Is Marriage Right for You?

According to the National Institutes of Health,marriage is increasingly an option rather than an imperative in today's 21st century society. This is largely due to the wide availability of birth control and the fact that many children are now being raised in single parent or cohabiting families.

 

 

Jobs are scarce, especially for those on the lower end of the economic ladder and women are now willing to accept jobs that were previously the mainstay of blue-collar husbands and fathers. Therefore, unemployed or under-employed men are less likely to see marriage as an option, since the resources necessary for raising a family exceed their economic means. 

According to recent research, globally, 70 percent of people still believe marriage is a lifelong commitment and 75 percent claim it as a lifetime goal. Around 90 percent of Americans will marry during their lifetime and the two-parent household is still the rule, rather than the exception, with 66 percent of the population living in a married couple family. However, in Europe, (especially in the southern countries), cohabitation is replacing marriage as the relationship of choice and within the U.S. the marriage rate has dropped by 50 percent over the last 42 years. 

But enough with the statistics. The most important question is: Is marriage right for you? If you're young and just starting out in adult life, you need to do some soul-searching to determine what your personal life goals really are. Is it your life's mission to have children and raise a family? If the answer is yes, then you need to examine why that is so important to you. Some of the common answers to that question are: It's what you're supposed to do; It's good for society; I want someone to take care of me when I'm old; my parents expect it; everyone I know has kids, if I don't, I'll be left out. And for women, the biological drive can be intense; overriding any practical argument against childbearing. But, if you have a partner and you've discussed at length the challenges and rewards of raising a family and you're both equally committed to the journey, then I would say marriage was made for you.

On the other hand, if you don't want children, or are in your 30s or older and have children from a previous marriage and don't desire more, I think it would be wise to think very carefully whether marriage is the right fit for you. Many rush off, starry-eyed, to the jewelry store to search for a ring, imagining a blissful life, full of morning kisses, long walks in the park, great lovemaking, travel and mutual support. Often, the truth is very different. Relationships can be difficult and if you feel that something is missing in your life and this beautiful man or woman will always feel the same about you or will complete you in some way, you may be in for a big, unpleasant surprise. 

As you have learned, if you've been following me for a while, self-knowledge is an imperative and ongoing process. How much have you evolved or changed over the years for either better or worse. Recognizing that reminds you how little you really understand yourself and how much work lays ahead. Do you then still imagine it is possible to truly know another person? The realities of growing older, dashed expectations, insecurity and the pursuit of more excitement all put tremendous pressure on relationships to satisfy the shifting needs of each partner. The inability of a marriage to live up to these challenges causes tension, which often gives way to fighting, emotional distance and even infidelity. Most relationships cannot withstand these complicated changes and eventually end. It's bad enough when this happens to non-married lovers. The resulting existential pain can be devastating. Now imagine that on top of that, there is a legal battle over who owns what, who was at fault, and how much each partner stands to gain or lose in a court of law. Depending on your financial and or emotional investment, the outcomes can either be to your advantage or leave you poor and bitter for years to come. 

Some of you reading this may perceive me to be against marriage. I am neither for or against marriage, that is for social scientists, politicians and theologians to discuss. I only believe that marriage is not for everyone and the aforementioned statistics would seem to bear that out. Reflecting back on the main goal of this book: making decisions based on fact, rather than emotions or other's expectations is more likely to lead to a happy, fulfilling life. Carefully evaluate whether being married will actually make you happier. If the answer is no, or you're not sure, by all means, don't give in to prevailing pressures to take a walk down the aisle. If true love is present, it will stand the test of time, whether defined by marriage or not. It is true that compromise is a necessary part of relationships and living in society. But there has to be a solid reason to enter into a binding contract with another person, whether it be a business partner or someone you love. Such arrangements are full of unimagined pitfalls and hurdles and the rewards have to be worth the risks, otherwise, you may be putting your future happiness in jeopardy and doing so is never a heroic sacrifice, but rather a fool's errand. 

The forgoing content is the sole property of S.E. Mathias and is a partial exceprt from his upcoming book: "The Happiness Tree", due out next year.