How important is a good sex life to you? The answer to that question varies, depending on many factors: age; gender; ethnic background; health; self image and level of emotional wellness. Is an active sex life an important part of your Happiness Tree? Research would suggest that health and happiness are both tied to an active sex life. Some of the benefits include the following:
Immune System - Research from Wilkes University in Pennsylvania shows shows that an active sex life may improve the immune system, creating more and stronger antibodies to fight bacteria and viruses, hence, fewer sick days at work and a better quality of life.
Libido - Having more sex seems to enhance sexual desire. Lower levels of the hormones testosterone and oxytocin may reduce sex drive, especially in women. But sex seems to stimulate the production of these and therefore perpetuates a desire for more frequent encounters. Suggesting if desire isn't present right now and you have a safe and willing partner with whom to enjoy intimacy… dive in. Doing so will probably increase your future desire and open you up to all the other benefits that regular sexual encounter provide.
Improvement of bladder control in women - About 30% of women will experience a loss of bladder control at some point in their lives. Orgasms involve the same muscles in the pelvic floor that are essential for controlling the flow of urine and therefore regular sex helps to keep these strong and working as they were intended.
Lowers blood pressure - Sexual intercourse specifically seems to help regulate blood pressure. A 2006 study at the University of Paisley, in Scotland found that people who had intimacy on a regular basis maintained a lower blood pressure than those that abstained. While the reasons are still unclear, it is assumed that oxytocin again is playing a role, by reducing stress and regulating hormone levels. Yet, masturbation alone doesn't seem to carry the same benefits.
Sex counts towards exercise - Sex burns up about 5 calories per minute or more. So get busy and make it last as long as possible!
Sex lowers heart attack risk - Adequate estrogen and testosterone levels are essential for good health in men and women. These hormone levels may diminish as we get older, but regular sex seems to keep keep them higher. Proper levels of these hormones have been linked to reduced heart attack and osteoporosis risk. Men who had sex on a regular basis were able to cut their heart attack risk in half.
Having more sex increases the Happiness Quotient - Tim Wadsworth, PhD, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Colorado, Boulder, examined the data collected from 15,386 people on their sexual frequency and happiness levels and found that those having sex once or more per week reported happiness levels 44% higher than their peers who were less fortunate. Additionally, a study by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that for engaging in regular sex generated a level of happiness equivalent to earning $100,000 per year. Maybe money can't buy love, but love can make you feel like you have more money!
Regular sex helps to control pain - Research shows that those with frequent headaches, arthritis pain, leg cramps and back aches were helped tremendously by regular orgasms. Sex releases endorphins which are natural pain relievers and unlike Aspirin, sex with a safe partner has no negative side effects.
For men, ejaculation helps reduce prostate risk - A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that men who had regular orgasms, either through intercourse or masturbation, were far less likely to go on to develop prostate cancer.
Sex improves sleep - How many women have complained that men just roll over and fall asleep after sex? Well, there may be a good reason for this. Sex releases the hormone prolactin, which is responsible for feelings of relaxation and the desire to sleep. Of course the same is true for women, but the sexual arousal curve is different for women than for men. Women take longer to become aroused then men, but then where men's arousal pretty much falls to zero after orgasm, women continue to feel all warm and fuzzy for a while.
Sex reduces stress - Sex can be as be better at reducing levels of depression and anxiety than medication. Additionally, self esteem and overall happiness are improved. More sex may be the best prescription for almost anything that ails you.
An impressive list for sure, but to be realistic, most people don't need to be convinced regarding the benefits of good sex. And let's be honest, there is sex and then there is SEX! So what makes sex really good? The answer is of course different for men and women and beyond that, most individuals have their own preferences and fantasies, some kinkier than others. Good sex, (or lovemaking, if you prefer to call it that), is really an art, which can be variously defined as: "an an expression or application of human creative skill or imagination". What art requires from the artist is complete immersion into the process of creation. And the resulting reward is a sense of being deeply connected with something, (or in this case, someone), outside yourself.
Since the beginning of consciousness or self awareness, humans have sought a connection with something larger than themselves. The problem is the human brain, ( we will refer to it here as the "mind", which is the way our brain makes itself known), that incredibly complex 3 pound marvel in our heads, tends to make our world smaller, focusing our attention on immediate needs, fears, desires, disappointments, hunger, exhaustion, hopes and so on. Through art, ritual and religion however, mankind has been able over millennia to expand his awareness into mysterious, timeless realms that transcend the the little mind, giving him a momentary glimpse behind this veil of illusion to witness the perfect engine of reality. In essence, a state of being closer to God. That same blend of reverence, creativity and transcendence is what makes great sex such a uniquely human and tremendously popular activity. When both partners can immerse themselves in the synergy created by their attraction, arousal and expectation, thereby shutting out the rest of existence, they can create and become lost in their own beautiful universe. In a long term relationship, even this can be enhanced through each person's desire to learn about and apply evolving skills to increase sexual pleasure for their partner.
I'm sorry to say, but in general, men have much more to learn in all areas of romance than women. Notice, I said "in general", meaning that there are no absolutes here. Some men are great lovers and some women are cold and seem to lack a capacity for giving and receiving affection. But in general, women respond well and predictably when in the presence of a man who knows how to push their buttons.
So I will direct my comments here primarily to men, though women will find them interesting for sure and most likely will learn something
How to make good sex, Great!
It would seem that Nature created Men and Women with innate conflicts in their sexual make up, not to mention several other areas, if you know what I mean. Men are horny most of the time, women, not so much. Men would prefer to have sex every day if possible, while many women can go for weeks or even months without sex and not really be affected much by its absence.
Most men become aroused and ready for intercourse very quickly, where as women need more time. And since women’s minds are not dominated by sexual thoughts throughout the day, their bodies may actually be primed for a sexual encounter, but they may not even be aware of it.
What might be the biological imperative for such differences? We can only speculate. But probably first choice among many theories would be that women need to be the ones assessing the likelihood of their sexual partners to be good fathers. Meaning, the man’s willingness to stick around after sex, to be kind, hard working and supportive in the event that she becomes a mother and subsequently needs help during and after her pregnancy. And these “biological factors” are part of what takes place in the subconscious minds of women, regardless if they are able or willing to have children: It is hard wired. And I would submit that this scintilla of a thought is present each time a woman lays down with her lover, even if she has been with him for years.
So what does this mean for men on a daily basis? Well the implications are huge. First, he needs to remember that whatever happened between them that day, or even that week, may still be affecting her desire to be sexual. If there was an argument that didn’t end well, if there are financial problems that are weighing down the relationship, if she feels fat or unattractive due to lack of exercise or poor diet, changes in her body, her monthly cycle is arriving or whatever, all of these and many other things will influence how ready she is to let the idea of lovemaking enter her mind. But of course many of these things are beyond a man’s influence. He can’t be avoiding every argument, it would be counter-productive to start blaming himself for financial problems that may be out of his control, he can’t affect how his partner may feel in her body, but how he responds to these things can make a huge difference in how secure his lady feels with him.
Make a Note – Romance doesn’t just begin in the bedroom, it is an affair that lasts all day and indeed throughout the entire relationship. Every gesture, every glance, every tone of voice, every decision can either make or break the spell of romance that surrounds you.
Yes, there is a bit of pressure on you men to get things right as much as possible throughout the day, that is if you hope to get lucky that night. That is not to say that women hold no responsibility for keeping the relationship fresh, functional and happy, because they do. That is and should be a shared commitment between couples. But we are talking here about helping men feel more in control and taking their rightful place as masters of her sexual realm. So if you, as a man begin to see romance as a daily ritual that you practice in a variety of situations then you will be effectively stroking your lovers subconscious and telling her in a deep, non-verbal way that you would make a good sexual partner, that she can feel secure to let her guard down and become vulnerable with you. And this, believe it or not is a real turn on for women. They need to see a strength of character, decisiveness, kindness, patience, generosity, intelligence, support and willingness to compromise as you relate to one another. That gate must be opened in her mind before the channels affecting her arousal begin to flow. That is why it is important to have your lovemaking skills well in hand and a variety of chops to choose from to keep things fresh, fun and spontaneous.
The foregoing paragraphs may leave you with the impression that all of this is just too much work. But keep this in mind, if you’re just a player, seeking immediate gratification, all of this may indeed be over the top for you. But if you are in a relationship with a woman, you have essentially two choices:
1. To act as you always have and expect your partner to just accept you as you are, or
2. To see the relationship as an opportunity to learn about yourself and become a better person. Not just for your lady, but also for yourself.
Your relationship is a microcosm of the world at large. If you cannot meet the daily challenges presented by one other person, then how will you effectively cope with society? There is no better vehicle to drive our personal evolution than our primary relationship. It will test you, it will make you crazy, it will leave you feeling inadequate to the task, but it can also be the source of the greatest joy, satisfaction and growth. So when you embrace her with love, even though you’re feeling stressed, when you see she is weary and you offer your help, when you forgive and move on from little hurts, when you allow her to be herself and support her decisions, when you create an environment that feels safe and functional, you are rising to your primordial role of the man in your relationship.
*Make a Note - A healthy, functional relationship is much more likely to also be a loving and sexual relationship. Help to create one and the other will follow.
How to Continue Those Good Feelings in the Bedroom
A conversation most couples probably have not had, regardless of how long they have been together, is how well satisfied each of them is with their sex life. Have you had that conversation with your partner? For men, the issue is usually one of frequency, how often they have sex. But for women, the issue is more one of quality rather than quantity. And what qualifies a man as a good lover in the eyes of a woman? Well, let’s explore some of the popular myths out there and see if one or more of these constitutes your idea of what makes for a good lover.
Having a big package - You may think so, but without any actual skill or passion, this physical attribute is only a passing curiosity. So no, a big penis does not make a man a good lover.
Looking into her eyes and whispering sweet nothings in her ear – Boring! No, this does not make you good lover. Annoying maybe, but not good.
A rough 'man-handling' style that forces her into submission – Well, some women like rough sex, that’s for sure, but unless you know that ahead of time, your afterglow might actually be the lights of a police car outside your window. So cross that off your list, please!
No, none of these universally make you a good lover. So what does?
A. Playfulness. Yes, the ability to drop your agenda, leave your fears and insecurities behind and just dive into the moment. Have fun!
B. A Desire to Please. Put the idea of receiving direct stimulation from her on the back burner. If she offers it fine, but first demonstrate to her that you enjoy seeing her feeling good and that you’re willing to hang out with her, playing together, that you enjoy bringing her to her highest level of arousal. Be patient.
C. A willingness to learn about her. Maintain the mindset that she is an individual and that what worked with other lovers may not work for her. Or that she might need different timing or activities on different days to get her hot. Experiment.
D. Be confident and decisive. She may make the ultimate decision about whether you will make love or not on a given day, but once in the bedroom, it’s your turn to lead the cavalry. This is where knowledge is essential. Know what types of stimulation work for her, or if you are new lovers, commit to learning what pleases her. Allow time for her to start showing you she’s getting into it, before you jump to something else. It’s good to try different things of course, even combinations, but don’t just paw her without direction or purpose. Know what your goals are with each maneuver and then kick back and watch her open up like a flower. It’s so beautiful!
E. Don’t go right for the pot of gold. Spend time kissing, caressing, licking, embracing, rubbing, lightly tickling, enjoying. Be passionate about making love to her as you would be about sipping a fine wine or tasting a delicate truffle. Make it obvious that the sight, smell and taste of her pleases you and that you want her, but you’re willing to wait and savor each moment along the path rather than rushing to the final destination.
F. Make her feel that her orgasm is more important than yours. She knows that you can probably come at the drop of a hat, so she might become worried that she’s taking too long to peak. Reassure her, verbally if you wish, that you want her to come first. ‘Oooh, I love how wet you are baby. I want you to show me what you like, what will make you come really hard. I want that so much!’. Encourage her to guide your hands and show you what rhythm and pressure gets her there.
Place her hand on you so she can see the effect she is having on you. She may begin stroking you while you are pleasuring her, which is great, but don’t insist, never avert your focus from her until she's had her fill. You want her to enter a parallel reality that you create for her, a pleasure palace where the two of you get lost in the romance and the passion of sharing yourselves. And all of this happens long before you penetrate her. This is foreplay and most women love extended foreplay and complain that their partners don’t devote enough time to it. Be different. Be selfless, compassionate, be all about her and you will find yourself in the driver’s seat on your shared love-making journey.
Then, when you finally plunge her depths, hopefully after she has already come at least once, try to wait for her to come one last time and synchronize your orgasm with hers. This takes repetition and practice, but once you master it, from that point on, she’ll be left feeling that she just shared the most amazing and complete sexual experience with you, whether it’s your first together or your one hundred and first.
If you enjoyed the forgoing content, please feel free to comment and to share it with your friends and family. And stay tuned for my upcoming book: "The Happiness Tree", due out in early 2015.
S.E. Mathias
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