Happiness Tree

When Relationships End

Our love relationships are among our most intense human connections. Unlike those we share with family and friends, they reach into every part of our lives, intellectual, emotional and physical. And when they end, whether that ending results from a death or irreconcilable differences, the pain can be unbearable. Recovery however, just like any grieving process, does have a beginning a middle and an end.

 

 

Yet the end, will most likely not return you neatly back to where you started before the relationship began… you and your life will be inexorably altered by the experience. And perhaps that is the take-away message here: that we grow more from our painful losses and failures than we do from our triumphs. 

The imperative to grow, when we truly examine the choices and actions we've made, seems to lead us into challenging situations, where the likelihood of a successful outcome is low and yet we continue to follow the same counter-productive patterns. Then one day, usually after several major relationships are resigned to the rear view mirror, we decide to reduce our vulnerability by either making the decision to live alone or finding partners based on practical considerations rather than emotional ones. This is what we decide that our failures are trying to tell us, that to follow our heart is to court disaster. But this seemingly rational response to a series of heartaches signifies a loss of innocence, a hardening of our hearts: as though we could avoid future emotional pain by just becoming determined to feel less. 

If you look hard enough, you can see these refugees of love's losses all around you. Like the walking wounded, they remain insulated in their little bubbles, unwilling and eventually unable to create meaningful connections, because they have lost the ability to trust anyone, including themselves.

If you allow life's less-than-happy twists and turns to make you bitter, you may one day find yourself among these refugees: living on the periphery of everything, unable to dedicate passion to any pursuit, as you have come to perceive the development of passion as the slippery slope, which always leads to pain. 

So how can you recover from these relationship pitfalls while keeping your heart open to new, healthier possibilities? Well, first of all, just know that all relationships are a gamble and that by entering into one, you, (perhaps unwittingly), agree to potentially expose yourself to pain and loss. This however should not deter you. Life is all about experiences and growth and while you may suffer the loss of something meaningful if and when it ends, the experiences you will share with another human being will become woven into the poignant tapestry of your life. We become richer, more seasoned and compassionate and hopefully wise human beings when we allow ourselves to leap into the unknown . The key is in how you engage in your relationships and as with many of life's challenges, the operative word is balance.

I have learned that to be in love does not necessitate losing yourself in the process, though many do. And in so doing, they become fearful that if their love is not returned to the degree they expect or if their partner begins to drift away that they themselves, will also drift away and eventually disappear. When you love deeply, for those of you who are intensely emotional, the tendency is to invest yourself totally in the relationship, tying your own personal destiny to the ebb and flow of capricious love. But I warn you: though you believe this demonstrates to your partner how deeply in love you are, it tempts almost certain disaster. Now you are no longer the confident, happy, spontaneous, fun person you once were,  you slowly become fearful, apprehensive, untrusting, paranoid and cynical. Why? Because you have invested everything into something you know is risky, so you find yourself hyper-vigilant to any sign of weakness in the bonds that connect you. Your fears are really negative thoughts that seek to be vindicated, so you begin seeking evidence to defend your position that your partner is being unfair, has fallen out of love, or has even become unfaithful. And like a self fulfilling prophesy your constant focus on and expectation of calamity drives your partner away and potentially creates the very scenario you fear. 

If you're young, I say learn about what it is to live alone. Learn to enjoy your own company and how to be self-sufficient. This will help you recognize that you don't need someone else to be happy, there are many sources of joy and passion in this world, from which you can derive tremendous satisfaction. Someday though, love will come calling and you will feel helpless to resist it's pull. That's okay, it's normal and natural, go with it. But always maintain that awareness of self that you established earlier. Continue to develop and maintain your inner core, to nurture your own passions and talents. Embrace an attitude of sharing yourself with another rather than just becoming one half of a relationship. In this way, you are likely to recover faster if love takes an unfortunate turn. You will still have the full life you had before your relationship started and that will form the impenetrable base, below which you will not fall. 

If you're more mature, and love's dagger has struck you down in midlife, it may feel more difficult to recover. As we get older, we are naturally likely to have more intense feelings and even visions of living out our lives with one special person. When those hopes are dashed, we may fear living out the rest of our lives alone and being forgotten. And as our social network has probably been pruned back, we may find less of a safety net underneath us to cushion our fall. This is why it becomes more important to carefully consider the people we bring into our lives. We can no longer have the luxury of time to make costly mistakes. Now the stakes are much higher and the crowd of likely candidates has diminished. Those that remain likely have suffered their own emotional setbacks, causing them to also be apprehensive of any future commitments. The key here is to choose carefully and not to bet the farm on every new connection. And even though you're older and less active, it's still important, maybe even more so, to stay engaged in activities that you enjoy, that fulfill you. This is a good plan whether in preparation for a future with someone new, or as a strategy for healing from a recent loss. Stay positive, resist the temptation to become bitter and insulated, examine your own mistakes and thereby find forgiveness for those who caused you pain. Realize that they are on their own path of discovery and most likely suffering in their own way. Smile a lot, take care of your health, read, write, exercise or just rest, whatever seems to bring relief or distraction. Put one foot in front of the other and day by day, the pain will give way to insight and growth. This is what it is to be human.

 

Be grateful for what you have and for that day at some point in the unknowable future when love will once again find you worthy.

 

S.E. Mathias

 

 

 

If you enjoyed the forgoing content, please share it with your friends and family. And stay tuned for my upcoming book: "The Happiness Tree", due out in early 2015. 

What is Integrity and Why is it Important?

The concept of integrity helps us keep in mind that sustainable Happiness doesn't grow over night, it is always a work in progress. And to that end, sometimes we have to forego short-term pleasures, to reach the long term goal of true contentment. It would be disingenuous to say that pursuing what is right in lieu of what is fun or feels good is always easy… it's not. But that is what makes it a character building habit. And you might then ask - what is the benefit of doing what is right, when people all around me are doing what they want and getting away with it? This is a very important existential question and one that goes to the heart of what integrity is. First of all, you may believe that others do as they please with no consequences, but there are almost always consequences. They may not be obvious to you, but they nonetheless arise. These consequences may occur months or even years after a selfish deed, obscuring any connection with the original event, but the connections are traceable, if one takes the time to connect the dots. And more importantly, doing what is right is it's own reward, even if no one else recognizes it. Why? Because you know! 

Integrity, like happiness develops from the inside out, not the other way round.  You may initially feel that getting what you want, even if it's at someone else's expense is a victimless crime, as long as the effected party doesn't find out. But later, when you reflect back on the circumstances, you may come to regret that course of action, especially if you later became the recipient of just such careless treatment. Knowing what is right and doing it, in spite of your thoughts or desires, builds integrity. Why? Because you know that your values are strong and not vulnerable to compromise for any price. You know that when you tell people that they can count on you, it's a promise you can keep. Conversely, how can you expect people to trust you if you cannot trust yourself? 

So how does one develop values? Or more to the point: how does one determine the difference between right and wrong? It may seem like a difficult task, requiring a deep wisdom, but really, it's quite simple: Each thought must be examined before it is allowed to evolve into a course of action, whether it be a written or spoken word or a deed, you need to step away from your emotional impulses and ask yourself these questions:

What do I hope to gain from this action?

Will this truly benefit me and if so, at who's expense?

If I was on the receiving end of this action, how might it effect me?

What will be the long and short-term consequences of this action?

If a friend came to me, asking whether this action was right or wrong, what would I tell them?

This internal query is an expansion on the axiomatic "golden rule" (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you), and it not only helps you gage what is important to you and therefore, perhaps to others, but it also factors in the potential future consequences of various actions. This is very important, because acting on your impulses before examining them begins a chain of events that yogis might call "Karma", but which we can refer to as "Cause and Effect".

 

Viewing this process through the lens of science, as Newton observed, in his third law of motion (paraphrasing): 'Every action sets in motion an equal and opposite reaction'. And once you recognize that your life evolves according to certain universal laws, you may eventually realize that no action exists in a vacuum. Each one will have consequences, and being thoughtful about how those consequences will effect you and others and then acting accordingly is how to live with integrity and consequently, how others will come to trust and respect you.

-S.E. Mathias

If you enjoyed the forgoing content, please share it with your friends and family. And stay tuned for my upcoming book: "The Happiness Tree", due out in early 2015.