Not long ago, reeling emotionally from the loss of an important relationship, I sought short term counseling to get my feet back on solid ground again. At the time, it seemed the sessions were barely helpful, providing only temporary relief at best and at worst, tearing open emotional wounds, which seemed to create a sense of one step forward, two steps back. Eventually, however, I found new activities and made new acquaintances that helped me develop a fresh perspective on the nostalgic feelings that were keeping me stuck in a vortex of sadness. Then, and only then, was I able to revisit in my mind, why that loss had been so painful, as well as some of the discussions that had ensued between the counselor and myself. Had I actually learned anything of value from that painful experience?
In fact, one phrase; one simple little sound bite that the counselor had dropped in my lap, only once, now was coming back into my awareness again and again. And as I peeled back the vail of illusions I had maintained about this past relationship and looked at every element of it from the rubric of this new enlightened view, it became apparent to me that I had in fact learned a valuable lesson: one that would help me avoid falling into that dark emotional well ever again. Not only that, but these three words, this brilliantly elegant and simple phrase, helped me understand not only how to find more happiness in my future relationships, but also in every other aspect of my life, every single day.
The phrase: "Reduce Your Expectations"
I had begun to realize, I'd been chasing happiness with such a fervor, with such a determination that I had slowly slipped into an altered state of distorted anticipation. An emotionally constructed view of how I felt "true" happiness would eventually look and feel. The here and now lost meaning, the moment only existed to serve the needs of the future. I could not appreciate the relationship for what it was, because, I was sure it could be more, that she and I, individually, could be more. And that kept me from seeing who we really were now and it also kept me from experiencing the nuances of joy that had always been present.
I had expectations about what love was and what it could become, which were so completely unrealistic that when it ended, I was beyond incredulous, I was beyond shocked, I had known in my soul, that if we stayed the course, the we would reach some preconcieved notion of happiness that I imagined would be like nirvana. Yet finally, confronted with the reality of the relationship having ended, all of my expectations came crashing down like a ton of bricks and I felt completely defeated.
You see, though this is an extreme example, it clearly points out how each of us sabotage our happiness, day after day by developing do or die expectations. We pin our hopes for happiness on getting that one, special job, on winning the lottery, on a budding relationship's ability to suddenly make us feel whole. If we fall short of that exact goal, we become disappointed and sad, until we develop another lofty goal and then we commit our energy and bet all our dreams on that. And so goes the vicious cycle of expectations.
A study was recently conducted an the University College, London, by a neuroscientist, Robb Rutledge. He discovered that most of us only experience happiness when we meet or exceed our expectations. If you expect to win $10,000 and you eventually go home with $5,000, you're apt to be disappointed. Our brains are adjusting constantly to our revised expectations. The problem is that life is largely unpredictable and if we base our happiness on always getting what we want, we are likely to be sad much of the time.
Conclusion: Happiness really can be alternatively defined as the absence of sadness, disappointment fear or pain. If you decide your level of happiness will not be altered, regardless of whether a certain goal is met or not, you are much more likely to avoid the cascade of negative thoughts that result in sadness. Learn to recognize when things are going well; when no major problems are looming and most of your life is in balance and acknowledge that as a "Happy Moment". Chances are, lots of happy moments are already slipping by, as you focus your mind's eye on some future expectation.
At the risk of sounding cliche, "enjoy the moment". It may be perfect, just the way it is.
-S.E. Mathias
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