The Importance of Boundaries: Understanding, Respecting and Defending Them

I think, of all the interpersonal dynamics present in relationships, the subject of Boundaries are among the most poorly understood and yet most profound. How well we learn healthy boundaries as children is dependent upon how well our parents understood and practiced them. The boundaries breached between parents and children can range from subtle and unconscious to overt and criminal and can subsequently result in adults that either learn to build healthy relationships of their own, or individuals who though adult in age, remain stuck in the emotional traumas of their early years, with fear, anxiety and cynicism as their only way to view and respond to the world around them. 

Boundaries exist to help us define between behaviors that cause us and others emotional pain and those that do not. Children who learn that they gain acceptance and love by surrendering to abuse by adults may grow to perceive abuse as a form of love and that resistance only results in disapproval and isolation.

As twisted and sad as this may sound, I imagine many of you reading this can understand and perhaps even relate to this type of unconscious conditioning. Unlearning these behavior patterns may require years of retraining the mind to recognize abusive people and situations and avoid them. Even though a form of addiction to these damaging situations often remains, surrounding yourself with healthy people who understand and respect their own boundaries and those of others is a very important step in the healing process. 

Unfortunately, those that have been abused in this way often go on to abuse others similarly, not because they are evil, but rather because the have learned that to avoid abuse by others, they must be in control of their relationships and controlling others often requires exceeding boundaries and causing emotional pain. 

How can you know if you are operating from a mindset of unhealthy boundaries? The first question to ask yourself is: “Do I believe I am worthless?”

In order to take advantage of a child, an adult must communicate either passively or intentionally that the child and his or her needs are not important. And therefore, the subsequent and perhaps operative conclusion is" "If I want love, acceptance and to feel worthwhile, I must do whatever other people want". If you find yourself sacrificing too much of yourself and your needs to others and still feeling unworthy, chances are you are struggling with boundary issues. 

How can you learn and build healthy boundaries?  To reach this point, you must first recognize and accept that a lack of healthy boundaries is damaging your life and furthermore that your dysfunctional thinking continues to keep you trapped in these destructive patterns. Therefore, It may be insufficient to rely only on your brain to get you out of this conundrum, you must call upon a greater wisdom… your gut. 

Though you may enjoy, or even be obsessed by certain people in your life, if your gut, (we'll call it your Body Wisdom), tells you that something is not right, this may be a relationship that deserves greater scrutiny and perhaps should even be avoided or dissolved.

Example of how a person might be exceeding your boundaries: 

Causing you to feel unsophisticated, naive even stupid. They may try to convince you that you lack the ability to make good choices for yourself, that you need their advice and guidance to stay out of trouble.

Someone like this may lead you to make decisions that ultimately benefit them in some way, working behind the scenes to undermine your confidence and then using your actions to further their own personal gain. 

Another example might involve a more subtle approach, using emotions to influence the outcome of given situations. Children learn very early, that they can manipulate their parents into getting what they want by crying or acting out in some way.

Well, this behavior can resurface in adulthood, manifesting as crying, isolation, or anger, when the individual feels they're losing control of an argument or the fulfillment of a desire. 

When controlling behavior appears the first time in a relationship, it represents an experiment by the manipulator, to determine if such actions will have their desired effect. If it works, it stands as a precedent and therefore, a sign that you'll accept having your boundaries imposed upon in the future. 

Not all agreements are spoken... sometimes, by you accepting certain behaviors, you are silently stating: "I agree to these terms of engagement".

Those who are more likely to be manipulated in this way are persons who suffer from a low self-esteem or have lived through a trauma that has left them feeling insecure. "Boundary invaders", if we can call them that, can read these weaknesses and take them as a sign that "this person will be easy to control"  

 

 

If you feel that this is occurring to you, rather than putting it aside, excuse yourself in the very moment when it is happening, or step away and ask:

“Do I feel I'm being controlled? Is this person truly interested in my well being and fair treatment? Does the person in question resemble either physically or in terms of behavior, someone who may have misused me either emotionally or otherwise in the past?”

If the answer to any or all of these questions is YES or even MAYBE, you need to take a time out and prepare yourself for a possible withdrawal from this self-perpetuated abuse. 

I use the word Withdrawal, because those who lack boundaries often are stuck in a Codependent pattern of behavior, which is like an addiction. But rather than being addicted to a substance, those possessed by codependence are addicted to certain people, treatment and behaviors. Consequently, extricating yourself from these abusive situations can cause real emotional pain, not unlike the withdrawals experienced by alcoholics and drug addicts. 

And yes, this sense of worthlessness and cycle of abuse at the hands of others is self-perpetuated. It is true, you may feel you lack the ability to control your fate, that disappointment and failure is your destiny, but that is an illusion, a vestige of the past that can be effectively evicted from your life.

Though it may be true that unscrupulous and mean people exist and that they are all too willing to take advantage of your lack of healthy boundaries, by not taking action, you are choosing to remain a victim and are therefore, complicit in your own unhappiness. 

Boundaries are important! Learn about them, study the meaning and the anatomy of codependence and identify if you're caught in it's toxic grasp. Begin the necessary process of putting your life on the right path. If you don't, no one else will. Start today! 

 -Shane Eric Mathias
Sustainable Happiness is a Cultivated Lifestyle