Happiness Tree

I Would Have Kept Dancing, But the Music Stopped. How the Relentless Pursuit of Perfection is Ruining Perfectly Good Relationships

Today I received news that saddened me a little. A couple I know and like, individually, as well as together, split up. It got me to thinking about my own experiences and those of many other couples I have known over the years. So good together, rolling along well and suddenly, it's over. Why?

Probing further into this recent development and presuming there must have been a deep, dark secret that would have justified the split, I asked a mutual friend, what were the problems? The answer seemed unbelievably petty: she felt he worked too much and he accused her of spending too much time with friends. OK, what else I asked, waiting for the other shoe to fall. Nothing! Sex was good, communication was open, they stimulated each other intellectually, each was kind to the other, there was no abuse of any sort, they were both attractive and cordial, he was a perfect gentleman and she, an attentive, affectionate partner. 

 

Doesn't it seem that these relatively minor things
could have been worked out? 

So this begs the question: Do people really feel now-a-days that they can find someone who is perfect in every possible way? After being annoyed and disenchanted by date after disappointing date, does it seem logical to dump someone decent you've found, because they only meet 95% of your criteria?

In my own experience, I was relegated to online dating, because I'm not much for the club scene and don't have an extended friends network. And it's kind of like the QVC channel, buying anything based on a few doctored images, you're bound to be unpleasantly surprised when the item finally arrives.

Sitting across from a date and realizing that you can't stand her perfume; that she bulges a little too much in the wrong places; that she makes this weird face when she's saying something sarcastic and that she finds it necessary to describe in detail how all her previous partners misunderstood and mistreated her, eventually causes one to question the entire concept of compatibility . 

Then, one day, something amazing happens…. the tenth or eleventh time you have promised yourself that this will be your last date, she finally appears. All your senses are on high alert, scanning every word, every movement, every curve and nothing is out of place. You decide not to have that second drink, so that your perceptions will remain sharp. You redouble your efforts, sure you must have missed something and then, it suddenly occurs to you, you're having a great time! You feel comfortable, at ease, understood and accepted, even your loins register approval. This is the proverbial needle in the haystack you'd always heard about, but stopped believing in. You both eagerly agree to see each other again and then again. Eventually turning evenings into weekends and weekends into romantic getaways. All is good. No, all is GREAT!

Your friends and your family meet her, they give their thumbs up and then…. the revelation washes over you. You're actually HAPPY. 

YIKES!! TIME TO GET OUT!!

For some people, (sadly, very few), the moment they realize they're happy is when true romantic bliss begins and it continues for a lifetime. For others, ironically, the recognition that their search may be over causes fear:

"Maybe this is it. I will have to sleep with her, look at her and talk to her for the rest of my life. This can't be happening. I have to get out!" 

 

Now suddenly, everything that was once so charming, becomes annoying. Little faults are over-dramatized. More and more, reasons crop up not to see him. His calls go unanswered. He becomes suspicious that something has changed, but his concerns are met with denial. He's told he's being paranoid and insecure. Suddenly strange men start to appear very enticing. The fact that they're complete strangers only feeds the mystery. Fantasies further confirm that the current partner, who has been faithful and loving, thoughtful and attentive, is totally wrong. He needs to go!

 Does this sound familiar?

 

This seems to be a noxious trend that has crept slowly into our cultural psyche. Only absolute and of course, unattainable, perfection is good enough for today's singles, divorcees and serial daters. Everything else is just a dress rehearsal. And though, if you asked them to describe that perfect man or woman, they'd conjure up some overused axioms: he should be a gentleman; she should know how to cook; he should know how to make me laugh; she should love sex. Yet, when they actually find what they're looking for, they eventually find a way to sabotage it. Why? Because its really not the absence of perfection they fear, but rather the perceived absence of freedom: otherwise known as commitment. 

 

What's really at the core of this happiness crusher is a lack of maturity. The inability to recognize and correct one's own imperfections, while focusing on those of others. As well as the tendency to blame everyone else for their dissatisfaction. Additionally, modern society's throw away mentality now extends to people. Why keep the car you have? Sure, it's reliable, safe and stylish, but now, there's something new on the horizon. Maybe that's better. But buying a different car, now that's expensive, yet getting a shiny new lover, well, that's totally free. 

People are now expendable, like diapers or doormats. Never mind the emotional toll that is placed on the unsuspecting partner. They're left questioning everything, assuming it must have been something they did. And the dumpee is not the only victim. Once this pattern is established, it's difficult to break. It becomes like an addiction. The serial dumper forgets what happiness really is and how hard it is to find. The excitement of the "next thing", is always looming over the current one, threatening to drop it's load of toxic discontentment, perpetuating the pattern's destructive procession. 

Check Your Motives

If you find yourself becoming increasingly annoyed by or discontented with your "perfectly imperfect" relationship, stop… and ask yourself why. Perhaps it has more to do with you than with your partner. It can be a difficult call. Friends and family cannot be relied upon for an honest appraisal. They may have their own agenda: seeing your earlier happiness as a threat to their ego and subtly encouraging you to sidestep your foundation, gaining a sadistic satisfaction from your confusion. Books, seminars and therapists can leave you with more questions than answers. But here is a basic guide:

Is your partner attractive to you; kind; working at staying healthy; generous; non-violent and not addicted to drugs? Do the two of you still enjoy a satisfying sex life? Is he or she good to you, your family and children? Are they hygienic and willing to pitch in with the chores? Do they contribute to the finances or at least truly intend to? Has their personality changed drastically since you met?

These are big things and if some of these problems are present, it may be sufficient reason to consider an end to the union. 

But, if the annoyances are minor and your partner's character is mostly positive, than you are probably the one whose proximity to perfection should be called into question.

A wise man once said: 

"Don't let the perfect, be the enemy of the good".

Lest you may one day find yourself alone, with all of your obsessions, cursing the fact that no one ever emerged who was worthy of your devotion. 

 

S.E. Mathias

 

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Please contact S.E. Mathias

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S.E. Mathias

 

Visualizing Success One Way to Be in Control of Your Own Happiness

Whatever journey you decide to embark upon, there is always risk. You have to invest some mental capital, sometimes a lot, to pull it off. Regardless if your planning an exotic vacation or say, opening a business, essentially the same preparation is needed to manage difficulties. And much of it depends on building a mental picture of success.

What we will call "Visualizing Success".

Now, let me be clear: Some would see the inclusion of obstacles into their thought process as a negative, believing that optimism alone will somehow  automatically open doors for them. That is not what I mean by visualizing success. I believe you must imagine all the obstacles you will face and how they will be dealt with, while still remaining positive. That is a pragmatic approach: acknowledging that problems will arise, but having the confidence that you'll be able to cope with them because you have already anticipated their arrival and resolution. 

Here's an example: Let's say Paul decides he wants to become a language instructor. Paul has traveled extensively and has had to learn Japanese and Arabic (two highly sought after languages for business and diplomacy) in order to be a success in his previous career. Now though, he is semi-retired, but still wanting a challenge and to share knowledge with others. So he imagines the following:

The level of commitment he is willing to make - Does he want to open a school, rent a class room or just teach out of his home?

Certification - Will he need to go back to school or apply for a special license?

Advertising his services - What will be his method for gaining students? Internet, newspaper, direct mail, or all of the above.

Developing his curriculum - Will he use an existing teaching manual or create his own syllabus from which to study?

Making money - He has to decide if he will charge by the lesson; week or month; or have different levels depending on student income and goals.

Investment - Will he use his own savings or get a small business loan to fund his venture?

This is a simplified version of what Paul would actually have to plan for, but it covers the major points he would need to consider. And writing down variables in this question and answer format accomplishes several things:

First, it helps him decide if he really wants to take on this project. He may arrive at the conclusion that it's more work than he is willing to do and he might want to focus on a less ambitious goal. Second, if he decides to proceed, he has already developed a "thought ladder" that he will need to climb, examining obstacles and decisions, rung by rung and creating solutions in advance. And finally, with each element of his plan identified and pinned down, his vision comes more clearly into view. He can develop a  mental picture of himself in front of his class, or working in a corporate setting and as he does this, his enthusiasm builds. He is actually programming his mind for success by building a real life image of his future. This gives him the necessary energy and passion to continue, especially when he faces challenges along the way, which everyone does, no matter how simple or complex their plan.

Though you may not be planning a business venture or an exotic vacation, visualizing success is still a very useful tool you can employ every day to accomplish goals almost effortlessly. This is because the evolving mental vision provides the emotional energy, (passion), to vanquish barriers and innovate more efficient methods for moving you along the path to your ultimate destination. 

Using sculpture as a metaphor. It was once said that sculpting is simply revealing the finished form already residing inside the block of marble. If you will imagine any goal you wish to accomplish as an existing entity which only has to be revealed by removing obstacles, this will make your endeavors so much easier and enjoyable.

 

Fear, worry, indecision, hesitation and fatigue will fall like blocks of marble, revealing an increasingly clear vision of your creation. Try it today! But instead of a chisel, your toolbox will contain pen, paper, computer, photos and imagination. 

Visualizing success is the first
and most important step to achieving it!

 

Today's quote:

"Enlightenment is an ordinary life, lived in an extraordinary way".  

- Paramahamsa Nithyananda

 

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If you have questions or comments about this article: 

Please contact S.E. Mathias

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S.E. Mathias

 

Finding a Balance Between Work and Personal Life

Feeling at a loss, frustrated by the lack of purpose in your work?

Remember, work is a means to an end, to achieve income and related benefits. But your personal life...that is where true satisfactions happens.

Create movement, dynamism, enthusiasm, passion and love in your personal life and view your work as a support for those elements of happiness rather than the source.

Spend a little time each day, focusing on the vision of your "Optimal Self" and working towards achieving it. 

Want to Be Happier? Have Gratitude!Remember, All Those Things You Take for GrantedCan Be Taken Away in An Instant

"Have Gratitude!" This must be one of the most over-used maxims of our time. It grew out of the psycho-spiritual movements of the 1960s and 70s and presumed that having gratitude would demonstrate to whatever higher power you believed in, that you were deserving of good fortune, because you appreciated even the tiniest blessing. And as humans are prone to do, some took it way too far: hugging trees, blessing the sky, asking for guidance from invisible spirits somehow living in rocks.

But as I point out some of the ridiculous excesses of that time, I also wish to highlight that there is a deep truth embodied in the concept of gratitude, which we would all do well to embrace. 

Those New Age beliefs arose from a resurgence of interest in ancient pagan worship and rituals, which held that our lives were indeed governed by unseen forces residing in the sun, the moon, the sky, fire, animal spirits, even the seasons. These forces were imbued with human emotions and as such, when they were angry, extreme measures were necessary to calm them down. Human and animal sacrifices were often the method preferred to appease these gods, so that they would continue providing the basic needs that we have now come to take for granted. 

 

In our industrialized, automated world, we have now become insulated from many of those natural and necessary processes that support our existence. Water, food, heat and comfort, light, and an endless array of products, are dispensed effortlessly. The idea of having to survive without these things, never crosses our minds, until economic collapse or natural disaster strikes and suddenly, we are thrust back into the reality that the provision of even our most basic needs can suddenly be taken away, leaving us shivering like a leaf and vulnerable to the whim of the elements.

The entire short lives of ancient men and women were consumed by providing for just these basic needs. A good day was when there was a reliable source of water, plenty of food, everyone was healthy and they weren't being attacked by a neighboring tribe. Today, with these basic needs (and much more), already provided from cradle to grave, we now expect far more from our lives than to merely survive. We no longer are content to just be healthy,  now we demand to look and feel like gods, we have forgotten to be grateful that we can still walk, now, we must own a shining chariot, with music, air conditioning and seat warmers, standard. Instead of cooking over a fire, as our ancestors did, we now have gourmet kitchens and refrigerators. Not merely candles, but electric lights, instead of a hole in the ground, there are now flush toilets, pillow top mattresses have replaced animal skins. Can you imagine a cave man sitting in a reclining chair with a shiatsu massager?  

I am not saying that we should go back to the dark ages, or that we should eschew any of the comforts that our modern day lives now provide us. But, it is important to remember that it can all be taken away in an instant by fire, flood, earthquake, a financial crisis or health emergency . We should never take even the most basic blessing for granted.

Always keep in mind what a good day was and still is: sufficient, clean water, good food, health and freedom from violence. As long as you have these basic needs met, don't spoil the fact that you're already better off than 2/3 of today's world population by fretting over a broken nail or that you're not as popular as you'd like to be.

Conclusion: Have gratitude for what you do have and be happy knowing that because of those things, you will live to see an even better day.

 

If you have questions or comments about this article: 

Please contact S.E. Mathias

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S.E. Mathias

 

Are You An Office Martyr? Learn How to Create More Balance Between Your Work and Personal Life

Yesterday, I heard in the news that prominent figures in the business community are calling for a change to our work / life imbalance. Carlos Slim, the world's second richest man and leader of Mexico's telecom industry, is saying that people should not work more than 3 days a week.

 


He is joined by Google co-founder, Larry Page, who also is suggesting society should consider a restructuring of our work week. So what is giving rise to this new focus on our work patterns?

For one thing, a study by the U.S. Travel Association, shows that while 23% of Americans don't receive any paid vacation from work, of those that do, only around 60% actually take their entire allotment. This leaves 430 million unused vacation days per year, which if actually taken of would generate 160 billion dollars in sales, not just in travel related businesses but across several other sectors as well. This would promote the creation of 1.2 million jobs and an additional 52 billion dollars in earned income for Americans. Therefore, working less and taking more time off is actually good for the economy.

So how does our work/life profile compare with other countries? Europeans have a different relationship to work and are guaranteed at least 20 paid vacation days per year. In some countries, that rises to as many as 25 or 30 days. Germans work 600 hours less per year and are actually 70% more productive. In fact, the accounting firm Ernst & Young discovered that for every 10 additional hours it's employees were away from work, there was an 8% improvement in productivity. By contrast, South Korea has one of the most workaholic cultures. They are also the most sleep deprived nation and as a result, in spite of working more hours, they are only about 66% productive as Americans. The South Korean government is beginning to see the toll this excessive focus on work is taking on their population and has responded by requiring employees to take up to a one hour nap during the work day. 

As social scientists and demographic observers continually dissect patterns emerging in our culture, they struggle to define these behaviors by giving them names, leaving the rest of us only able to surmise that what was once considered normal, even admirable conduct is actually a disease. Meet "The Work Martyr". Turns out a lot of Americans have what they call a “Work Martyr Complex,” even if it costs their health, well-being and relationships. “We found that people have this whole busyness as a badge of honor thing,” said Roger Dow, president and CEO of the U.S. Travel Association. “We’re becoming a nation of work martyrs. People really wear it on their sleeves, how they don’t take time off. Everyone around the world looks at Americans like we’re crazy.” Managers didn’t set a good example either. The survey found that nearly half answer emails on their vacation, three in 10 return work calls and just 37 percent of senior managers surveyed fully unplug from work while they’re away. 

What motivates the office martyr? “Self-esteem lies at the heart of it, as there is this constant drive to trump a ‘personal best’ so that they can never be accused of failure,” believes Angela Baron, HR expert.

 

"For some, it also stems from the fact that work is fundamental to who they are", says Dr Wilson Wong, senior researcher at the Work Foundation. “The identity of an office martyr is driven by career, so the validation they most understand is based on their work performance.” And this is self-perpetuating. The more we pander to it, the more it encourages them. “If even one person thinks they are indispensable, they have succeeded,” says Wong

And we can't entirely blame this pattern on the recession. There’s another social trend which is making its mark on office culture and that’s the need to be “so busy” in every facet of our lives. So if your social or romantic life isn’t quite as charmed as you’d like, filling your weekend with a report which simply must be done by next week and couldn’t possibly be done by anyone else validates a weekend that isn’t jam-packed with friends, dates and hobbies. But surely an office martyr is not a bad thing if it means the work gets done. Right? 

“Office martyrdom is actually an addiction. People think it’s an effective tool to get them noticed, but may find co-workers actually resent them for it,” says psychotherapist Rachel Shatock Dawson, a psychotherapist. “It then turns into a vicious cycle – the feeling that your huge efforts are going unnoticed breeds resentment and anger which could seep over into your personal life as you offload your frustration, and may ultimately lead to depression.”

It’s a lose-lose situation: you feel overworked and undervalued while your co-workers are quietly doing the same amount and get increasingly irritated by your martyrdom. "I don’t appreciate employees who are more worried about their status than delivering.” says Fiona Thorne, CEO of a leading public relations company. “I’ve worked with individuals who have gone from hugely appreciated, committed colleagues, to people who drive everyone bonkers by taking on too much and then endlessly complaining about it,” she says. The irony is it also undermines how you're perceived by others at work. If you have to stress to everyone that you couldn’t possibly make after-work drinks because you have so much to do, it may suggest you can’t manage your time effectively or that you’re not capable of doing your job. 

The Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) found that employees who have the highest productivity are also the ones who work the least number of hours.

Are you an Office Martyr? Do you derive much of your self esteem from your work? Do you wonder why your work sometimes seems like a refuge from your personal life? Don't you think it should be the other way around? 

Here is another way to understand how work, with all of it's inherent imbalances and politically charged issues, has come to have such an influence on our entire lives. 

When we think about human life and societies even as little as a hundred years ago, work and family time were woven together. The family worked as a unit, to create and maintain a homestead, with agriculture and livestock that needed to be cared for and harvested, repair and maintenance that was ongoing and then more family centered activities, like meals, home schooling and socializing. As work has increasingly become a function performed away from home, the workplace has evolved into a kind of surrogate family, a home away from home. Whereas parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles comprised our extended network of human interaction, from which we derived our self esteem, connectedness, sense of purpose and joy, our employment has now replaced many of those emotional elements of our lives. The fear of losing our value to this de-facto family unit or worse: being "terminated", instills terror in the hearts and minds of those effected. To say nothing about the fact that it seems as if one's economic survival is dependent upon maintaining a good standing with our managers (parents) and coworkers (siblings and extended family). Additionally, many depend on their work to maintain health insurance and retirement plans. So, it's not hard to see how this seemingly imperative relationship can quickly become toxic and unhealthy.

Conclusion: It would seem that work and the workplace will continue to be a fundamental component of our society for the foreseeable future. It's still not clear whether working from home (telecommuting), helps us to reestablish more of a balance in our personal lives. Certainly for some, it does, but others just bring the stress of work into the home, causing an imbalance in both spheres. It would seem then that the take home message is to not feel guilty about taking vacation (all of it), if it's offered and if you can afford it. Saving some for family emergencies is prudent, but don't let the seductive influence of feeling indispensable at work creep into your psyche to such an extent that you feel compelled to commit more of your personal capitol there. 

Make a clear distinction between your work and home life. Becoming a whole, integrated person requires responding to challenges from both spheres. Defend the sanctity of your personal time and don't allow your boss or coworkers to browbeat you into being "more committed". Very often, those who feel powerless to extricate themselves from a toxic psychological process would rather justify it by sucking others into their vortex rather than dealing with the personal issues that are conveniently obscured by their work. 

No one will thank you for sacrificing happiness at home to gain hero status at work. Corporate loyalty is a thing of the past.

 

Those who imagine themselves to be indispensable today, may be the one's standing in the unemployment line tomorrow. Make your home, your personal life, your family, your hobbies, your friends and your interests the foundation of your life. Remember that work is a means to an end. It is where you should derive your income and associated benefits, not your sense of self worth or connection. 

Ultimately, happiness arises from who you are, rather than what you do!

S.E. Mathias

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