Happiness Tree

Requiem for a Romance - A Timeless Journey Into the Fragility of Love

Watch this beautiful composition by Jonathan Ng

"Buried deep into your arms, my night began. I was there almost and yet I felt afar. I wanted to hug you tight, for I knew the moment would soon pass away and I'd have to face the world again, without you......"

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Discovering Happiness Now

 

 

 

Kindness as a Flaw?

In life, there are rarely any absolutes and the world of interpersonal relations is no exception. We have probably all heard from at least one relative, the admonition to be kind to everyone, that engaging in kindness will always produce a better result. Even from the bible we learn the imperative to “turn the other cheek”. The bible further instructs us that “the meek shall inherit the earth”. One of many colloquial sayings on the subject states that we can “attract more bees with honey than with vinegar”. 

In a perfect world, all of these would be true. Perhaps the original intent of this mindset was to create a better world, by providing an example that others would begin to follow and that is a laudable objective. But unfortunately, one which also often fails to fulfill its promise. 

The fact is: there are bad people. Manipulators, narcissists, liars and selfish individuals, with personality or psychiatric disorders that display many less than desirable traits. Being kind to these people leaves you open to danger. Those who would seek to take advantage of you see your tendency toward kindness as a weakness, ripe for exploitation. The same perils exist in our dealings with corporations, that think only of enriching their coffers and pleasing their shareholders. 

Furthermore, like shape-shifters, these cruel perpetrators realize-on some level-that if their true nature were revealed up front, it would cause most sane people to run for the hills, so they hide it behind a well rehearsed facade. Smiles, kind gestures, words of praise, pseudo intelligence and subtle body language, are all tools they use to obscure their true intent. And because of this, it is very difficult to spot these “kindness predators”. So what can you do?

It is a difficult balance indeed, for the need to model kindness in our society is important. How else will future generations have a chance to develop decency and integrity? But we must realize and pass along to our loved ones that always trusting others and presuming no ill will on the part of those we encounter is to invite trouble into our lives. Here are a few key points to keep in mind:

• Be vigilant - In the old days, when pioneers or surveyors were transversing dangerous or unexplored territory, they would always leave a lookout to watch for approaching danger, while others slept. Danger still exists, but it is much less obvious than the sudden appearance of marauding savages. So assign and project a part of your psyche as a lookout. As you engage with others, this lookout works behind the scenes analyzing content and behavior for signs of deception or conflicting statements that don’t jibe. Some might call this being judgmental and indeed it is. I am not sure where or when judging those with whom we interact became such a taboo, but it is essential if you are to protect yourself and your inner circle. 

• Be cordial but firm - The best way to ensure that vultures will look elsewhere for a meal is to let them know you’re on to them. Imagine you’re having a conversation with someone. You display all the gestures of kindness, but there is a steely resolve to your gaze. Those whom have nothing to hide will see this as strength, those who would seek to deceive you will sense a psychic arm reaching out and grabbing them by the collar as if to say, “do not f*** with me”. 

• Listen and pay attention - If you listen long enough, people will usually reveal who they truly are. Said another way, “give people just enough rope to hang themselves”. If you are a truly kind person, you will have difficulty distinguishing users. Primarily because you don’t perceive the world the way they do, as a candy store, where the goodies will be free if one can only get the clerk to look the other way. You’re only defense is to listen and listen carefully. Then, before inviting the potential imposter into your life, allow a day or two to pass, as you process what you’ve heard. Remember, you will not recognize manipulation up front, because you live in a different world. You don’t ascribe to the same modus operandi. 

Use this valuable procedure to save your time and sanity: listen > process > act. Always in that order! 

• Guard against cynicism - How do people become hardened in the first place? Most likely, they were once victims themselves on several occasions and eventually resolved that to avoid pain and to get their needs met, they must reject sentimentality and just take what they want by hook or by crook. It is sad, it is unfortunate and we can even sympathize with their plight, but we must never allow ourselves to be like them. 

It may seem to us that those in our midst who “get away with murder”, as it were, have it easy, but nothing could be farther from the truth. The amount of psychological energy needed to survive through trickery, diminishes the life force. For those who victimize others must work that much harder to avoid becoming victims themselves.

 

In essence, users live the life of a fugitive, always on the run from those they have wronged, hoping to get away before their misdeeds are discovered or expecting that those hand picked individuals afflicted with the flaw of kindness, will forgive what they have done. 

Kindness is still a virtue and one to which we should all aspire. But it should be expressed in moderation until the day, in the unknowable future, when we will all live “in a perfect world”. 

-Shane Eric Mathias

Shane is the author of:

The Happiness Tree: "Grow your Happiness by Cultivating a Healthy, Creative and Purposeful Life".

What is Missing In Your Life?

Many of us go through life with the nagging feeling that something is missing. We look around, we may have creature comforts, a good job, plenty of friends, etc, but we still feel unfulfilled in some way. Adding weight to this emotion is the guilt that arises when we consider the billions of people in the world who only wish for a good meal, or sufficient clean water to drink. 

And it is true, that so many of us have much to be thankful for, but that fact doesn’t diminish our desire for something more. It is hard-wired into the human spirit to continue building on top of whatever foundation we have, to achieve more. But when most of your physical and financial needs are met, it’s hard to conceive of what might bring yet greater satisfaction. Nonetheless, your mind resets to your current plateau and asks, “Okay, now what?”

Consider Maslow’s pyramid: Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) was a psychologist, who was most famous for establishing the concept he called “The Hierarchy of Needs”. It deals with his insight that humans satisfy human needs in order of priority, with the ultimate goal of reaching “Self Actualization”. In a nutshell, Self Actualization is the fulfillment of your innate potential, which usually involves the realization of a desire to create, express or contribute something deeply personal. Honestly, most people never reach this elevated point on their life’s journey. They remain stuck somewhere in the middle, struggling with finances, relationships, health or just unknowingly, sabotaging their own success over and over. 

So when you consider what is missing in your life, first of all, examine if there are barriers to personal fulfillment that either you have placed in your own way or that you have allowed to undermine your performance. As stated earlier, these might be relationships that hold you back; it could be nagging health problems that steal your energy and passion, or it might be struggles with finances that could be fixed through temporary sacrifices and discipline. Whatever they are, they must be dealt with if you hope to gain the sense of fulfillment you seek. 

But determining what parts of your life are out of balance can be a difficult task. In my new book. “The Happiness Tree”, I outline a method for doing just that and then I describe how to fix those macro or micro areas that currently cause your entire life to function less well than it should. The difficulty understanding why our life is out of balance arises from an inability to look at it objectively. That is why using the metaphor of a tree can be tremendously helpful in visualizing where weaknesses lie or where important limbs are missing all together. 

My method identifies 4 major pillars or “Limbs” that are essential for a happy, functional life:

•Love

•Health

•Freedom

•Purpose

Extending from and yet nourishing these essential limbs are subordinate branches. For example, in the case of

Love: Self Love, Friendship, Family and Relationship are expressions of Love that need to be optimized and refined individually in order for that quadrant of your life system to function well. 

In the case of Health: We must not only consider Physical Health, but also Emotional Health in the equation. Perfect physical health is of course not always possible, but we must strive to be as healthy as our circumstances allow. Emotional Health is far less clear cut and may take years of repatterining the brain and mind to respond differently to internal and external stimuli.

The important thing is to be on the path toward greater emotional health. Just being on that journey frees you to focus on other critical areas of a balanced life. One helpful tool is to break down our thoughts, feelings and responses into two distinct categories: Love and Fear.

Much of what we experience in our minds falls into one of these two camps. Writing down what your challenges are and then honestly evaluating whether they arise from Love or Fear can go a long way toward helping us to approach problems with greater insight and self compassion. Fear of course is a useful emotion, but when it dictates how we respond to the world, it negatively impacts every aspect of our lives. 

Example:

Fear: "I have always desired to make art, but never did for fear that I lacked any talent". 

Love: "I enjoy and appreciate Nature and want to express that through music, painting or some other craft. I will experiment until I find the form of expression that feels the most natural to me". 

Which sounds more healthy and positive? A mere shift away from self doubt, toward a desire to express your appreciation for something of beauty is the first step necessary to bring creativity into your life. The self doubt may still remain, but you decide to proceed in spite of it to gain the enjoyment of being involved in a creative process.

The results are not important! Creating is the goal.

If your first attempt inspires you to do better, great! Continue. But don’t allow disappointment to creep into your thoughts and instill or reinforce self doubt. That is allowing Fear to take hold again. 

Study the lives of great artists, scientists and mathematicians in history. You'll discover that most of them failed over and over again, but persevered nonetheless, until their goals were reached. Success is rarely spontaneous, it is the result of many hours of open-minded thinking and attention to detail. 

Freedom: Is not only the absence of physical bondage, but also having freedom of expression, freedom from self deception and deception by others. Freedom from excessive worry. And the freedom that arises from living a life of Integrity. Knowing that you have nothing to apologize for. You can then face yourself, your family, loved ones and peers with absolute clarity of conscience. That is a powerful thing. 

Finally, Purpose: This is the part of your life where Self Actualization resides. Many people are unable, due to the difficulty of their circumstances, to find satisfactory answers to the following questions: “Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose for living?” 

That's okay, the important thing is that you're asking you are asking.

That is the first step towards “Self Actualization”, (what I like to call "Self Mastery"

Simply put, Self Mastery is unleashing the creative energy inside of you by eliminating counter-productive patterns of living and thought. And it's important to remember that "Purpose" may not be a fixed point on the horizon. It is certainly fair to say that our Purpose evolves as we do and as the circumstance in our lives call upon us to solve different problems. 

May I be so bold as to propose that your Purpose now is to get your life in better order. Repair what's broken, replace what's no longer working, make the whole system function more effectively.

It is from the springboard of a functional life that we are more likely to ascend to new, unforeseen realms of the human experience.

Never give up hope! I can tell you from personal experience that the conditions of our life can change in an instant. Just put one foot in front of the other, be good to those you encounter throughout the day, have faith in yourself and when you least expect it, new opportunities for growth and fulfillment will appear. 

To learn more, please check out “The Happiness Tree”, now available in paperback and e-book, through Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other fine retailers.

If you have any questions or comments related to this post, please either send them to me by email or enter them below, in the comments section.

-Shane