Happiness Tree

Money May Not Make You Happy, But Oddly, Nobody Wishes For Less.

Rutgers University recently surveyed 1100 people about how they have been affected by the economic downturn and it's aftermath.

NPR article about the study

Here are the results:

 

Even though: 

The unemployment rate has gone from 10% to 6%;

10 million jobs have been created;

Car sales are improved; 

Retailers are optimistic about the upcoming holiday shopping season;

The stock market continues to see record highs;

And economic indicators paint an optimistic picture…

 

Most people's personal finances have not improved.

42% are still worse off then when the recession began. 

Only 33% have regained their previous spending power. 

71% see the damage the recession caused, as permanent.

2 out of 3 Americans have not seen any rebound in their finances since the recession supposedly ended. 

Only 1 in 4 expects the economy to get any better.

And for recent college graduates, the outlook is even worse: many will have to continue living with parents or move back in. Additionally, they are saddled with school debts, work 2 or 3 jobs and have little hope of ever buying a home or starting a family. 

So, with that depressing look at how the overall economy is effecting people's lives, how can you avoid becoming a statistic, unable to keep your head above water and having little optimism about the future?

You Need a Plan

Hardship can actually begin the practicing of habits that make sense anyway and that last a lifetime. Here are some tips that can pay big dividends year after year, saving you thousands and helping you achieve your goals regardless of what the economy does:

1. Take care of your vehicles - The cost of purchasing of a vehicle is only exceeded by education and housing in terms of it's impact on a family's budget. When you do buy a car, resist the temptation to buy new or purchase on credit. Shop around for a certified used vehicle or buy a gently driven unit from a trusted friend or family member, then take great care of it. Do your research to determine which is likely to last and require the least amount of maintenance. Japanese cars and trucks still have a huge edge over American or European models, lasting decades and still purring like kittens after half a million miles, with very few mechanical problems. Change oil regularly, keep tires rotated and inflated to optimal pressure, protect the paint and interior with sun protection and surface treatments, do the regularly scheduled maintenance and your car will reward you with loyalty and years of great service.

2. Shuttle money into savings every payday  When you receive your paycheck, immediately transfer $50, 100, 200, whatever you want to try, into your savings account and forget it. Can't afford it? 

You may believe you only have enough to survive on, with nothing left over, but chances are, financial commitments that you have chosen have eroded your expendable income and caused you to spend every penny you earn. For an example: are you really watching Showtime and HBO? How about that timeshare in Florida, when was the last time you went? How much do you spend at Starbucks each month for that latte you grab on your way to work? The gym membership you rarely use, the TV that stays on all night, the magazine subscription, shopping at Whole Foods rather than Walmart, grabbing dinner out 2-3 times a week, the bar tab you run at your local pub every weekend and on and on. I'm not saying you shouldn't have fun, by all means, you should. But do so thoughtfully. 

 

Consider making different choices to save money - Rent movies at Redbox when you have time to watch, rather than spending $30 per month on premium channels that run 24 hours, look for travel deals that fit your budget and schedule, rather than making a timeshare company rich, make coffee at home, even buy a reasonably priced espresso machine if you have to have foam with your java, find free activities to do for exercise, such as hiking and biking rather than paying a gym to keep its lights on when you're not there. 

Familiarize yourself with less expensive options for food, clothing and housewares. Chances are, you developed habits, when times were better, of shopping at upscale stores and never investigated Walmart, Ross, the Dollar stores and so on. Its no longer the refuge for the dregs of society, lots of middle class and former middle class people shop at discount stores. They are bright, clean and inviting and worth checking out. You will save lots! But I caution you against getting a Costco membership, and if you already have one, heed my warning. You can get a great deal on 55 gallons of dish soap, but it makes no sense to buy way more than you need of something to save a few dollars? And while you are there, you may decide you just cannot live without that 60" flat screen. See my point?

Buy good quality food, at the best possible price - In Europe, the average family spends 25% of their budget on food. They are generally healthier and happier than Americans. In the U.S. we spend barely 20% of our income at the grocery store and our diets are horrible. Cans, boxes, bags and bottles, full of fatty, sugary concoctions that promote heart disease, diabetes and maybe even cancer and Alzheimer's. We are willing pawns of a food industry that continues to peddle cheap empty calories as nutrition and it's costing us every day in wasted money and health. Spend a little bit more and learn how to cook at home, with vegetables, quality meats, whole grains, fruits and legumes. Do research online to discover recipes that your family will enjoy in place of the sweet tasting junk they're use to. Don't let the picky kids determine what the whole family will eat. Serve what's healthy and when they become hungry enough, they will eat it. That's the only way they will develop good eating habits and frankly, you couldn't be giving them a better gift for a long, healthy life.

Keep track of your expenses - For years, I have maintained an Excel spreadsheet. Now that I am an Apple computer devotee, I have just converted that Microsoft file to Google Docs and it works just fine. I keep every receipt and several times a week, I subtract what I spent from my bank register and also post it on to my spreadsheet in one of 20 or so categories I have created, such as: Food; Entertainment; Gasoline; Prescriptions; Clothing and so on. I do the same for my bills and then, I have a running record of how efficiently I am living. From one month to the next, I can see if the cost for gasoline, food, entertainment and so on has spiraled out of control. I may be able to tie that to an unavoidable event, such as driving to a relatives funeral in another state, or having to replace a washer, whatever. But, I can also see if my habits are beginning to cost me money and I can reign in my spending by altering my activities. 

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If you would like to receive an executable spreadsheet that you can customize for your own use, let me know and I will send it to you for free!

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Good insurance is worth the money - When I was run into by an unlicensed driver, earlier this year, my auto insurance company returned my car to me in better condition than before the accident. When my central air conditioning compressor (a $3000 item), died on me in the middle of Summer, my home owners insurance replaced it with a new unit. My deductible? $75. When I needed emergency surgery, my health insurance paid 100% of the cost. And now, for $35 a month, I have a security system on my home to deter crime and alert police if my home is broken into. When life happens, be prepared. It may seem senseless to pay every month for insurance you don't use, but the total cost of those payments will pale in comparison to what you will save, when you are in a crisis. Again, shop around for the best deal.

Consider solar energy for your home - My electric bill can be as much as $250 a month, due to air conditioning costs. What's more, is that the energy company will incrementally increase the cost of each unit of electricity by about 7% or more every year, for the foreseeable future. With my new solar system, which I lease, I my electric bill will only be $116 per month (the cost of the lease), every month, next 20 years, because my solar system will generate sufficient electricity to offset any additional costs. That's right, my electric bill will never rise above $116, regardless of how much energy I use. The leasing company is responsible for maintaining the system to ensure it runs efficiently, because they are contractually obligated to cover the cost of any electricity I do not produce due to poor performance. There are still Federal rebates available, which result in no out of pocket costs, making this a no brainer if you own your home and have good sun exposure. 

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Write to me if you'd like to learn more about solar. 

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Finally, if you own a home, consider refinancing - Historically low interest rates are still available on 15 and 30 year loans. When these rates are gone, and surely they will go some day, we will not likely see them again in our lifetimes. Act now, while you still can. 

Conclusion: There are thousands of dollars you are probably wasting every year, just through the choices you are making. Dedicate yourself to socking away $$ every month in a savings plan and carefully evaluate all of your expenditures, no matter how seemingly insignificant. A dozen or more seemingly insignificant expenses, multiplied by 365 days a year can really add up. 

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Making more money may not make you happier, 

but keeping more of the money you make, definitely will.

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If you have questions or comments about this article: 

Please contact S.E. Mathias

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All above content was generated by S.E. Mathias.  

Please contact the author regarding republishing any portion of this article

 

S.E. Mathias

 

Alaska - Become Happy Just By Watching!

No mind bending concepts, no mental exercises. In fact no reading at all. 

Just pure sensory pleasure.

Sit back and enjoy!

 

 

S. E. Mathias

 

 

 

Happiness Depends on Accepting Only Fair Treatment. Assert Your Convictions

"One needs to be slow to form convictions, but once formed, they must be defended against the heaviest odds" 

-Mahatma Gandhi

 

 

Over the last several years, I have observed a trend in the business world, as well as society at large:

 A disturbing lack of integrity. 

If this were a rare occurrence, one could write it off as an aberration, but it has become a troubling pattern that tears that the intrinsic trust most of us would like to expect in our dealings with fellow human beings. One could argue that economic pressures have forced businesses to adopt coping strategies that tend to tilt the game more in their favor, taking advantage of customers and clients in the process. While perhaps not acceptable, that would at least be understandable. We have become used to companies acting in their own self interest, hence the axiom: "Buyer beware".

But what I wish to discuss goes beyond only what one experiences in their commercial dealings. I wanted to point out how people's integrity in general has deteriorated: lying; not honoring commitments; poor manners; lack of generosity and a general flakiness has become far too commonplace. So much so, that when such behavior is recognized for what it is, those that speak out against it are derided as old fashioned or too uptight. 

What has caused this devolution of cultural values and mores? Tracing societal trends to their origin is  complicated and rarely can be blamed on any one factor, but certainly the influence of the Millennial generation has contributed to this decline in collective morale. Read about the problems of Millennials. On one hand I could somewhat excuse them for being self centered and rude, look at the world they're inheriting! They must see people over 50 and imagine a target on their foreheads, as if the entire previous generation is to blame for their not having received what they felt was promised to them. Yet, I am lucky enough to have met people from all over the world, some of whom have suffered tremendous hardship, lost family members to unspeakable crimes and who were forced to leave their homeland, and, they can be among the nicest people: gracious, appreciative and sophiticated. So what gives?

Blame it on the entitlement mentality the economy, global warming, the threat of terrorism... Who knows? When you're on the receiving end of bad treatment, it's irrelevant, you just need some coping strategies, because it's infuriating, disrespectful and upsetting. You want to speak up and make your feelings known, but, if you're like me, you tend to ruminate over the consequences of making a stand, fearing that you may be characterized as overly-dramatic or that you may damage the relationship. Yet, honestly, some people need to be put in their place, as they are all too happy to take advantage of your good nature and will use that against you. And the more their inconsiderate behavior is tolerated, the more they are encouraged to continue.

How many times have you kicked yourself in the butt, because you were reluctant to stand up for your rights? Especially if the offensive behavior has been promulgated by the same person time and time again. Someone who continues to mistake your tolerance for a willingness to be treated like a doormat. 

And so many do allow others to manipulate and control them through guilt, lies, or fear. And sadly, not only coworkers; friends and associates can engage in undermining your personal rights, but also family members. Unfortunately, many people are intrinsically selfish and if they can gain something, even if its at your expense, they will try. And if you allow it, you cannot condemn them for making you a victim. You did it to yourself. 

How can you find a balance between standing up for your right to be treated fairly and yet not over-reacting?

It's not easy. You may indicate several times "don't do that anymore"  Meaning: being late without calling, saying rude things in front of others, not showing up for prearranged events, preferring to bond with their electronic device rather than having an actual conversation, (what we might call "passive / agressive behavior"), and still it happens.

Finally, you're just fed up and raise your voice. Suddenly they're the victim and you're accused of being too dramatic! 

I say, don't waste your time and energy, unless this happens to be your own child, then you need to pound the concept of appropriate behavior into their heads, because frankly, that's the job you signed up for. 

But otherwise, keep in mind that people generally do not change. Your pleading for consideration, will in most cases, fall on deaf ears. It's not worth the emotional energy to continue the campaign for fair treatment, because you will more than likely be disappointed again and again. 

 

Here is how to maintain self-respect in an increasingly flaky world

 

1. Reduce your expectations. Though you may be inclined to put others before yourself, don't assume that your example will be instructive to others. It's easier for most people to be self-centered and to arrange their lives minute by minute to suit their shifting whims. For example, reserving the option to change their mind about a planned event at the last moment, a better opportunity arises, regardless if it leaves you in the lurch.

 

Anticipating bad behavior will keep you prepared. Then, if someone actually does the right thing, it will be a welcomed surprise.

2. Don't be codependent by accepting bad treatment as sign of how loving you are. There are many emotionally healthy persons who maintain very clear boundaries and still receive lots of love and perhaps, more importantly, lots of respect. 

 3. Surround yourself with people of good character. Only business and personal relationships that fit your particular ideal for healthy reciprocation. And as for the rest.. leave them behind. You'll be making the strongest statement possible, without speaking a word. 

4. Choose quality over quantity. Though people seem to believe that their value is increased by the number of friends they have, truthfully, the predictability, tranquility and satisfaction in life comes from having relationships with a select few people with whom we share characteristics in common. 

These may seem like cold and hard rules, but life is short. As for me, I place a high value on my time. When I make a commitment to share it with someone, I arrange my day so as to give them my full attention. When they don't reciprocate by being considerate, it becomes obvious to me that they are not deserving of such generosity. 

Conclusion: Know your rights, stand your ground and demand respect. There is no way you can ever achieve true happiness if you do not assert and defend your convictions with passion. Knowing you have a strength of character and projecting it to the world, is a major component of the happiness quotient. 

 

S.E. Mathias

 

Get Ready: Start Your Day with a Laugh...Read the Joke Voted #1, Funniest

Please pass this along to friends and family to multiply the giggles:

 The Ugly Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''

The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off.

Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

 

S.E. Mathias

 

 

Saying You Are Unable to Change is to Forever Trap Yourself in Dysfunctional Patterns

One truth about Human nature is that people do change, when they want to. Perhaps like me, you have experienced a relationship with a partner who is stubborn and unwilling to compromise. Every decision becomes a battle of wills, about who will prevail, who is right or wrong. One would expect such a person to fail over and over in relationships, due to their inability to be flexible or considerate of others' feelings. But, as is so often the case, these people can indeed go on to enjoy happy, successful relationships with others, leaving the former spouse or partner feeling they must have been entirely to blame for all the conflict. 

In fact, when sufficiently motivated by a goal or a certain compatibility, people that had previously demonstrated an inability to bond with others, can suddenly turn over a new leaf and become good partners. Whether this is a result of maturity, an accumulation of self knowledge and experience or just finally deciding to become less of a pain in the a_s, it demonstrates that people are indeed capable of change, under the right circumstances. 

Take for an example, a man (Dan), who marries and has a couple of girls. Other than now wearing a ring, he hasn't changed much from his days as a bachelor. When the girls are barely out of diapers, he's off having affairs and staying out late, showing little interest in being a father. After months of counseling and patient tolerance of his behavior, his wife (let's call her Emily), finally leaves him and struggles to make a new life as a single mother. 

Not six months later, Emily discovers he has remarried and his new wife (Megan), is already pregnant. Court ordered visitation forces Emily to allow her kids to visit their father. They return home after weekends with their "new family", and report to Emily "what a good father daddy is now" and how attentive he is to Megan. Emily's girls now love to go over to visit their father, to see the new baby and spend time with dad, because now, "he's so much fun to be with!" 

Of course this leaves Emily feeling like the evil shrew, who couldn't sufficiently motivate her husband to be a good partner and father. What did Megan have that she lacked? The answer to that will probably be forever enshrouded in mystery, but again the fact remains, Dan changed over night and became the perfect husband and Dad of the Year, with apparently little effort.

Now viewing this rather sad example from a more positive light: Dan (the husband), turned his life around and became a better, happier person. That of course didn't help Emily at all, but nonetheless, he apparently became a more functional, supportive partner and that is a good thing. So, how can we harness that power to change in our own lives? Well, here is a thought altering concept that may help you do just that.

[Cause > Effect = Effect > Cause]

What does this actually mean in practical terms? Well, we generally think that people can only change when circumstances force them to do so. But that doesn't have to be the case. 

Example 1: A man suddenly has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital to receive life-saving surgery. Afterward, he is told by his doctor that he must alter his diet and lifestyle is he wants to live a long, healthy life. 

Cause: (Man has heart attack)  >  Effect: (Man embraces healthy living and avoids future problems)

 

But, now let's turn that on it's head and ask, what if…….? 

Effect: (Man decides to embrace a healthy lifestyle) > 
Cause: (He wants to avoid the potential for a heart attack).

 

 

Example 2: A woman walks around with a frown on her face, because no one pays attention to her. 

Cause: ( Woman feels neglected)  >  Effect: (She constantly frowns to demonstrate her disappointment)

But, again, let's turn that on it's head and ask, what if…….? 

Effect: (Woman decides to smile, in spite of feeling neglected) > 
Cause: (She gets her wish and people begin to pay more attention to her).

So, here is the take away message: if we react negatively to our life circumstances, chances are, the very aspects that disappoint us will be perpetuated and exaggerated. But, if instead, we act preemptively, as if our circumstances were better, sometimes, miraculously, they improve on their own. Therefore, the way we think about and respond to our circumstances can have a direct effect on them. 

In the scientific world, as well as the realm of spiritual psychology, it is well known that: "The observer always changes that which is being observed". Meaning that we cannot objectively evaluate any process, if our presence alters the outcome of that process. 

But when thought of in a positive light, we can use this fact to alter our circumstances. For if a process is altered by the observer, then it stands to reason that the observer can alter the process.

 

( Cause > Effect = Effect > Cause).

Try this in your own life: if someone is acting in a counter-productive way, instead of reacting with disappointment or anger, try imagining that there is harmony between you. How would that look? What expression would you have on your face, what would your body language communicate? And how might that alter the situation? Interesting, huh?

As for Dan and Emily, whether their marriage and family could have been saved if Dan had embraced marriage and parenting earlier, we'll never know. Unfortunately for Emily and her girls, Dan had to start over again to realize he had the power to change. Sometimes, that's what we must do. But don't be surprised if the person you treated badly before, is now incredulous that you actually had the capacity to be a better person. It hurts! But again, if you're the one left in the wake, don't wallow in self-pity about how unfair life is (which it really is, sometimes), behave as though you have the world in your hand and new, better opportunities will present themselves. 

This is not some sort of pseudo-spiritual mumbo jumbo, it's really just cause and effect. Or is it the other way round? 

 

S.E. Mathias

 

If Your Life Feels Out of Control, Create a Plan that Allows You to Slow Down!

Earlier, I posted an article on Managing Your Time If you didn't read it, now would be a good time to do so. The information there is complementary to what follows. 

A good part of the reason why it's so important to manage your time is to be able to set aside some of it for yourself. For those who work away from home full time, have children and also possibly take care of parents, having time for one's self may seem like an unattainable luxury, but it can be done with careful planning. For the rest of us, if you feel hamstrung by your schedule, you need to cut something or move things around to cluster activities on certain busier days and have a day or two per week to just unwind. 

Why is it important to regularly slow our pace?

 

We were not built for this hectic schedule that society seems to now demand of us.

Can you imagine early humans running around like rats to accomplish 1000 things in a day? No, once a family or tribe was settled, women were making clothes, growing, harvesting and preparing food, caring for families and men were hunting game and defending their settlement. That's it. Certainly there were dangerous times during which they were under attack or threatened by Natural events.

But for the most part, it was a peaceful existence, by comparison to the way most of us live today.

And though we modern day humans are incredibly adaptable and able to live in the fast lane for years at a time, we do so at a price. That break-neck pace causes cortisol (a stress hormone) to build up in our system, increasing belly fat and interrupting sleep. This raises inflammation and blood pressure levels, setting us up for chronic conditions such as diabetes and heart disease. Maybe even depression and later Alzheimer's. 

So what does it mean to slow down? It means to have a relatively unstructured day at least once a week, something you can look forward to. A day to sleep in if you wish; go for a walk; meet friends for coffee; dust off the recipe book and make dinner rather than raiding the freezer for another microwave meal.

 

Do some gardening; go for a hike; get a massage; watch a movie; read a book or do some writing of your own. All of this comes under the category of "adult play". There will be the temptation to save annoying little errands for this special day, which of course, defeats the purpose. I would implore you instead, to commit this time as a gift to yourself.

At first, this apparent hole in your busy life, will feel very foreign. You may find yourself sitting uncomfortably on the sofa, staring at the walls, wondering "why am I doing this, when there are so many things that need to get done?" This is where the discipline comes in. You will have to consciously force your body and mind to pull back on the throttle, until they adjust to a different pace. It might be good to begin this exercise away from home. Take a walk in a favorite part of town, surprise a friend and offer to meet them for lunch, take yourself to the museum to see a new, interesting exhibit.

Getting out of the house will reduce the impulse to get back into the mindless rut of menial tasks. You can return to that tomorrow: today is for rejuvenation, renewal and reflection. This is when a philosophical shift and growth becomes possible. New ideas enter your mind and suddenly impossible conundrums seem surmountable. The value of this unstructured time cannot be overstated. 

Conclusion: Create space in your life to slow down and just be. This will have real and far-reaching benefits for improving your physical and emotional health, reducing blood pressure and inflammation, helping hormone and sugar levels to normalize and allowing happiness to naturally replace exhaustion and frustration. And you'll be surprised that all the important things will still get done; maybe even more efficiently because you'll be relaxed. As for the other stuff; if it's not pressing, schedule it in on your calendar and get it done. Getting even little things off your to do list will go a long way to supporting relaxation and happiness.

S.E. Mathias

Some earlier, related articles: 

 

Related articles

Happiness Cannot Flourish In a Tired Body and Mind

Today's Post: Something That Will Actually Make You Happy.....

...or that will at least make you laugh:

Inspired by an article from Reader's Digest -  

When a local zoo's gorilla dies suddenly, the zoo keeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla suit and climb around the cage, until the zoo can find a replacement primate.

In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and on top of the lion's cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character, until he falls and lands in the lion's cage. Terrified, the actor yells "Help me!, Help me!"

But it's too late, the lion pounces, opens his massive jaws and wispers: Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?"                    

 

 

To learn more about the value of humor, especially how men can use it to strengthen their connection to women they are dating, read today's post on my other blog: How to break the ice - Man Up

I hope this brightened your day a little. Memorize the joke and tell it to your friends and family. Humor really is the best medicine!

S.E. Mathias                                                       

 

Relationships are a Necessary Part of Being HumanEspecially One in Particular

What I mean is, whether you are married, or have a girlfriend, life is about relationships. But always, the most significant one is the relationship with yourself. 

You may not have thought about it that way, but this is a real phenomenon of being human. We learn to view and relate to ourselves a certain way, whether we know it or not and the health and quality of this primary relationship will impact all other relationships either positively or negatively.

 

If you can learn to think of yourself in the second person sometimes, you can become more objective toward observational analysis of your desires, impulses and reactions. Stand back and try to understand what makes YOU tick, determine if those characteristics are working for you and if not how they should change and what will be needed to get you there.

To read more, please read the article on my relationship blog.

Today's article on "Man Up

 

S.E. Mathias

Relationships Have the Power to Make You Happy or Miserable Manage Them Carefully

 

Of all the variables in your life, your relationships may be the most complex and hold the most power to make you happy or miserable. And I don't just mean your significant other, wife, husband, girlfriend, etc. (more on that  below), friendships also can get messy at times, because we often allow friends so much access to our deeply personal lives, sharing secrets, beliefs and feelings and once shared, that information can be misused to hurt you if the friendship begins to sour.

Again the old adage "all things in moderation" applies here. Not everything needs to be or should be shared. I know that may seem paranoid to some of you, especially those whom have grown up against the backdrop of Facebook and other social media, but not everyone in your social circle is your friend, nor do they necessarily have your best interest at heart. In fact, a true friend, someone you can count on in an emergency, someone who cares deeply about you and considers the impact their words and actions may have upon you is indeed a rare person. If you have such a person in your life, treat them like gold, because they are of great value. But it takes years of association and shared experiences to determine if a friendship fits that gold standard. Until then, my advice is, keep your personal life personal, share thoughtfully and in sound bites, not manuscripts. Be a good friend and hope rather than expect that your commitment will be reciprocated, then you won't be as disappointed if unexpected developments suddenly change the character of that relationship. 

 

Back to your significant others, your spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends: our lovers hold a special place in our hearts and our lives and these relationships do more to shape who we are than almost any other variable. Almost everyone begins a love relation with starry eyed anticipation of elation and bliss.

 

That is the effect our love hormones have on our psyche, causing us to drop our usual boundaries and opening us up physically and emotionally to another human being. It is a beautiful thing that may be uniquely human and once you're in the grips of passion, there is little you can do to direct it's course, for it will direct you and bend you to it's will. Allow yourself to feel the thrill of the ride, to be carried away by the all encompassing experience. Try not to let fears from the past diminish the depth of your surrender, you were made for this and it is through these intense human connections that we evolve and grow. 

Yet, like friendships, not every love relationship is meant to last. Some people come in and out of our lives, we share an intense experience with them and then sometimes circumstances beyond our control pull us apart. This is the imperfect and unpredictable course of love and as best we can, we must come to accept that relationships have a life of their own.

Becoming attached to a certain outcome only serves to hurt us more when our expectations are not met. And this is where we need to exercise caution, to love deeply and openly without giving away the farm. Poor decisions made in the fog of desire can have far reaching and negative impacts on our future happiness quotient. When you fall in love, accept that you will not be thinking clearly about anything. Try to keep that fact at the forefront of your mind. Realize that this is not the time to rush into marriage, to risk pregnancy for lack of proper protection, to buy them a car or a condo to let them move in with you, to start a business together or make any other potentially costly mistakes, no matter how much your lover may insist. Allow at least two years to pass before becoming entangled in family or financial matters with anyone. Let your heart take flight, but keep your mind firmly planted in reality. If this relationship is right for you, it will stand the test of time. If your lover is becoming impatient and wants to move things along more quickly, consider the possibility that they may have another agenda. I know it will be hard to see them as anything less than an angel, sent from heaven, but they are human, with flaws, needs, personality quirks and maybe, just maybe, a vision of the future that differs from yours. I'm not suggesting to become cynical, fearful or coldhearted, just keep your own personal desires, your goals and your financial future on track, protect and honor them, while you experiment with love. That way, whether this relationship works or not, you will still be whole and happy, rather than bitter, broken and poor.

S.E. Mathias

Robin Williams' Passing Reminds Us That For Some, Happiness is an Infrequent Visitor

Marin County Sheriff's Dept: Actor, Robin Williams was found unresponsive in his home in an unincorporated area just outside Tiburon, California, at around 11:55 a.m. P.S.T., on August 11 and was pronounced dead at 12:02 p.m. The Coroner Division of Marin County, suspects the death to be suicide by asphyxia, pending investigation. 

A forensic examination and toxicology test is scheduled for August 12.

 

How can those of us who choose to believe happiness to be an intentional way of life, rather than an elusive reprieve from an otherwise chaotic existence, come to terms with this paradox: a man, who would appear to the rest of us to have the world by a string, opting to commit suicide, as a result of what we can only assume was a complete collapse of his emotional life. 

Though he was born in Chicago, Williams moved with his family to Marin County (just North of San Francisco, CA), when he was a child. He grew up there, in the 1970's, during a time when the Bay Area was the epicenter of what has been variously called the "Flower Power era", "The Anti-War movement", "the Hippie Invasion", when the nation, but especially the West Coast of the U.S., was undergoing a cultural upheaval, resulting from disgust over the Vietnam War, corruption in politics and a rejection of the status quo. A sense that doing things the way they had been done all along was no longer acceptable and each person could forge their own path and should in fact, have the freedom to do so. 

This gave rise to a culture of psychological exploration, through the use of drugs. And though the laws were clear on the possession and use of elicit drugs, the engagement in such activities was so pervasive, a certain tacit permissiveness allowed this "generational anomaly" to continue, unchecked, especially in and around Northern California. Pot farms abounded, cocaine, heroine and LSD were in high demand and easily obtained. 

I lived in and around the Bay Area for over 20 years and in Los Angeles before that. So I witnessed first hand this unique time in our history. A time that changed our culture in many positive and not so positive ways. One of the unfortunate results of this tacit acceptance of drug and alcohol use was that  many who lived through that period were left with lingering addictions to mind altering substances, well into their adult years. Several of my friends, returning from the Vietnam war, suffered with terrible drug dependencies that were largely ignored by veterans groups and the medical field. Many people that we have never heard of and will never know, took their lives, after their pleas for help and their acts of desperation were left unaddressed. Robin Williams may indeed be the most recent reminder of that early "Baby Boomer" generation, who lost their way and whose emotional development was stunted by long periods of drug induced depression. 

As we look more closely at his personal life, we see a man, struggling to find his place and put down roots, like most of us, an effort which must have been made more complicated due to his continuing dependence on drugs and alcohol. 

Personal History: During Williams's first marriage to Valerie Velardi, he was involved in an extramarital relationship with Michelle Tish Carter, a cocktail waitress whom he met in 1984. She sued him in 1986, claiming that he did not tell her he was infected with the Herpes Simplex virus before he embarked on a sexual relationship with her in the mid-1980s, during which, she said, he transmitted the virus to her. The case was settled out of court. Williams and Velardi divorced in 1988.

On April 30, 1989, he married Marsh Garces, a Filipino American and his son, Zachary's nanny, who was several months pregnant with his child. They had two children: Zelda Rae Williams, (born July 31, 1989) and Cody Alan Williams (born November 25, 1991). In March 2008, Garces filed for divorce from Williams, citing irreconcilable differences.

His long time friend, John Belushi died on March 5, 1982 in Hollywood, CA, after overdosing on a mixture of cocaine and heroin, at the age of 33. 

On August 14, 2007, Williams's elder brother, Robert Todd Williams, died of complications from heart surgery performed a month earlier.

 

What Other Parallels Can We Draw?

There does seem to be a connection between super intellect and a propensity toward depression. Ergo, the axiom: "Ignorance is Bliss". No one can argue that Williams was immensely talented, like Belushi, Michael Jackson, or Philip Seymour Hoffman and many others, all of whom were dependent upon drugs to compensate for what may have been an inability to adapt socially to the world around them. This is why balance is so important in our lives. We come into this world with strengths and weaknesses. If we focus only on our strengths and ignore our weaknesses, they are sure to undermine our happiness at some point during our lives. 

Some of the other famous people throughout history who took their own lives: 

Mark Antony - Roman military leader

Cleopatra - Queen of ancient Egypt

Kurt Cobain - Leader of the band "Nirvana"

Don Cornelius - Creator and host of the music program "Soul Train"

Hannibal - Carthaginian military commander

Donny Hathaway - American Musician

Earnest Hemingway - Author

Brian Keith - Actor

Meriweather Lewis - Member of the Lewis and Clark explorer team

Sylvia Plath - Poet and novelist

Freddie Prinze - Actor and comedian

Mark Rothko - American painter

Junior Seau - Football player

Vincent van Gogh - Flemish Artist

 

All of the aforementioned persons were obsessed by success, perhaps to the exclusion of development in their personal lives. This should be a cautionary tale for all of us. To succeed at anything, one must first develop a strong personal foundation. No amount of success or money in our professional lives will vanquish our inner demons. We must confront them head on, and the longer we postpone that necessary work, the more difficult it becomes.

Conclusion: Health and Happiness are our most valuable assets. We ignore them at our peril. Maintain those essential components of your personal life and the evils of addiction and depression will have no place to hide. Expose your personal issues to the light of day and focus your energy on resolving them. If you are vulnerable to addiction, taking that first sip, toke,  shot or whatever, is the slippery slope. Consider your temptation to return to the darkness of dependence as a wake up call. Take evasive action right away. Addiction and depression are medical conditions that should not be stigmatized, but rather treated just like any other disease. Effective medications and therapies exist now to keep you from falling into the abyss, but you must ask for help. Living in the shadows hurts you and everyone who loves you, especially if you allow your demons to destroy you.  There is always hope for a better day, but you must take that first step, muster every ounce of strength you have to survive. Bring your body and mind back to optimal health and fresh opportunities will arise. Don't be afraid to try something completely new. This is a fascinating world, full of possibilities: start today, imagining what would make your life really worth living and then create a plan to mainfest it.

Robin Williams reminds us that the alternative should never be an option. 

If you are having suicidal ideation or are planning to harm yourself, call this number immediately: National Suicide Hotline - 1-800-273-8255

-S.E. Mathias