The power of relationships to make us either giddy or miserable is real. And while many suffer the wrath of dysfunctional pairings, few take the time to understand the object of their affection, let alone themselves.
What follows is a two-part article on gender characteristics and how to become more successful at dating, partnerships and love-making.
First, for you men...
Let's dive into the world of women to understand
what makes them tick....
Men, let’s just agree on something right now… women are complicated! They will even tell you that themselves, because they know they are. And though they may want to change and certainly have the capacity, there are many social and biological factors that cause them to live in a world slightly different from our own.
But when we say “complicated”, what we really mean is that we don’t understand what makes them tick. Men have the ability to learn about and understand many things we might consider complicated, so why do women present such a frustrating challenge?
When you look under the hood of a modern car, you see a motor. You know it still works like motors from earlier days, i.e. internal combustion, oil for lubrication and water for cooling, but good luck figuring out how to fix it when it breaks. Now apply the same logic to women. They have two legs and two arms, a head and a body like you and they’re obviously human, so why don’t they act like you do?
Well, it’s what you can’t see that makes them the way they are. Hormones, different evolutionary programming and the influence of society and the family have all resulted in the unique ways women respond to stimuli and this makes predicting those responses pretty hard. You may never know which factor is influencing her behavior in any given moment. And though women can be blindsided or confused by our moods or impulses, we are way more predictable than they are.
Why? In a word…SEX.
Most of what we desire and pursue, in one way or another, can eventually be traced back to our preoccupation with sex. So for an example, we can be manipulated much more easily with a promise to provide or withhold sex, whereas if you try that with a woman, she’ll look at you like “as if, let’s see how long you can keep that up”.
It’s just not as important to them and they can usually turn off their sexual desire for long periods of time if the situation necessitates it. That doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex as much or maybe even more than we do. But when sex is not available or when they are unable to place sufficient trust in their relationship or their partner to really let go, then they can focus their sexual energies elsewhere.
So, women can wield huge advantage over us. They know they possess tremendous power with their sexual allure and some unscrupulous women use it to their full advantage. And that is where men need to be very careful.
For a man who cannot control his own impulses will often hand over his heart and his wallet to a woman if there is even the faintest hope of intimacy and then, be surprised when she walks away, leaving him empty-handed. Men have ruined their marriages and family lives, lost their homes and cars, even surrendered entire bank accounts to women in the fog of desire. Sometimes all it takes is a suggestive glance by a woman in a man’s direction and he will melt like warm butter.
Men, you know exactly what I am talking about and have probably even experienced some events like that in your own life. It may not have been as serious as handing over the keys to your house, but certainly we have all suffered a bruised ego or injured self-esteem here and there. All men have experienced rejection and by the time they are in their 20’s or 30’s, usually regard it as one of the consequences of playing “the game”. It just goes with the territory.
Leveling the Playing Field
What if you could alter those odds? What if you could shift the rules of engagement slightly more in your favor? Whether dating or married, this would be a welcomed transformation. Yes? Well, like a hunter, you can to a great extent, but you have to begin to understand the instincts of the one you are tracking and know what you hope to gain when you catch up to her. But doing that will involve self control, as well as a little wisdom and introspection on your part. It’s almost a Zen thing. By that I mean, slow down, meditate on her, watch her and learn what is meaningful to her, how she responds when you try different things.
If you were a nature photographer and seeking to do a photo-documentary on leopards, let’s say, wouldn’t it be helpful to know how they think? That way you might have better luck finding them, knowing when they are active or resting, what kind of prey they like and where they feel safe or vulnerable.
Knowledge is power. So approach your quest to understand your woman or women in general, scientifically. Adopt the mindset of a researcher uncovering heretofore hidden secrets about them but also about yourself. For to understand anything in this world, you have to first understand your relationship to it and to understand that, you must know yourself. Because you represent 50% of any relationship you have, whether your counterpart is a leopard the economy, or women.
So let’s start there. What about your relationship? If you are in one, what would you like to change or improve? You might say “First of all, I want more sex”. O.K. but why do you want more sex? Aside from the obvious reasons that it’s fun and feels good, does it boost your ego? Does it make you smarter?
Well, how about this for a reason?
Great sex, especially with a committed partner, helps to strengthen the bond between you. Why is that a good reason? Because it’s great to have fun and I am a big fan of making sex as fun as possible, but by itself, it only represents a momentary benefit. I challenge you to think of sex (or love-making) as an opportunity to communicate with your partner on a deeper level. A level that is not accessible by any other means.
It is said that most of communication is nonverbal. That may sound like a contradiction, because communication is talking, right? Well, yes, but it is also, to an even greater extent, body-language, facial expressions, touching and the tone of your voice. So when you are making love and keeping the focus on her satisfaction, you’re telling her in a very profound, but non-verbal way that you care deeply about her. You are willing to satisfy her completely before yourself and that is a huge statement of selflessness and love.
And as your love-making skills improve and you’re able to take her to deeper and deeper levels of ecstasy, you’re saying to her in a way she will understand that you care enough to learn about what makes her body, mind and spirit soar to the heavens. Then she may begin to do the same for you. She will want to know what pushes your buttons or at least be more open to your requests. But most importantly, she will know that you are capable of caring for and about her in a very meaningful way. She will feel that you don’t really focus on her imperfections but rather see beyond her physical body, into the essence of her. And when this happens, the feeling can be magical.
And it's this deeper connection that is often what is missing in a casual encounter…
Sure guys, it is fun to get a girl in bed and play with her, but once the initial excitement has waned, there is often little to keep the bond between you alive and you begin to get bored, even if the sex is really good. Therefore, it is this deeper, shared connection that we actually crave, even if we don’t realize it. A satisfying relationship takes time, work, commitment and risk, for sure, but at the end of the day an emotionally balanced, loving and sexually active couple gains the envy of everyone.
*Make a note - If you improve your knowledge of what your partner wants during love-making and use that special time to create a deeper attachment with her, that will demonstrate to her that you are not just using her as a toy for your enjoyment, but that you regard your intimate time as a sacred experience and that you are committed to making her happy as well as yourself. That is what really turns women on. That is what makes them want to be with you again and again.
Sure, they love sex and are frankly equipped to enjoy it 1000 times more then you are, but they want more. They want to know that it is meaningful to you, that you care about their needs and that you are willing to be patient until they get really revved up.
Bear in mind that sometimes a
woman’s body may be primed for sex and she may not even be aware of it.
After all, they don’t have a heat-seeking rocket standing at attention in their panties. So you may have to do a little experimentation to find what gets them to thinking about sex. But once you figure it out, the rewards will be well worth the effort.
S.E. Mathias
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