Happiness Tree

Self Esteem - What is It, How to Improve It or Gain It Back Once It's Been Lost

 

 What is Self Esteem?

The dictionary defines "Esteem" as: Respect, Admiration, especially for a person. In the case of Self Esteem, the person giving and receiving the respect and admiration is you. But those individuals who for whatever reason feel unworthy often trust and respect others more than themselves, which of course can leave one feeling emotionally unstable. How does this happen?

Usually the causes are myriad and complex and may include: cruelty and or criticism by adults or siblings during childhood; being disappointed by one's own performance in romantic, personal or professional arenas; addiction to substances or counterproductive behavior patterns, such as obsession or codependence, etc. Just as one can lose respect for a friend or colleague, one can also lose respect for themselves and once lost, that faith in one's abilities and character can feel difficult to reestablish. 

To better understand what Self Esteem it's important to understand "The Dual Nature of the Self". (As described in the previous article), I believe a healthy self esteem arises from a strong connection between the two realms of the self. When this connection is broken, it represents a breach in one's primary and most important relationship: the linkage to our Self, our Inner Wisdom.

(Some may think of this wisdom as God or the soul, I refer to it here as the subconscious mind or the inner Self).  

Negative or confusing events that occur when one is in this vulnerable state only serve to reinforce a belief that they are different, challenged or in some way compromised. This is a situation in which the conscious mind, (the self which arises from our thoughts and conditioning), can actually work against our best interests. Once a belief about ourself has been established and integrated into the "self-image", the mind selects vignettes from daily life, to confirm this belief. In essence, once the mind starts to believe the messages it receives from certain unbalanced experiences and treatment, it begins using these messages to weave a story about the self. A story which is inspired more by how we imagine ourselves to be perceived by others rather than who we really are. This can cause us to experience a feedback loop or "self-fulfilling prophesy", where in we actually create the very circumstances we fear. 

For example: Imagine feeling stupid or slow, how might you respond to that feeling? You would isolate yourself and find reasons not to interact with others, for fear that they would discover how stupid and boring you really are.

Eventually, friends and family would stop calling or coming around, creating certainty in your mind that they're avoiding you, which would only serve to make you feel more insecure. And so it goes. 

The problem is that all these negative messages are being generated by the self about the self, while the true, deeper Self, comprised of spirit, character, goodness, generosity, wisdom, strength and courage has been banished to some backwater and therefore has been unable to intercede. When this condition occurs, it becomes necessary to reestablish a dialogue between the two selves and begin editing, deleting or recreating elements of our personal story, evolving it into one that takes a more holistic view of the relationships and circumstances upon which our distorted view of ourselves began to coalesce in the first place.

Remember, once we allow the internal critic to take center stage, he will narrate and then replay, over and over, a version of events that support his self-deprecating theme, while choosing to ignore other important factors that refute that conclusion.

Once this critic is receiving the attention he craves, he is loathe to relinquish his starring role, so it may take some time and concentrated work to remove him from the stage. And there are several methods for doing this which are probably most effective when combined.

And they are as follows:

Recalling people places and events to better understand them.

It's not necessary to have total recall or to wrack your brain to accurately reenact who said what to whom. What is important is to get a better overall understanding of the people, places and events which transpired, how they were interconnected and how they contributed the unbalanced and in many cases badly distorted story you started believing about yourself. To do this, you'll need to begin a conversation with the person or persons involved. No, not the actual people, but rather, the "main characters" in your story that appear on the big screen of your mind.

They may no longer be living or you may have lost touch with them, no matter: sit them down anyway in a virtual living room, get comfortable and start asking some questions. The answers may surprise you and you'll be astonished at how much clarity emerges from your conversation. You can meet for as long or as often as you like. And if your these characters tell you something unsettling about yourself and it sounds true, accept it. You may have made mistakes and said or done thoughtless and cruel things. It's okay, we all have. The goal here is not to assign blame, but rather to gain a more realistic view of how you came to dislike yourself and find forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself and all those that played or are playing a part in your drama. 

You may indeed discover that there are things about yourself that you don't like and if they are issues of character or the way you interact with others, those can be changed. If the reasons for your lacking self esteem have more to do with your appearance or conditions beyond your control, change what you can and accept that which you cannot change. We all have strengths and weaknesses and the way to learn to appreciate yourself more is to focus on your strengths. Commit to basing your future choices, responses and relationships on being the best that you can be…. in every moment. Repairing your self esteem is as much about what you do in the future on as it is gaining a new perspective on what occurred in the past. 

 

Seek periods of solitude.

The aforementioned conversations of course should not take place in a crowed restaurant, an elevator or while traveling on a bus. This would only serve to attract unpleasant glances from those around you. Rather, you need to find time alone, preferably while involved in a somewhat mindless activity. Certain activities help to promote a connection with the subconscious and these include, among others: meditation, gardening, painting, walking, long drives, listening to music or even reading. You can speak out loud if you wish, or keep your conversations contained within your mind. Whatever works best for you. 

Your subconscious mind is where your true Self can be found. It is a repository of wisdom about you and the world around you that you can draw upon whenever you like. However, he is a quiet partner that doesn't seek attention for himself, rather he lies waiting, patiently, for you to seek out his guidance.

The way to request his presence is to slow down, quiet the conscious mind by occupying your hands in some creative or menial activity and allow the quiet inner voice to rise to the surface. Chances are, your subconscious mind, which we will call The Inner Self from now on, understands your fears, motivations, strengths, weaknesses, beliefs and attitudes much better than you do. Additionally, this inner mentor has a better handle on the dynamics of relationships you experienced in the past or are currently involved in. You see, the inner Self is not limited by things like desire, denial or a reluctance to be judgmental, he sums things and people up pretty quickly and files his conclusions away deep in your "data banks" for future reference. All too often however, this important analysis is not taken advantage of early in the game, but rather after our emotions and naivety have caused us to fall into the "rabbit hole". Then later, upon reflection, rather than saying "I told you so", your inner Self seeks to console you as lick your wounds and starts helping you work out the tangled web of feelings, conversations, impressions, fears and anger that preoccupies you. 

 

Conclusion: To sum up all we've discussed: Self Esteem is an important and complex combination of faith, confidence and respect that we have in and for ourselves. At any time, but especially in childhood, our self esteem can be injured and cause us to separate from our developing core (our inner Self) and get too heavily invested in how other people view us, our feelings, fears and the stories that we learn to believe about ourselves. This cleaving of the subconscious and conscious mind (inner Self and outer self), leaves us unbalanced and unable to trust our judgement or be decisive about the people and events that are part of our daily lives.

In order to heal this psychological injury, we should begin to address past and present challenges to our self esteem through reflection and reconciliation. Recalling and revisiting the troubling experiences that derailed our confidence and initiating a virtual meeting where our inner and outer selves confront the people and or events involved and attempt to gain more clarity on who were the responsible parties, how circumstances got out of control, what could have been done differently and what contribution we may have made, either positive or negative to influence how the scenario unfolded. 

Solitude is the bubble which we create and retreat to. And it allows us to rewind our tapes in private and in so doing, gain new insights about ourselves and others. In this sacred solitude, we adopt and return to creative rituals that help to open the channels between our inner and outer selves, helping these two spheres to reconnect and communicate. This will finally initiate a healing of the rift that caused us to lose faith in ourselves in the first place.

-S.E. Mathias

I would love to know if you enjoyed this article, how it may have helped you, what country you are living in and what aspects of happiness and successful living you might like me to write about. 

You can contact me via email find me on Facebook or Tweet me on Twitter. Please feel free to pass along a link to my blog to your friends and family and check back frequently for fresh, enlightening posts on Sustainable Happiness

- Shane

 

 

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Bruce Lipton - The Secret of the Conscious and Subconscious Mind

Understanding the Dual Nature of Self - Helps to Build Resilience and Lead You to Happiness

Having a healthy relationship with yourself is a critical part of developing a strong foundation from which your Happiness can flourish.  And those who come to understand their dual nature (self and SELF) are ultimately better equipped to experience happiness regardless of their circumstances. 

 

 
What do I mean by self and SELF?

It is interesting to observe that in the English speaking world, there is one word "I" which refers to the totality of our existence. Whereas in many older cultures, individuals refer to themselves in the "second person", as if they were talking about someone outside their physical body: someone we will refer to as the "SELF".

For an example the Spanish phrase "a mi, me gusta", means literally, "to me, I like it", as if to say the person that I refer to as "me", likes something.

And while this just may seem like an idiosyncratic difference between languages, it actually points out an important element in the dual perception of "self" and "SELF", that is missing in our increasingly "independent" society. 

It's ironic, that today, in the U.S. where the standard of living is among the highest in the world, the number of those afflicted with depression are at epidemic levels. How did this happen? Our fast-paced, largely independent and attainment driven culture has led many of us to believe that happiness arises from our social status and what we own, rather than our strength of character and level of SELF awareness.

I have experienced on many occasions, while viewing a documentary or travel show based on some "3rd World" destination, a sense of wonder at how the impoverished inhabitants of these lands were not sad or miserable, but rather, often smiled and laughed, able to find true satisfaction in their lives, in spite of the harshness of their existence.

Then, I came to realize that the quality and richness of their deeper, "internal life" the life of the SELF, (comprised of skills, wisdom, relationships and connection to Spirit), represented a wealth which no amount of money could buy and no depth of poverty could destroy. Because in the midst of their many challenges, it was their connection to the deeper "Inner Self" and "Sense of Purpose", which truly sustained them.

Therefore, the characteristic that allows for greater satisfaction and emotional health in these older societies is the ability to view one's physical life as a separate entity from the spiritual one. And by spiritual, I don't necessarily mean religious, although certainly religion is one very common path to experiencing a Spiritual connection.

Having this dual perspective of self and SELF allows one to be much more philosophical about matters related to the physical world and what happens here. Issues of illness, poverty, social upheaval and loss may impact our physical presence (our self) and our terrestrial existence, but the core; the deep spiritual "SELF" remains intact, connected to the mysterious web of life and humanity that forms a more profound connection, our true source of gratitude and joy. 

That is not to say that we should abdicate control of our lives to some unseen force. Maintaining involvement in how events play out in our physical life is extremely important, but unfortunately, there are many factors that are beyond our control.

And when failure or loss strike, having a sense of being firmly rooted in a core, internal SELF, helps us weather the inevitable ups and downs and eventually bounce back, rather than spiraling downward into a vortex of fear and despair.

When we define our lives by "who we are" rather than "what happens to us", our Happiness Tree becomes much stronger, less vulnerable to the shifting winds of fate.

When "I" represents something or someone deeper and more profound than the events in our lives; something that is indestructible, inherent in that, is a resilience that carries us through and buoys our optimism.

A core belief that the events we encounter are merely life lessons, designed to broaden our wisdom, awareness and personal power. 

 

 

 

-S.E. Mathias

I would love to know if you enjoyed this article, how it may have helped you, what country you are living in and what aspects of happiness and successful living you might like me to write about. 

You can contact me via email find me on Facebook or Tweet me on Twitter. Please feel free to pass along a link to my blog to your friends and family and check back frequently for fresh, enlightening posts on Sustainable Happiness.

- Shane

 

The Importance of Having Goals and How to Reach Them

by Shane Eric Mathias

Unlike animals, humans seek improvement in their lives. We are not content to just eat, sleep and procreate, we wish for things like a bigger home, greater comfort, more conveniences, travel, a bright future for our children and a secure retirement for ourselves. And while managing money can be one important part of reaching our goals there are other equally critical habits that enhance your chances for success. 

 

 

Planning - Hope and Goals go hand in hand. Hope is a unique feature of human consciousness that allows us to envision a better day and goals are the stepping stones we create to get us there.

But hope and goals are not enough in and of themselves to manifest a dream, they need to be integrated into a plan, which provides a scaffolding, holding everything in place and allowing us to visualize how each element is interrelated and what path we will need to take to ascend from one goal to the next .

Planning is like an art: a process which always demands improvement by way of practice. That's why it's useful to always have some kind of plan that you're working on, so that you can remain fluid in the dance and with little effort, accomplish what may seem impossible to others. 

Be willing to let your mind wander - Thomas Edison said "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration", but my experience has been somewhat different. I've noticed that when I have a goal, I spend a lot of time in my mind running through the steps necessary to accomplish it. This process involves several different types of thinking and they occur in no particular order. 

Visualizing the completion of the goal: What will it look like, feel like, how will it make my life better?

Imagining possible methods for accomplishing the goal: Are there economic or logistical limitations? How might you overcome those to arrive at the best result given the resources available? 

Support working concepts with some empirical data: Depending on the nature of your goal, you may need to get out a tape measure and or a calculator, do some internet research or make some phone calls to get information. And because the mind is so busy with other things, at some point, facts and figures will need to be committed to paper or some type of digital medium; something you can refer back to as you refine your plan. 

Don't be afraid to move ideas around: Shift the placement of ideas or eliminate them all together as new information becomes available. Allow your mind to be like a stage or laboratory, where different scenarios are considered and eliminated or tested and refined. Eventually, the right combination of solutions will emerge at which point, the task will come more clearly into view and seem suddenly more manageable. 

Organization and Commitment -  These are two essential qualities of character you must develop if you hope to create and execute plans in a timely manner. 

Organization: Because life pulls us in so many directions at once, it's necessary to prioritize what is most important at any given time, focus on it to completion and then put it out of our mind. Knowing that other personal or business responsibilities are currently under control allows you to set aside blocks of time to work on reaching your goals. Also, keeping your project  organized means you'll be less likely to lose essential tools, or be slowed down by having to correct a big problem that could have been handled much more easily early on. 

Commitment: Committing to your goal means you'll create the necessary energy and enthusiasm to continue working on it, even when you may not want to. Each moment seduces us in one direction or another, either to play or engage in some other kind of distraction. Commitment is a promise we make to ourselves to not procrastinate and remain focused on accomplishing our objectives. This is where maintaining a mental picture of your goal completed helps to inspire you to stay motivated and fight inertia. 

"The Perfect is the Enemy of the Good"

So admonished Voltaire. And it is a truth of the human condition that we often seek the perfect time, the perfect mindset, the perfect tools, the perfect knowledge and so on before we feel prepared to embark on a new goal or adventure.  Meaning ultimately, that nothing gets done, because perfection in anything is unattainable.

One way in which this counterproductive obsession with perfection takes shape is assuming one has to be an expert before he can start a project. This is a classic "Catch 22" situation, because how can you become an expert in anything if you haven't already done it?

That is not to say that you should leap, half-cocked into a project without preparation and forethought: that is an almost certain recipe for failure. But the happy medium emerges when you prepare yourself as best you can and then proceed cautiously, taking small risks, making mistakes, correcting them as quickly and effectively as possible and continuing.

Experts rarely innovate. Rather, they bask in their "expert-ness" and become irrelevant. Innovations are made by people who are either unaware of the excepted protocol or willing to experiment beyond it, as a child would.

Do you lack the perfect wisdom or the perfect amount of money to do something? Fine, then figure out a different way to do it. One that allows you to proceed with the resources you have.

Never assume that the accepted way is the best way. "The best" of anything is always subject to redefinition. 

-S.E. Mathias

I would love to know if you enjoyed this article, how it may have helped you, what country you are living in and what aspects of happiness and successful living you might like me to write about. 

You can contact me via email find me on Facebook or Tweet me on Twitter. Please feel free to pass along a link to my blog to your friends and family and check back frequently for fresh, enlightening posts on Sustainable Happiness

- Shane

 

Is Unhappiness a Disease and if so, What's the Cure?

Though many of you may feel that your destiny is controlled by outside forces, the conditions under which you live are largely decided by you. But once you've bought into the notion that "life sucks and then you die", you abdicate any influence you may have otherwise had on how your journey plays out.

 

If unhappiness is indeed a disease, which it is, then, it is also a communicable one. Meaning that you catch it from other people. Unhappiness resides in the brain, like a cancer, robbing you of joy and satisfaction. You may then say: How and when did I catch it and what is the cure? I'm so glad you asked!

Your brain is like a sponge. From the moment you're born and maybe even before, you're being subtly programmed through your senses to think, speak, react and view the world around you in certain ways. Most or all of this is below your perception of course, which is what makes unhappiness such an insidious disease. You don't know you have it, or are slowly acquiring it until it's too late. 

Even though humans have evolved much larger brains than other animals, we have also lost some of the key behavioral aspects that allow animals to function so well within their niche. Namely instinct. Everything humans know has to be taught to them by someone else. And so along with how to tie your shoe laces and feed yourself, you learn by example that everyone gets married, has a gaggle of kids, goes everyday to a job they hate, lives on credit, sits in commute traffic 20 years of their life and dies. 

 

But now that you're in the race, you have to keep moving, so you do what you know and though you think you'll do it differently, you end up pretty much where your parents were: Unhappily married, with a bunch of ungrateful brats running around, sitting in the car you paid too much for, 2 hours a day to get to a job that steals your soul in exchange for too few dollars, which you use to pay for the middle class home you rent in the suburbs along with all the neighbors you barely know, who are all doing the same thing, or at least once did and are now waiting to die. 

All so you can have your one week vacation a year, where you drag the kids along to a place they don't want to go, in an effort to get them to look up once or twice from their cell phone or computer and say "like, where's the mall?". 

Screeeeetch! Wait! Stop the bus! How did this happen? Because you never thought to ask……. Why?

Why do I have to do everything the same? No one forces you to live this way. You just blindly follow the example that was set for you and lo and behold, you end up the same as your parents. Miserable! 

So what is the cure? Well first, let's determine how sick you really are. If you're a teenager or young adult, start looking around you and questioning why things have to be the way they are. Do you have to live in the suburbs and get a job that's 20-40 miles away in some "god forsaken" city? No. There are less expensive places to live in the country, where the air is fresher, the people are nicer, the pace is slower and where you can begin to extricate yourself from that rat race. 

Learn more about how to live a sustainable life, with less

Instead of that over-priced and overcrowded apartment where you grew up, spend the same money and find a small house out of town with a little land that you can learn grow some of your own food and actually cook. Yes. that involves getting your knees dirty and working up a sweat and though it may be a shock, you won't need a computer. Don't you see, that's the point. Get out of that squirrel cage called "your head" and use your body. Amazingly creative ideas occur to you while you're pulling weeds or planting vegetables and your view of yourself and the world around you slowly begins to change. 

You may begin to ask, who benefits if I get married, me or the lawyer and tax man? I know it's blasphemy to even bring up the idea that there's an alternative to marriage, but there it is. Relationships are capricious, they have a life of their own. It's painful enough when they end, but then add to that the torture of being dragged through an expensive legal system that forces you to negotiate the terms of your departure.

I suppose this inhumane framework was designed to protect any kids that were conceived during your time together. But do we really need our legal system to legislate parenting? OK, so you're not together any more. Take care of your responsibilities and everyone will be fine. 

Speaking of kids. Do you have a burning desire to make a carbon copy of yourself? Maybe there are big things you want to do in your own life that will require a large commitment of time and energy. Do kids really factor into that equation? It's not a bad thing to choose not to have children, though many will try to make you feel otherwise. Especially when you're taking your 2nd trip to Europe and they are still saving for their kid's car and college.

You'll be told "you don't really grow up until you have children". Bullshit! That's just another one of those not-so-subtle nudges society has created to get you and everyone to conform and fall in line with the rest of humanity. I've known many parents that leave a lot to be desired in the maturity department. Their own lives are a a series of pointless dramas and having kids has only made things worse. Innocent children are dragged into this soap opera and learn all the wrong lessons about how to live a happy. productive life and so it goes. Generation after generation.

News flash! You have choices in life! Just be careful about how you spread your seed so the decision about how that part of how your life will turn out is not inadvertently taken away from you. 

If you're already married with children and wondering "how did I get here?" you too have choices. Look, no one benefits from you being miserable. The kids hate to see you moping around with a long face. They feel like they're part of the problem. They want a cool dad or mom who is happy and productive, doing interesting things and enjoying life. Leaving a marriage is never an easy decision and when kids are involved, it's downright painful. But perhaps there is a better future waiting for each of you and holding this fragile union together is ruining your chances for true happiness and fulfillment. The kids will survive and may even grow up to be more independent thinkers as a result of you admitting failure and starting over. The message you don't want to send is that "responsibility trumps everything". Then you'll just be producing another automaton who follows all the others, doing what they think they're supposed to and hating it.

Yes, unhappiness is a disease and you catch it from everyone around you. But the cure is to start questioning everything. Don't just do what you're told. Look at the lives of those dispensing advice and see if their lifestyle has made them happy. Chances are it hasn't. Experiment and don't be too eager to jump into anything. Think first, is this what I want? Is this who I am? Where do I want to be in 5 or 10 years and will this choice help me to get there or hold me back? 

Unhappiness is a disease and the cure is right in front of you. It may be a bitter pill, depending on how sick you are, but rest assured, you can make a full recovery with a well thought out plan that deemphasizes conformity and focuses on individuality, creativity and courage. Dare to be different and build the life you want, not the one everyone expects. Sure, there will be dead ends and wrong turns, but a well examined life composed of people and activities that enrich you is the best medicine and the best way to inoculate yourself against the dreaded disease of Unhappiness.

-Shane Eric Mathias

For more on a Sustainably Happy lifestyle, read my other posts. And go to my Twitter page to sign up for future tweets and posts. You can also connect with me on Facebook or through my Email. Be well and happy!