Happiness Tree

How Can We Recover from Betrayal by Friends, Family or Lovers and Put Those Experiences in Perspective?

Much of the writing on Happiness these days focuses on our internal machinations: how we cope with stress; how we choose to view circumstances that effect us. But the truth is, there are also factors over which we have far less control and that is how those we trust and love can turn against us suddenly and for no apparent reason. 

Throughout history and literature, a recurring theme seems to be woven into the fabric of the Human condition: that of betrayal or at the very least, disappointment brought on by those closest to us. From the time we are old enough to identify and able to work through our feelings, most of us have suffered the shock and disbelief associated with a breach of trust by someone we held in high esteem. As we struggle to heal and learn from the calamity, several questions necessarily arise which beg to be answered:

How does this incident shape our view of relationships? 

What conclusion are we to draw from inexplicable and unprovoked injuries to our psyche? 

Is it possible that we have hurt others in this way and been completely unaware of it? And If so, is it even appropriate to assign blame?

And finally, what is the overall message we are to glean from the reality of destructive or even evil behavior on the part of those who pass through our lives?

Literature and philosophy are replete with examples and parables regarding betrayal and thoughtless, even destructive behavior, yet for me, one poem stands out as a paragon of honesty regarding man's inhumanity to man and how even those with the best intentions are undermined and almost broken by the single-minded selfishness of others. 

This poem was first introduced to me by my Father. A gruff, independent thinker, shaped by the austerity of the depression, my Father struggled to find a balance between work and leisure, personal pursuits and relationships and a "don't mess with me" attitude, which was somewhat softened by his passion for art, architecture, music and poetry. He wasn't the type to sit me down for a "Father, son talk", but rather he would pass along his philosophies to me through the 100 or so poems that he had grown to appreciate over the years. Poems about love, loss, death, prosperity, life and betrayal. 

The one that has remained as a beacon to guide me through the uncertainty of life's twists and turns is a beautiful work by Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936). It is efficiently named "If" and I present it here in it's entirety, after which I'll select certain passages to focus on for how they may relate to your life and what you're going through. 

 

If 

by Rudyard Kipling

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too; 
  

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

 If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

 If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

 If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

 

Question: What did Kipling intend to convey with the following passages?

If you can keep your head when all about you   

 Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools

Answer: People are flawed!  

Many people do not have the vision, the initiative or passion to create their own good fortune, so when you work hard to rise above your circumstances, others may become envious of you and attempt to undermine your efforts and success. This unfortunate behavior can be seen in children who upon witnessing others receiving praise for their good works, will retaliate by destroying the objects of such praise. Perhaps children could be excused for losing control of their emotions, but sadly, envy and a twisted sense of justice is not exclusive to children. In adulthood, these characteristics take on a more subtle and complex pattern, expanding to effect every aspect of humanity: relationships; careers; possessions; health and beauty. Kipling almost warns us here that we will all eventually become the object of someone else's cruelty. 

Question: How are we to respond when confronted by people or circumstances which puzzle, frustrate or hurt us, as described in Kipling's following admonitions?

Answer: With humility and perseverance!

make allowance for their doubting

Make allowances for others' doubting you. It is possible that others are attempting to offer constructive advice, rather than destructive criticism. You must consider that possibility before writing off their comments as intentionally negative. Be willing to question yourself and your view of things. 

don’t look too good, nor talk too wise

Don't correct or embarrass people in public. Even if you're far more informed about a particular subject, no one likes a "know it all". Being right is not always the most important outcome. Maintaining balance and seeking points of agreement often creates more trust and unity between individuals.

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master; If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim

Have a vision of the future and work toward those goals, but also maintain awareness of reality: what is possible and how quickly your vision can be brought to fruition. In other words, deal with your life as it is, right now, on the ground and as you do, look skyward to imagine a better future.

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same

Kipling spent part of his youth and adulthood in India. There, he must have been exposed to some of the precepts of Buddhism, as the foregoing passage reflects on the wisdom of not judging whether our circumstances are good or bad, for often those initial evaluations can be flawed. What exalts us to elation can eventually bring disaster and what seems like a failure at first can result in important lessons that ultimately improve our life. 

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools

When loss strikes, pick yourself up and keep going. The alternative is to give up and that leads to a fate much worse than the original injury. 

---

There is so much more we can learn from Kipling's insights, but we'll leave it here for now. I suggest reading over the poem again and finding even more wisdom hidden in his finely crafted prose. 

-S.E. Mathias

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What Is Happiness and How Can You Attain It?

WHAT IS HAPPINESS AND HOW CAN YOU ATTAIN IT?

Well, certainly one flawed concept we have all grown up with is that someday "we will all find happiness". Happiness is not like found money, that just fell out of someone's pocket, nor should it be. Because reaching this all important destination in your personal journey should not be left to chance. It's a nice illusion to think that we can just sit back and one day, the right person, the right job, indeed the perfect life will just fall out of the sky and we'll live happily ever after. But as you will learn, happiness requires action on your part. It is a state of mind that is nurtured and cultivated.

And here's the good news: Reaching Happiness not just a matter of luck: YOU are actually in control. Therefore happiness is well within your grasp, whatever your circumstances or age. 

Happiness is perhaps most clearly defined by what it is not, rather than what it is.

Happiness differs from it's related emotions excitement, elation and bliss, which though potentially more intense, are short-lived emotional states.

Also, it's a common mistake to associate one's happiness with certain events, such as becoming wealthy, or taking a cruise. But while these events may "make you happy" initially, they do not necessarily create happiNESS,

Now listen up, because this is really important: Sustainable Happiness is really a cultivated way of life, rather than an emotion. It is state of mind which ideally, we should expect to return to when the clouds of adversity have begun to clear.

Let me say that again: Happiness is a cultivated way of life, rather than an emotion. A state of mind which we should expect to return to when the temporary clouds of adversity have begun to clear.

That is a profound statement, because like most of you, for many years, I found my level of happiness ebbing and flowing with the changes in my life, changes over which I seemed to have little control. This sense of one's life being chaotic creates tremendous insecurity, because from one minute to the next, one may experience joy and then sadness: with emotions shifting like sands in the wind. 

This is condition makes it very difficult to maintain functional relationships or optimal health. For this chaos is not just felt in the mind, but is experienced by the entire body: blood pressure rises to dangerous levels; stress hormones reek havoc with weight, organ systems, the health of hair and skin, inflammation sets in and a cascade of chronic conditions results including arthritis, diabetes and Alzheimer's. Therefore, reaching and maintaining happiness is not an optional goal, but rather an imperative if you wish to live a long, healthy and successful life. 

A lack of emotional continuity can also drive us to make poor decisions in an effort to address what we may feel is "missing" in our lives. Chasing short term pleasures may placate our lack of fulfillment temporarily, but usually the payback far exceeds whatever may have been gained by the action. Why is this? Because the fundamental underpinnings of sustainable happiness were not in place.

So, what is the key to living with the reality of our life as it is right now while still experiencing true, sustainable happiness? This is what The Happiness Tree is all about. Continue below to learn more valuable insights.

Creating Sustainable Happiness is not difficult, but it does require determination and focus. It's kind of like learning how to ride a bike. At first, it seems a daunting task, as you wobble all over the place and fall down. But eventually, your miraculous brain figures out what you're trying to do and voila! Pretty soon, you're cruising the around with no hands. 

It's not really a mystery, but there are steps you need to take and an attitude you need to maintain in order to reprogram your mind, in a sense. Yes, Happiness is like any other task that you seek to achieve, at first you have to work at it and then it becomes second nature, but that doesn't mean you withdraw your involvement.

You are always the captain of your ship, you have a responsibility to guide it into happy waters if you will. If you relinquish the helm to the whims of circumstance, chances are, stormy seas will be in your future. 

 

So now that I've whet your palette, I will provide you with one of the key points you will need to focus on to create and maintain happiness:

Carefully tend your life and everything in it. As we contemplate the people, situations and things around us, it is common to compartmentalize them and therefore treat them differently, depending on their perceived importance. But it doesn't require an epiphany to come to the realization that all things, including you are essentially made of the same stuff. This is a scientific fact. We are all composed of and swimming in a sea of electrons and waves that are in motion all the time, alive and dynamic. Therefore, everything and everyone is intimately linked by this matrix of matter in motion. Meaning that by tending all people, situations and things in your life, you are caring for yourself as well. An important part of the Happiness Tree concept is removing the boundaries between all the elements that make up your life thereby, revealing the interconnectedness between them. Care for and support all people, situations and things in your life and you will in turn be cared for and supported, even if you're not always aware of it.

Did you enjoy the preceding article? If so, then please check back often for new, helpful insights on Happiness and living a purposeful life. Tell your friends and post comments or questions if you like. I will respond to each one.

-S.E. Mathias

Please find me on Facebook and Twitter or send me an Email with your comments or questions.

 

 

 

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The Garden - Great Healer of Earth, Mind and Body

When you contemplate the Universe, at least the part of it that Humanity can view and comprehend with our telescopes and satellites, does it ever occur to you how amazing our planet is?


Possibly the only planet in the cosmos capable of supporting life and producing it in such diversity. Just the magic of how our "3rd rock from the Sun" maintains homeostasis is a subject of unending fascination. Is it a result of random chance or Intelligent Design? That question alone touches on so many areas of interest for curious minds

Here's something else you may not have considered: Did you know that plants were probably the first living organisms on our planet, many billions of years ago? They began as algae consuming and digesting Carbon Dioxide, (of which there was an abundance, due to the volcanic activity occurring at that time), then exhaling Oxygen as a waste product. Even today, plants are responsible for all the oxygen on our planet, which by some miracle remains at 21% of total atmospheric gases and no one knows exactly how it works. But if that percentage suddenly decreased, all animal life on the planet would perish. If it for some reason suddenly increased, fires would break out across the globe, beginning an apocalyptic conflagration that we'd be unable to contain. 

Immersing myself in Nature and its mysteries, remains one of my great passions. Though it is wonderful to travel to experience new places, it isn't always possible or financially feasible and absolutely not a requirement for rekindling one's connection to the pulse of Mother Earth. 

A garden is a marvelous place that you can create, wherever you live, because it is scalable. If you're lucky enough to have a home with a yard, you can slowly evolve that space into an oasis worthy of a palace, where endless hours can be spent renewing your mind, body and spirit and filling your senses with the fragrances and sights of nature. 

But if you live in an apartment or condo, don't despair, your balcony or even window sill can serve as a living nursery, where your creativity and loving care can provide many moments of joy, as you witness your botanical friends respond to your ministrations. 

And beyond the benefits of being engaged in a creative activity, there are unseen and untold personal rewards as well. Let's explore those a little.

On the mornings when I have time, I explore my garden to discover what new stems and flowers that are emerging. As I make my way past the gurgling fountain, I startle some birds enjoying the seeds I left for them to enjoy a day earlier. The music created by some nearby chimes seems to make a beautiful counterpoint to the sound of the wind through the trees. There is always the opportunistic weed that needs to be pulled, which puts my hands in direct contact with the soil.

Being in touch with the earth (literally), can heal the body and spirit.

You see there is this marvelous bacteria called Mycobacterium vaccae that lives in the soil and upon contact, it actually causes us to produce more Serotonin. It is in essence, Nature's natural antidepressant. So by merely tending a garden, we not only receive the health benefits of sun, movement, circulation and sensory stimulation, but our brain chemistry is actually positively influenced by the activity. 

Throughout history, gardens have played a central role as places of reflection and meditation: Also, serving as a sort of outdoor cathedral for sacred ceremonies. Places like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon; the Islamic Gardens of The Alameda in Spain, Roman gardens, French, Persian and Byzantine gardens of the past, (read about them here), some of which can still be seen today.

In almost every town, there are nurseries. Some small or large, that carry plants suitable to the climate and soil type of the region in which they reside. Larger cities have Botanical Gardens, which should be on your list of places to visit when you travel here in the States or abroad. 

Experiencing the tranquility and freshness of an environment filled with wonderful plant life and all the creatures it attracts and supports cannot help but lift the spirits, while stimulating feelings of joy and awe. 

We live on this gorgeous jewel, perhaps unique in all of creation. Don't allow its beauty and wonder to pass unnoticed as you toil away indoors on menial chores. Get out, surround yourself with Nature's life giving abundance and be renewed. Perhaps you may even be inspired to build and maintain your own personal oasis. In so doing, you'll be contributing to the beauty of your neighborhood, as well as to the health and vitality of your local biosphere. 

Birds and bees are in decline all over the world, due to human development, habitat loss, climate change and predation from non-native species. The creation of a garden in a densely populated area brings and supports life within and between our cities, enhancing our lives and making a real and measurable difference to these living gems. 

Heal your little part of our special planet and heal yourself in the process. 

-S.E. Mathias

 

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Creativity - A Human Trait with a Double Edge

When we think of the term "Creativity", we often associate it with artists, musicians and writers. But I would like to introduce you to the concept that creativity is not only a rare quality, possessed by merely a select few, but rather a fact of human life, that while present in our everyday activities is rarely thought about. And this is where potential problems lie.

From the moment you awaken, you begin creating. Most of this creative energy seems inconsequential, but the results are actually far reaching. For example: The way you put yourself together for the day. In the case of men: a certain combination of shirt, tie, pants, jacket, cologne, or for women, who have a much broader palette to choose from - the style of your hair, the way you apply your makeup, the color of your dress, the accessories you add, the perfume, the shoes, the purse and so on. These all have the effect of influencing the interactions with those you encounter on a daily basis and that is the essence of creativity: combining elements in a unique, personalized way, to influence others.

Okay, but isn't this just an exercise in semantics? Does it really matter whether we call it getting dressed or being creative?

I would submit that indeed it does and here is why. If we view creativity as not just randomly distributed talent, but actually a human drive not dissimilar from the drive to survive or procreate, we begin to see that this human power must be exercised and satisfied, otherwise, it may become toxic .

The ways in which this drive can be manifested are as diverse as the human race. This creative energy has given rise to so many of the conveniences and life-enhancing inventions that we use on a daily basis. All the way from internal household plumbing to air travel, the internet and cellular phones. This is the result of creative energy being channeled in positive directions, influencing and benefiting all those touched by it. But if this creative power is not intentionally focused into a beneficial direction, it can turn inside out and become a force for destruction, causing individuals to conceive of and disseminate prejudice, hatred and violence. 

If we begin to understand that all human beings are by nature, creative and that this creativity must be lovingly nurtured and directed into positive endeavors, we may come to realize that with a little effort, the eradication of counterproductive behaviors that plague human relationships, individually as well as globally, can be a realistic vision.

If an individual or a group is involved in a joyful, creative activity that expends this powerful creative force, an important part of their neural network is bathed in endorphins and as a result, depression, cynicism, jealousy, envy and prejudice have no place to reside. 

An example of how easily the creative drive can be turned on it's head is the degree to which young people are drawn to dark and destructive movements, motivated to paint graffiti on private property or randomly shoot or bomb people in shopping malls, community events and schools.

All of these choices, no matter how sad or disgusting, require planning and creative thinking to pull them off.

The unfortunate individuals caught up in the twisted glory of such inhumane ideas, lack imagination and are at a loss for how to distinguish themselves from the masses. They have a need to express something, to set themselves apart and be consumed by a cause that gives their life meaning, but do not perceive themselves suited to any normal avenue of expression, so the creative process is turned inward and becomes malignant, like an infection left to fester, devoid of the life-giving oxygen and fresh blood needed to heal it. Remember, Hitler was an aspiring artist, until he came to believe that Jews were blocking his attempts to profit from his efforts. 

How does this then effect you? You share a drive to create with the rest of humanity. Begin to consider your daily activities and to what degree there is a creative force behind them. Even mundane chores like cooking and cleaning can have a creative element and these should be included. You may start to imagine yourself differently and come to recognize and appreciate your untapped creative potential. At that point, ask yourself "how can I expand on and develop this force into something that will improve my life and perhaps the lives of others? 

Conversely, If you are caught up in destructive, codependent relationships or patterns of behavior, chances are, your creative juices need to find fresh, new avenues of expression. Reject people, places, activities or ways of thinking that encourage negative emotions. Begin experimenting with using your mind and hands in novel, unfamiliar ways and do not judge the result of those endeavors as good or bad.

For an example of a creative activity that I like try abstract painting. You can allow your mind to wander, as there is no ultimate goal to achieve, other than the process of interacting with the materials and substrate (canvas or paper).You can allow the creation to evolve on it's own. Use a variety of colors or just one, experiment with shapes and patterns. Turn on some music and get lost in the journey. 

Feel you need help with ideas or technique? Try YouTube and watch videos designed for beginners. You'll be amazed at what is possible. Other examples include: gardening, fountain making, cooking, interior design, woodworking, even writing. How do you think I got started? 

The important point is that you are becoming acquainted with your need for a creative outlet and that each day, you face a choice of whether to channel that force into something that makes you happy or keeps you miserable. 

So the next time you gaze upon a work of art or marvel at an invention and enviously wish you could also be creative, remember this….. you are! Without a doubt. The only difference between you and the artist, musician or writer is that they recognized and tapped into the vast universe of creative possibilities and worked to define and refine a vision that is uniquely their own. You, without being aware of it, are undoubtedly doing the same, every day. Begin practicing "creativity with intention" and watch how many of elements of your life start to fall into place. 

Explore and break down the walls you have placed between your existence and your inner-creative world and begin living an artful life. As you grow in your passion and skill, expose others to the joy and sense of purpose these activities bring you. In so doing, your creative power will be exponentially multiplied and who knows what amazing opportunities that may bring.

The possibilities are endless. 

S.E. Mathias
The Happiness Tree

Find me on Facebook and Twitter 

 

 

A Funny Look at Relationships, These Days

Girl calls home to her Father:

"Daddy, I met a boy and we're getting married, so take out your checkbook. You may think it's weird, but I met this boy online. We met on OK Cupid, became Friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had a two month relationship on Viber. Daddy, will you give me a big wedding?"

 

 

 

 

 

Dad responds: 

"No sweetie, I love you very much, but I won't be paying for a big wedding. What I will do though is give you some good advice that I'm sure you'll understand."

"I suggest you get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy some kids on Amazon, pay for them through Paypal and when you're fed up with this boy, as surely you will soon be…. sell him on Ebay."

 

 

 

S.E. Mathias

The Happiness Tree