actions seem too limiting and controlling, chances are, we need to step outside of our fears and open our minds to that possibility. Additionally, if other children or people we care about are doing a particular activity with no or very few negative consequences, it may be much safer than we percieve it to be; even though, we can only imagine a looming, undesirable outcome.

There are of course no guarantees that stepping away from our fears and giving ourselves and those we care about more latitude to try new things will always turn out perfectly. There may indeed be losses, injuries or worse. But one thing is for sure, when we constantly infuse fearful thinking into the subconscious of those close to us, we are most certainly programming them to be less likely to succeed at work and relationships, to be unable to assess risks and benefits on their own and then to pass along these disabling fears to their offspring. 

Normal, healthy maturation requires "calculated risk-taking". You must not only be willing to take these risks yourself, but allow others to do the same. Taking a desired or necessary action, in spite of the risks is called Courage. Progress in life requires courage as well as trial and error. Overcoming fears requires first a recognition that we are responding primarily from fear rather than confidence in ourselves and others and then taking baby steps to challenge those fears. This will develop new neural pathways in our brains that are not as likely to cause a cascade of stress producing hormones, whenever life presents us with risk. 

Conclusion: Happiness depends on taking calculated risks and building confidence in ourselves and others. When you allow fear to control your life, you rob yourself and others of the joys associated with accomplishment and growth. Listen to those around you to determine if you are perceived as too fearful and controlling. If so, make a commitment to yourself and your family to challenge these fears and to listen to reasonable arguments in favor of trying something new. Slowly, you will be able to loosen your death-grip on life and relax, knowing that you and others must find their own dynamic balance between safety and risk. Your new positive attitude toward uncertainty may influence others to follow your lead and then, you will have begun a new legacy of freedom and confidence which will live on for generations to come.

More Happiness, Through Better Money Management

If this has been an ongoing issue for you, you have lots of company! Clay tokens inscribed with cuniform symbols, dating back to 4000 B.C.E. were used by the Sumerians to keep track of grain sales and other transactions.

Since then, our record keeping has pogressed quite a bit, but our struggles with money are pretty much the same. The reason most often given for the failure of marriages is disagreement over finances. 

In fact, I could sit here day and night for a year, writing about money and still not fully address all it's complexities. So what can be said here in a few paragraphs that can be of any help at all? Wait…I'm thinking. 

Okay, let's try this: 

Savings - The world is an uncertain place, and as such, you need to have insurance in the form of savings to handle unexpected developments, such a losing a job, health problems, automotive repairs and the like. We have insurance for so many other things, even life insurance to take care of our families after we're gone, but, ironically, we don't think of much more likely emergencies cropping and how we might handle them. So find a way to set aside as much as you can, preferably in a savings account, rather than cash, which is too easy to pilfer when temptation arises. A different saving account can be used to save for desires, like a cruise or a new car. But make sure not to mix or or dip into your emergency fund. It will provide peace of mind and a true lifeline when life takes an unexpected turn.

Credit - This is what gets most people into trouble; it's just too easy to use and then postpone the pain of repayment into the future. If you are disciplined enough to use a credit card, for example, and pay it within 30 days, before interest accrues, you are a rare individual indeed and can probably use credit safely. But for the rest of us, credit is another way for banks to get rich off of our hard earned money, using the psychology of "out of sight, out of mind" to their advantage. And the interest that is charged, if not paid off in a timely fashion, will compound and can actually exceed the amount of the original charge, in which case, you will be paying more than twice for the service or item you originally purchased. Not too smart! Right?

My advice: carry a credit card for emergencies and forget it. If you do use it, pay off the balance as soon as possible, so as not to accrue interest on the purchase. Some other types of credit are necessary, such as that used to buy a home or to replace an old vehicle. But really examine your long term income prospects and existing debt to ensure you will be able to afford the additional monthly expense. If not, better to wait, save what you can and develop a plan to achieve your goals in the future. 

Debit cards - I have found that this is the most efficient way for me to manage my money. I keep track of what's in my bank account and how much I have to spend. I know I cannot spend more than I have, therefore, I will not be accruing any debt. The disadvantage of a debt card, relative to a credit card, is that if it is stolen and used to purchase items without your consent, you may lose the money in your bank account for good, especially if you don't report the missing card and or the unauthorized charges immediately. Credit cards on the other hand are initially using the bank's money and if the card is stolen or misused, the bank can begin an investigation to determine if a crime was committed. If so, you will not be held responsible. But remember, credit cards carry the potential of being able to accumulate your purchases, which can easily snowball out of control. So be careful!

Money problems have the potential to ruin your happiness and sense of control over your destiny. So treat your money as you would any valuable relationship, with care, forethought and consistency. If you become depressed because you can't have what you want, when you want it; remember, most of the world's population has trouble meeting their basic needs for food, shelter and medical care. If you have those covered, you are doing better than you think. Be grateful and develop a plan to achieve your goals, through discipline and thoughtful choices. 

 

Co-Dependence - Are You in Its Toxic Grasp?

You may have heard the term "codependent" and may have also heard or assumed that it was related to substance addiction. Well, that is half right. It is an ultimately destructive process, but not necessarily involving substances such as alcohol or drugs.

It is more clearly defined as an addictive behavior pattern that employs subtle and varied methods of controlling others to get our needs met.

It is a complex subject, a full exploration of which is beyond the scope of this writing, but suffice it to say, it is difficult to see the elements of codependence in our own behavior.  So, if someone close to you, such as a friend or spouse has suggested you may be codependent, chances are they see something you do not and their suggestion should be considered well meaning and perhaps worthy of your investigation.

One very popular and helpful resource on the subject is the book: "Codependent No More" - How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. Additionally, there are many resources on the internet you may wish to peruse before investing in a book.

But I bought and read this book many years ago and ended up highlighting almost every page, as there were so many insidious patterns described there that I saw in myself. It was painful to learn how I had damaged my past relationships, but that was also the moment that my healing began. 

Think about it!

Happiness Depends on Making the Right Choices

It may seem unknowable, what the right choices are today, as their propriety is often more clear in the rear view mirror. But there are ways to evaluate the suitability of a choice, before you make it; which is important, because doing so may have a positive effect on other events in your life and open you up to opportunities which are more suited to your needs and personality. 

We humans like to think of ourselves as primarily intellectual creatures, but honestly, we are more likely to act on impulses resulting from our emotions, than upon reason. Our cerebral cortex, which has evolved over hundreds of thousands of years is indeed the most complex structure in the known universe and is capable of amazing feats of creativity and skill. But a more primitive, yet in many ways, more powerful motivator is our brain stem and limbic system. This was a feature of our lineage, since before our ancestors walked upright and serves as our early warning and survival mechanism, alerting us to danger; keeping us on the lookout for sexual partners and giving us the strength to fight or run, depending on what challenges we may encounter. So often, choices are made here, before we have a chance use to our higher intellect to evaluate their suitability. Have you ever said "YES!", to a shiny red sports car, only to later decide that it's impractical and too expensive? 

Your first decision may result from fear or passion, (as in losing out on a presumed unique opportunity). Salespeople seize upon this fear when they try to compel you with phrases like: "tomorrow, the price will go up", or "this special deal is only available today!" However, a seasoned sales professional would truthfully prefer to know you've had time to consider your options and decide in favor of a given offer, rather than trying to back out after feeling pressured to sign on the dotted line. 

Sex is also an area where people are likely to make poorly considered decisions that can have far reaching effects on the rest of their lives. Women are much more likely to put on the brakes, preferring to take time for some kind of relationship to develop before diving into intimacy, and this is one of the areas where men could learn a thing or two from women. But the drive to procreate is so powerful, that the rational mind is forced into submission a by our hormonally driven impulses, and then for so many incompatible couples, pregnancy comes as an unwelcome surprise, which not only affects the lives of the two adults involved, but also any future children that might result from that union. 

So, when it comes to evaluating your options, time is your friend. When faced with a choice, even something as seemingly innocuous as a sarcastic remark at someone else's expense, consider how it may be received and perceived. Opening your mouth, before your brain is in gear can hurt others or damage your reputation, neither of which is a desirable outcome. If the stakes are higher, it is even more important to take the necessary time to contemplate various outcomes. Take actions to calm your emotions, thereby allowing the wisdom of your deeper subconscious to be heard. Engage in a menial task, that doesn't require much mental processing: clean the house; rake leaves; organize the garage. The semi-mindless movement will stimulate thought and put you in touch with areas of your mind involved in reasoning. Ideally, a conversation will begin, revealing competing scenarios  and perspectives; our past experiences and beliefs about human nature and fate will come into play, tugging us in one direction and then another, until eventually, we arrive at a better understanding of our options and the possible ramifications they entail. 

Sometimes, it is true, that there are no "good" choices. You may only have undesirable options and have to choose between them. Again, your emotions may lead you in the wrong direction, especially if you are attached to or obsessed by a particular outcome. In spite of all evidence to the contrary, your mind will search for another impossible solution to lessen the impact of the inevitable change you are facing. This is when you need to step outside yourself. Imagine a friend comes to you with this same conundrum, what would you tell him? This is the objective position you need to take to see things more clearly and choose correctly. 

Impulsiveness is essential when you're being chased by a bear. As the saying goes: "the lack of options clears the mind". But in most other things, taking the necessary time to weigh benefits and risks will result in better decisions. Certainly, there are exceptions, such as where a snap judgement landed someone a killer job, or when you regret not putting someone in their place, when you had the chance. No one will really know what might have happened if you had journeyed down the road not taken. But the benefit of not having to live with the consequences of a bad decision is a much better strategy for creating happiness then relying on the unlikely positive outcome of an ill-considered action. 

Until a time machine is invented that allows us to undo our mistakes, every decision and action we take,  will slowly alter the course of our lives and that of those we love. Everything matters! Remember that and every day will be the best it can possibly be.

Are You Addicted To Drama?

 

Are You Addicted to Drama?

2500 years ago, the Ancient Greeks created "Drama", an art form that lives on today in movies and plays. But the name now lends itself to a real life human characteristic: that being the over-dramatization of one's emotional life. Each person's individual reasons for engaging in this behavior is as complex as the scenarios that it plays out, but it is fair to say that it serves to affirm certain beliefs the person has about themselves, others in their lives and humanity in general. Also, like the ancient art form for which it's named, it attracts an audience of sympathizers and comforters, who by their actions, actually keep the performance going much longer than it otherwise would, or should. 

However, the label of drama needs to be distinguished from legitimate emotional pain, which is a normal human reaction to loss, grief, fear, or sudden unsettling revelations. Very often, those suffering and struggling with real life challenges seek solitude and privacy to work out their feelings and begin the healing process. But those who intentionally ramp up the emotional intensity of events in their lives, prefer to do so in the presence of friends and family, who will rally support for the apparently traumatized person and thereby provide the true reward for the production: attention. 

That is not to say that it is ill-advised or unhealthy to seek out a close friend or even a professional who will listen and provide constructive feedback, indeed it is. But as these life events are thankfully rare in most peoples lives, the need for such intervention is equally rare and this is where the drama-seeker stands out in stark contrast to the average "unhappy" person. As the need for attention is an addictive behavior and by definition, the addict needs more and more of the desired "drug" (in this case: attention), to get the same effect. So these traumatic life events start to happen with greater and greater frequency. That is how we can tell if we or someone in our lives is caught up in this revolving door of emotional intensity. 

While these people will eventually be gossiped about behind their back and derided as hysterical drama queens, their lives are truly out of balance. They may actually not realize that they are creating disturbances and stirring up trouble in order to get their attention fix, and without such knowledge, they are unlikely to take the necessary steps to stop the downward spiral.  As  people in their lives begin to realize that their friend or family member is "crying wolf", they will begin to pull away and not provide the drug so desperately needed by the drama-addicted person. This is when it can become dangerous, as the affected person goes to greater lengths to return the focus to themselves. Extra-marital affairs, violence, lying and even suicide attempts are not uncommon strategies. 

What To Do If You're Caught Up in Drama's Addictive Grip

How can we help ourselves if we realize we are caught up in this destructive cycle? First of all, you must be compassionate with yourself. It is very easy for any of us to become accustomed to patterns of behavior beyond our awareness, that take over our lives. Recognition of the fact that you are constantly unhappy and always complaining about something or someone in your life is a first step and a possible clue that you or someone you know has a drama addiction. However, as there is a "reward" component to this behavior, it is very difficult to break down, because the attention you receive during relapses allows powerful hormones to be released into your brain, causing you to feel pleasure… which is of course is short lived, thereby giving rise to a continuation of the pattern. 

If your life is seriously out of control, it may require a period of intensive psychotherapy, maybe even coupled with temporary anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication to interrupt the cycle of chemical reward supplied by the brain during dramatic events. No doubt about it, this is a serious condition that has the potential to rob you and those who care for you of joy and hope. 

Can you go it alone and return emotional balance and propriety to your life without professional help? Yes, but it will require discipline. As was eluded to earlier, recognition of a problem is the first step. Then temporarily (or if necessary, permanently), removing yourself from the people or situations which exacerbate your emotions is next. This may be difficult or currently impossible, as the offending person or situation may be a spouse, a part of our family or even our job. But making plans to put distance between you and your emotional triggers is key and may in time require substantial life changes. 

Don't be impulsive! Take time to review your life in detail, by writing about and evaluating your current and past relationships and doing an honest appraisal of how they began to fail or become dysfunctional. Chances are, there will be plenty of blame to go around, including yourself. You'll have to accept that and commit to changing destructive attitudes and behaviors that undermine your success and happiness. 

When you feel the need to react to something someone says or does, take an intentional "time out" to break down the anatomy of the event and honestly evaluate if your level of emotional intensity around the 'presumed offense' is legitimate. Even if it is, don't react to it the same way you have in the past. Consider what the other person may have going on in their lives that is causing them to be unkind or even cruel. Not to excuse them, but rather to lessen your tendency to take the action or comment personally. It is very helpful to remind yourself "It's not about me", when others throw darts in your direction. They are in their own personal pain and may be inadvertantly crying out for help through their displays of anger or indifference. 

A book I can highly recommend is called "Emotional Resilience", by Dr. David Viscott. Consume it like a fine wine, allowing each element of the work to seep into your subconscious and challenge your current beliefs and behaviors. Explore other works on emotions, perusing the isles in the bookstore for titles which tickle your curiosity. 

Finally, expand your life beyond its current bubble. Volunteer, travel, start a hobby, join groups around themes in which you have an interest. Meet others who have come from circumstances far worse than yours and learn how they coped and in some cases, thrived in spite of them. This will help you grow and learn new strategies for dealing with your own emotional triggers. 

The need for constant attention is a vestige from childhood and is what gives rise to overly dramatic behavior. It's time to grow and embrace adult life with all of its challenges and rewards and find ways to become emotionally self contained and balanced. Then and only then, will you find true happiness and peace of mind and subsequently attract healthy people and relationships which will continue to support that. 

 

Happiness Doesn't Just Happen, You Have to Nurture It

Happiness is not just something that happens to you, it is an intention that you nurture, like good health or a friendship. You build it day by day through your habits and choices. Review other posts in my Happiness Makeover blog to learn how.

Make Your Home a Sanctuary of Comfort and Happiness

A friend has asked you to occupy their home, while they are away on a vacation. When you arrive, you walk in, there is a handmade fountain that greets you with the sound of babbling water. As you make your way into the foyer, there are one of a kind paintings of animals in dark frames, contrasting with the clean, white walls. The wood floors and richly colored rugs draw you into the living room; furnished with an overstuffed sofa and chair, tastefully accented with dried flower arrangements and side tables.

This gives way to the garden which awaits just beyond, bursting with color from a variety of roses, hibiscus, lantana, passion flower and plumeria. Scents abound and invite you to rest a while. As you open up a lounge chair, you're aware of various songbirds just beyond, gathering to feed on the sunflower seeds that were left for them earlier in the day. As the songbirds scatter and silence returns for a moment, you again hear the sound of water, but this time emanating from a small grotto in the garden. This makes you aware that the dry afternoon heat has left you parched and you decide to grab some water. Suddenly, your eye catches a juicy strawberry beckoning your consumption. You gently tug on the ripe fruit and pop it in your mouth. The intensely sweet freshness explodes on your tongue. 

As you enter the kitchen, through the French doors, an oscillating fan rotates in your direction, gently bathing you in fresh, cool air. Sitting on the granite countertops, you discover a clay canister filled with filtered water. In the well organized kitchen, you easily find the perfect glass, fill it with ice from the ice maker and add the water from the canister. As you sip the cool refreshment, you observe that life abounds everywhere. Wide leafed plants hang from the ceiling and fresh herbs await within reach to season a Summer soup. You wonder what you might make for dinner and open the refrigerator doors. You are greeted with a rainbow of brightly colored fruits and vegetables awaiting your creative touch. Feeling satisfied that every possible creature comfort is at your disposal, you turn on the stereo, select some soothing piano music and drift off to sleep in your own personal paradise. 

This may sound like a mansion, nestled in an expensive development, but the description is what I hope visitors experience as they enter my living space, for this is my home in a very modest neighborhood in Southern California.

Over the years, I have learned and developed hobbies and talents such as painting, fountain creation and gardening, which have added personal touches to the home, making it comfortable to live in and a source of pride that I enjoy sharing with family and friends.

Adding these aesthetic elements was not expensive and was accomplished over time, by finding bargains at discount stores, nurseries and estate sales, in some cases using the items as they were or combining elements to create something entirely new. 

Make Your Home an Ever Evolving Work of Art - Don't think of your house or apartment as just a place to hang your hat, eat, sleep and bathe. Your home should reflect your passions, your travels, your personality. Don't worry about waiting for a matching set of chairs and tables, add what you like to create an eclectic and interesting space that begs exploration by your visitors. Move things around and experiment. Add a touch of color to pottery, make floral arrangements on your balcony, move a comfy chair to different parts of the house to see where it feels most at home.

Set aside a small part of your monthly budget to enhance the garden or interior on a regular basis. Dedicate a few hours of each week to maintain your home through dusting, cleaning and organizing. It may not be fun at first, but the result will be very satisfying and make your home more livable for you and also more inviting to others. 

Make where you live a sanctuary and whenever you are there, happiness will just naturally envelope you. 

 Shane Eric Mathias

Time alone is critical time for reflection

 

Download Audio File - Time Alone Time For Reflection

As you you may have discovered, balance is one of the keys to setting the stage for more satisfaction in your life and certainly, finding a balance between social and solitary activities is part of that process. Remember, the most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. It is the basis upon which all other relationships are built. When you are busy with social activities, development of your personal inner self takes a back seat until you return to silence and solitude and process the events of the previous day or week. It is then and only then that you can reflect on your experiences, feelings and thoughts to shape your view of people and things in your life and your relationship to them. That is when the true growth takes place. 

 

Evolution has made our senses of critical importance in our survival. Therefore, they take center stage when we are surrounded by others. What we hear, see and feel when we're out in the world stimulates the more primitive areas of our brain associated with survival and social ranking. This causes the quiet inner voices or our higher selves to be subdued, until such time as our antennae, if you will, are receiving less input allowing our subconscious to bubble up to the surface and be heard. 

 

But you must intentionally create this "alone time", because our external relationships being what they are, they constantly vie for our attention, through phone calls, emails, texts, business interactions and friendships. Work this quiet time into your schedule just like any other appointment and honor it with the same importance. This balance between social and personal time will help to define your character, give you confidence in your decisions and create a far stronger foundation from which to reengage with the world.

When Grief and Loss Strike and Happiness Seems Like an Impossible Dream

 

Download Audio File - When Happiness Seems Impossible

Dark, lonely days, filled with misery, that just seemed to blur into one never ending punishment, broken only by blessed sleep, when I could manage it. The psychological pain was so intense, there was no joy in anything I did. Life was just a series of tasks that were necessary to keep my entire world from spiraling down into the vortex that had consumed any hope of happiness. 

 Some call it 'the dark night of the soul". The French call it "la petit mort", (the little death). It is a universal human experience: the complete collapse of our emotional world which can result from the death of a loved one, the ending of a relationship, a diagnosis of a serious illness, a legal entanglement, the loss of a career or one of many other possible traumatic life events. No one escapes. Every life will eventually be touched by tragedy and it can feel like a final ending. Nothing anyone says seems to lessen the severity of the pain and if you're suffering now, you're probably even deriding this article as so much rose colored rubbish. And I can't blame you. 

 But try to let this truth seep into your subconscious, an ending IS also a beginning. It does not feel that way now, but I can tell you as a survivor of several such events, in my 50 something years, things do eventually get better. Much better! But you must try to heal yourself, right from the beginning. Focus on what you can actually do. It may even be difficult to get out of bed, but you must. It may feel impossible to fix a meal, but your survival depends upon it. You may fear contact with others and feel more safe by isolating yourself and that is normal for a while, maybe a week or so, but you must force yourself to get out and be around people. Maybe just a coffee shop for dinner. or out for a walk along a popular breezeway. It will stimulate feelings and probably painful ones at that, but you have to feel them, you have to allow them to rise to the surface, to be exposed to the light of day, so that their intensity will eventually begin to lessen. 

 But you will want to spend more time alone than you were comfortable with in the past. You will feel misunderstood and judged by others and this will cause you to seek out new activities that you can engage in by yourself and for yourself. Do not resist this desire, go with it. This is often the time when the inner artist, musician, writer, athlete or photographer will emerge and that development will at once become a way to heal and a reason to heal. You may find hours consumed in your nascent passion during which you feel only contentment. This is when you will know that a new beginning is just around the corner. When you are ready, it may be helpful to find a group or class that gathers around an activity in which you have an interest. Go, meet others that share your curiosity and start to feel more balanced again. 

For now, know that It is normal and understandable to see these circumstances as a form of punishment, for some unknown transgression. But this is the price of growth. When you emerge from this life passage, you will not be the same person. Yes, you may be bitter, resentful and cautious for a while, but it will pass and you will begin to put things into perspective, in a way that you would not have imagined possible only weeks before. 

 Reduce your expectations for now. Don't expect to be happy today or even tomorrow. But try to have faith that you will be happy again, perhaps beyond your wildest dreams. Keep moving, go to work, feed yourself, exercise, sleep as much as you can, make baby steps towards neutral, fun activities and you will be fine. You are transforming, you are evolving, you are growing. It sucks that this is the way it has to happen, but that's how it is. Accept that and face your pain head on. Tomorrow and each day after, things will be a little better. Until one day, you will look back upon this moment and be grateful. Believe it or not! 

 

 

The Importance of Overall Health in the Happiness Equation

 

 

Now with the advancement in our ability to measure various functions of our bodies, comes greater focus on disease prevention and the true meaning of "being healthy". What is health anyway? As with fear, exhaustion, hunger or cold, does health have a feeling in the body? I would submit that it does, but we have become accustomed to turning it off, because we feel that we don't have time to address it. So we need to become reacquainted with that feeling: in essence, reconnect our body and mind, once again. How can you do this?

Sit down, turn off the TV, make sure the kids are away at school or whatever and that you're alone. Close your eyes and start scanning your body with your mind. You will do this by asking a series of questions: 
Does my head hurt? Do you have a low grade headache?; Is my neck sore? Do you feel tension in your neck and or shoulders?; Moving down the body now... How is my breathing? Labored or easy?; How does my back feel? Sore, tense, is there any discomfort? Continue down the body through the hips, legs, feet, then internal organs, heart, lungs and stomach. You get the picture. 

The issue is not so much one of whether you can actually detect disease with your mind, but how do you feel in these areas. If you feel pain or discomfort, there may indeed be a corrective action that is necessary. But more to the point, that off feeling will seep into your subconscious and drag you down. By the end of the day, you'll be more tired, cranky and less efficient. And that deficit of feeling well, will accumulate until you just become used to operating at 50%. Like an eight cylinder motor trying to push a car up a hill with only 4 cylinders firing. Sounding familiar?

So what can be done about it. Well now that you have identified aches, pains and discomfort in your body, you have areas where you can focus your attention, as well as working on your overall well being. Below are the areas that make up a healthy lifestyle and that contribute to feeling and functioning well. 

Regarding maintaining weight

Calories in/Calories out – It’s that simple guys and gals. Don’t make it more complicated than it needs to be. Consume fewer calories and become more active and you will lose weight. I will tell you though, from personal experience, it does seem to get harder as we get older. Science has gone back and forth confirming, then denying, that age and metabolism are related. We may never know for sure. Perhaps we have a set point already built into our genes that programs us for a particular weight at different times of our lives. But here is my philosophy: if you are eating reasonably and have an active lifestyle, spending more time, energy and money trying to shed a few pounds may only serve to knock your life out of balance. 

I believe it is possible to be over your "ideal weight" ,whatever that means, and still be healthy. If your heart rate is low; 60-70 beats per minute, your blood pressure is within guidelines (115/70, being ideal), your blood sugar and cholesterol is managed, then you're probably healthier than most people, even some of those who appear to be thinner. 

Pay attention to food groups

There are 3 major food groups: Protein, fats and carbohydrates. You need a healthy balance of all three in your diet to maintain body functions and energy. If you focus on vegetables, fruits, high quality protein, whole grains and nuts in that order; you'll go a long way to improving your diet. Try to include most of these foods in your diet every day. Don’t worry about keeping a journal or getting all nerdy about it. Just keep a mental note of what you’ve eaten and if one of the groups is missing, try to add it to your next meal. With fruits and vegetables, consume as many different colors as you can throughout the week. For an example: eggplant (purple), cauliflower (white), blueberries (well, blue of course) and so on. All these colors indicate that they contain different elements that you need for a complete diet. Using the color system to keep track of what you’ve eaten is an easy and effective way to ensure you get more vitamins and nutrients into your body. When buying nuts, look for raw, unsalted. These will have fewer calories and salt, of course. 

“Whole Wheat” is a confusing term, which doesn’t necessarily mean only “Whole Grain”. Look at the ingredients on the package of any food containing grain; such as bread or pasta and look for the words “Whole Grain”. That is where you will find out if it’s the real deal or not, rather than on the front label. 

Note: If you feel slugish and achey all the time, it is possible that you have an allergy to wheat products. This is a common and underdiagnosed condition and if you suspect you have it, it's worth getting a simple test to determine it's presence or absence, then you can orient your diet accordingly.

With proteins; like beef, chicken, fish, eggs etc., it’s better to eat mainly lean meats such as turkey, egg whites, baked skinless chicken and fish throughout the week. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a hot dog or even a nice juicy steak now and then, but eat those proteins in moderation or as a special treat, rather than as a staple of your diet.  

 Eat until you’re satisfied rather than stuffed

This requires you to eat more slowly, because it takes a while (usually 20 minutes) for your brain to register that you’ve had enough to eat. This will take some practice, especially if you’re used to ordering big portions at the restaurant and always leaving the plate empty, or consuming calorie dense foods at home or parties such as creamy pastas and desserts and not giving any thought to how much you’ve taken in. Do what we call “eating responsibly”. Learn to feel what it’s like to be satisfied, rather than stuffed at the dinner table and you will find that you feel better and will have an easier time regulating your weight. 

 Vitamins and Supplements

They are expensive; yet I do believe they can be an important part of a healthy lifestyle. But don’t go overboard. One good multivitamin and extra vitamin D (2000-4000 IU) is a good start. Later, if you want to add more, as you learn about the different properties of phytonutrients, antioxidants and minerals, etc., I encourage you to do so, but just don’t break the bank in the process. 

Exercise

Need not be something you reserve only for the gym, if you belong to one. Exercise is a daily habit that basically means: get your butt off the sofa or out of the office chair and do something physical. Clean the house; do yard work; wash the car; go for a walk or a hike; make love and so on. Get my drift? That is not to say that working with weights, swimming, or participating in an exercise class is not useful- It certainly is-and I encourage you to incorporate these activities whenever possible. But don’t wait for that opportunity to arise in your busy schedule to get active. Broaden your definition of exercise and give yourself credit every time you do something physical, especially if you sweat or increase your heart rate in the process. Exercise is not just for losing weight, It is essential for many bodily functions such as digestion, proper joint function and blood flow. 

Get Enough Rest

We covered this in a previous post, but for review: 

Proper sleep (7-8 hours) is critical for most people's health. During sleep, the body repairs itself and performs many essential biological functions. Getting enough rest can even help you control your weight, oddly enough. And if you have missed some sleep throughout the week, its very helpful to take a nap, now and then. Many say they don't have the time, but as you will see, once you learn how to manage your time differently, you may find spaces in your day that allow for a 20-40 minute nap. You can't believe how refreshing it is. 

There is a science known as "sleep hygiene" and it has many facets. But it is important to heed what has been learned about sleep and practice certain rituals to ensure your sleep is deep and health promoting. See previous article on sleep to learn more. 

Deal with Stress

So how do you do that? Well, as you may be beginning to see, all of these areas of health are interrelated. Good nutrition gives you energy to do exercise, which helps you sleep better, which leads to better weight control, which in turn, reduces the strain on your heart and joints and so on. And the reduction of stress is also the result of a multidisciplinary approach. Eating well, getting exercise and getting proper rest will definitely go a long way to helping you deal better with the stress you have. But as you will see there is more you can do. Research vitamins and herbs that contribute to stress management, maintain your financial and personal affairs more effectively, keep your home and work space free of clutter, organize your files, your closet and your kitchen, take up a hobby that pleases you and do it often, spend quality time with friends and family, get out in nature regularly. Smell the fresh air, listen to the sound of flowing water, allow your soul to reconnect the the rhythms of life that become obscured in our crowded and noisy cities and address your problems head on, rather than procrastinating and allowing them to fester. Do something every day to make a positive difference in your life, no matter how small and give yourself credit for doing so. Be your best friend and love yourself. 

Conclusion: Follow these habits and check in periodically with how your body feels. Chances are, you will begin to notice a difference immediately, which will just become more profound over time. Then, eventually,you will just take feeling good for granted and that will allow space in your body, mind and life for lasting happiness to take hold.