Happiness Tree

Life is Good - Be Happy

Take this short, upbeat journey into the world of Sustainable Happiness.

Learn about the new book:

"The Happiness Tree"

 

 

Things You Should Not Do, If You Plan To Stay Alive in Today's Changing World

As we gather to shop for and celebrate our respective holiday events, it is important to remember that there are those who are bent on using fear and violence to further their cause of anger, prejudice and hate. They can strike anywhere in the world, without notice, potentially changing your life and that of those you love forever.

Recent incidents in Berlin, Nice and elsewhere highlight the fact tha efforts on the part of authorities to anticipate and thwart these massacres have had little success. Therefore, if you must be in crowded areas during the holidays or frankly at anytime, it is up to you to maintain awareness of your surroundings, the location of the nearest exits and any unusual activity in taking place in your proximity. Every few minutes, stop and scan what is going on around you. When and if you hear or see anything even remotely different or unusual, don't pass it off as inconsequential. Resolve to know what it is, where it's originating from and if it presents a danger. When in doubt, leave or move toward an exit route, until any uncertainty passes.

Logic would dictate that those with bad intentions would wish to inflict terror on the greatest number of people. It's a numbers game and achieving the highest number of casualties with the smallest device or least detectable plan is how efficiency is measured in the terrorism industry. Backpacks left unattended, large trucks plowing into crowds, knife wielding assailants and terrorists dressed as security personnel are several low tech schemes that come to mind. 

Knowing that, to avoid becoming a victim, it would stand to reason that whenever possible, staying out of crowds or away from places where dozens or even hundreds of people gather, will greatly increase your chances of avoiding the terrorist threat that may eventually come to your city, town, or community, in some form or another. 

Those places will include, but not be limited to:

Airports, train stations, schools, hospitals, hotels, clubs, shopping malls, parties, parades, fairs, concerts, beaches (on weekends especially), churches and yes, many workplaces. These are all places that have been targets of terrorism, whether perpetrated by the criminally insane or radical extremists. 

Your obvious and understandable response to this list would be to say: "In order to stay away from these places, I will have to drastically change my behavior". And that analysis would be right on the money.

We've identified one of the problems, the fact that terror seeks to do as much damage as possible through attacks on places where people gather. 

But the other problem is that security is expensive and also off-putting to potential customers. So many businesses and community services are reluctant to incorporate it. But to use this as an excuse to not have metal detectors and a police presence in every public venue, is to continue living in a haze of denial. 

We are at war folks, a war for our very lives and there is no end in sight. I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, because, ostensibly, my job is to focus on the positive. That is the niche I've carved out for myself, to provide you new ideas and ways to create sustainable happiness. 

And if you'll read my book or peruse some of my other posts, you'll discover that creating and sustaining happiness does require some difficult choices, discipline, the development of new habits. Also, a focus on staying alive and healthy, among other things. 

The world has changed and we must change with it.

Here are some of the survival strategies I propose in response to the proliferation of guns, bombs and violence in our society.

Make your home a sanctuary - Stop thinking of your home as just a place to hang your hat, sleep, shower and shave. Your home statistically is the safest place for you to be. So if you live in a house, paint the interior, decorate the walls with art, bring in some flowers, landscape the yard, attract birds and butterflies and take up a hobby that you can do from home that promotes joyfulness and perhaps eventually provides an additional income. 

If you rent or live in an apartment, it becomes a little more challenging, but there is still much you can do to make your living space more enjoyable. If you're wondering where to get the money for that, add up what you spend at Starbucks and for the fancy ride currently parked in the driveway. Maybe you can repurpose some of that money into your living space. Remember, it's about making different choices.

Invite friends to see your new digs and provide them a place to recreate that serves as an alternative to crowded and dangerous public venues. 

Consider taking your kids out of school - There is no doubt that the school system in the United States is struggling to fulfill its basic mission: That of educating our youth. Now, they are under pressure to also make their campuses more safe and impenetrable. But few, if any resources are voluntarily dedicated to that until or after a deadly crisis has struck.

Young children and teens are now the most vulnerable individuals in our society. To evildoers, killing kids provides the additional benefits of causing deep and lasting pain to their parents and culling individuals from future generations. They represent the ultimate soft (easy) target. Because we wish to shield them from the truth about the dark side of humanity, to preserve their innocence as long as possible, they are the least prepared to anticipate or respond to a killer in their midst. They just freeze in place and then, the unthinkable happens. 

Take your kids out of school and educate them at home. Again, this involves making some difficult choices. If you and your spouse both work, find a way to downsize in order to keep one parent at home. If you are not  yet married, seriously consider having fewer children so that raising, feeding and educating them at home will be a more manageable task.

Have religious services at home, rather than going to church - 
Churches are a favorite target for terrorists, because attacking them damages the belief of the faithful. In many parts of the country and the world, the church represents the center of the community. It is where people find the solace and strength to deal with life's challenges and where they stay connected to their neighbors.

But this very fact makes striking a church like removing the spiritual scaffolding out from underneath an entire town or neighborhood. Additionally, churches are rarely protected by security and therefore, make an easy place to smuggle in weapons. 

Travel by car whenever possible - If you're planning a vacation in the near future, consider finding a way to drive there, rather than flying or taking the train.

Train stations and airports have seen steady and consistent attacks, because so many people gather there. Furthermore, they are bogged down with luggage and kids in tow and less able to escape if violence ensues. Of course, planes and trains also provide an inviting target for terror, because so many are huddled in a small space. Blowing a piece of technology out of the sky makes a spectacular statement against the advance of modernity. A key obsession for those who would prefer to see the world return to the dark ages. 

Alternatively, if you must take a train or plane, travel at odd hours. For a terrorist, striking a center of public transportation at midnight is anathema. For maximum impact, it is better to strike at commute times or on weekends when the facilities are crowded. Avoiding those times, ensures greater safety.

Conclusion - So often, when we are forced to make sweeping changes, the task seems daunting and scary. Then later, in the rear-view mirror, we recognize that as a result of those actions, our lives evolved in new, unanticipated and even exciting directions.

Throughout history, the course of humanity has been shaped by natural and man-made cataclysms. The world we now live in-for better or for worse- has directly resulted from those events. But drilling down to analyze the lives of the individuals impacted by those tumultuous times, we discover that those who survived and lived on to foster future generations were those who anticipated an end to "the world as they knew it" and made the difficult choices to create a new, albeit, unfamiliar paradigm. A paradigm that emphasized action over apathy, awareness over ignorance and survival over annihilation. 

We are now living in such times. Those who refuse to change may find themselves relegated to a sound byte;  statistic on the morning news. As my father once told me: "Forewarned is Forearmed". Knowledge is power, but only when you use it to inspire the appropriate response. 

-Shane Eric Mathias

Author of 3 books, currently available on Amazon.com:

The Happiness Tree, Man-Up and How to Make Love to A Woman

A VIEW FROM INSIDE THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

 

I know what you’re thinking… “How can a relationship be perfect?”

“Perfect” is an abstract concept that we freely fantasize about in our minds, but rarely, if ever experience. Right?

 

 

That’s what I would have said as little as three years ago, but I am now convinced, something close to perfection is indeed possible between two people and if you’ll stay with me, I’ll try to describe what it’s like. 

Why try to define it?

I recently recalled the hopelessness I felt on so many occasions, when yet another relationship failed or appeared to be heading South. And I know there are many of you out there feeling the same way, right now and I want to encourage you. Don’t give up. There is hope and here is what I can reveal so far.

What a functional, happy relationship looks like?

Bear in mind, a great relationship is not something that happens to you, it is something that you co-create. And if either partner is not equally committed to the process, it likely won't work.  That is a theme you will notice running through the following paragraphs: I focus not only on what I am receiving in the way of love and consideration, but also, the large and small things I do to make her life happier and more functional. 

It's not enough just to love your partner. You also need to develop interpersonal skills: an intuition that guides you toward what to say and when to say it and knowing how to put your own ego on the back burner.

Meaning that not every point needs to be negotiated; not every negotiation needs to escalate to disagreement; and not every disagreement needs to be won. 

This level of intuition and self control takes time to develop. As you get better, so will your relationships. 

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What are the important qualities?

How you start the day is important

In the morning, I rise slowly and see that she is still sound asleep. I do my best not to wake her as I tip-toe downstairs. It’s the weekend, so we have time to relax. I enjoy a leisurely breakfast and listen to my radio on low volume, taking care not to be to noisy. 

We create a consistent emotional environment for each other

Neither one of us are moody, either in the morning or at night. Essentially awakening to a different person every day is not for me. I’ve been in that boat too many times and now know that I need a firm emotional footing under me.

Shared passions reinforce our connection

We have discovered that we both like to grow and tend a garden. We bring different skills and affinities to the project: I do construction and she selects what fruits and vegetables we will grow, then helps to plant and harvest them when they produce bounty.

Care and maintenance is a shared activity which gives us time together in this precious Springtime weather. We usually wander outside after our morning coffee or tea to see what has sprouted or grown over night. Seeing the results of our efforts brings so much joy.

Gardening and travel are two of the many things that reinforce our strong connection.

Time apart brings fresh energy into our lives

When work or social events carry us in different directions, later, those activities provide fresh topics for discussion and reflection. Those conversations occur more often than not, during breakfast or dinner. 

We share and enjoy in the fulfillment of our basic needs

We both enjoy good food and conversation together. I am fortunate that she developed culinary skills early in life. Healthy and delicious food is what she brings to the table (literally). And as for me, I shop for groceries and help to keep the kitchen clean. 

We never have to negotiate these divisions of labor. Where we see a need, we just naturally fill it, without being hampered by gender specific roles. We don’t keep tabs on who does more or less. We just operate as a team, maintaining a dynamic balance and respect for each others abilities and residual energy. 

We are at similar points in our respective lives

We are similar in age. Our activity and energy level is also similar. When the sun sets, we feel a natural urge to slow down, relax and prepare for some evening entertainment. I remember being younger and feeling the need to fill every moment with some kind of social interaction. Now, our home, travels and shared experiences are enough to sustain us. It’s wonderful to be understood and appreciated for where one is in their life. 

Channels for intimacy are always open

Intimacy is not just a weekly romp in the sack, it’s an ongoing demonstration of affection that keeps the channels open for love to be expressed in a variety of ways. Physical intimacy just arises naturally from that continuum and never feels forced or out of sync. 

Different recreational styles

Where we differ is that she likes to dress up and go out on the town, where as I am more comfortable, remaining at home working on a book or engaging in one of my hobbies. So about once a month, I take her somewhere nice and we have an evening of fine dining, listening to music and strolling through the town. She never pushes or demands, but knowing she loves it, I climb out of my comfort zone once in a while to make her happy.

Fortunately, she has girlfriends who enjoy similar cosmopolitan activities, so I happily let her go. Additionally, several times a year, holidays or special celebrations arise and we join with family for good food, good conversation and to maintain our shared bonds. 

How we deal with Finances

This is often an area of friction in relationships, but not for us. We maintain separate resources and once a month, a fixed and agreed upon amount is transferred from one account to another to equalize our shared financial responsibilities. When upcoming events like travel require special financial considerations, we research the costs and agree upon what each of us will contribute to make it happen. 

Our shared support for mutual Health

Each of us are focused on living as long and as well as possible and we support each other in that endeavor. Because we both enjoy delicious food, keeping the weight off presents a constant challenge. When cravings and overindulgence take hold, we gently remind each other of the consequences of consuming too many calories, but without being sarcastic or pushy.

This way, we help to keep each other in check. If a virus or exhaustion takes hold, we both know that our partner will be there to provide rest, sustenance, healing and love, so we can recover quickly and get back on our feet. 

In Conclusion

This of course is not a complete list of all the factors that impact on a relationship, but we can draw some important conclusions from what you’ve just read, nonetheless.

When people with complicated, busy and dramatic lives intersect, the likelihood of achieving harmony is small. The shifting dynamics and multitude of variables result in individuals rarely finding any common ground. I bring this up because I now believe that the creation of a harmonic relationship requires both partners have order in their own personal lives first. Put another way: 

[ Chaos plus chaos does not equal stability. ]

This would help to explain why young folks in their 20’s and 30’s have such volatility in their relations. From the teenage years into the forties, there is often rapid change and character development taking place. Internal and external factors are in a state of flux causing confusion and emotional instability. When these worlds collide, it takes vision, discipline and a sincere desire for growth on the part of both individuals to overcome the inevitable challenges. 

Not to say that young folks don't have a chance at developing functional, long-lasting relationships, but for the majority of folks, your first or perhaps even second major relationship will probably not be the one that stays with you into the Autumn of your life. And statistics would bare that out, with 50% of first marriages ending in divorce and over 70% of second marriages meeting the same fate. 

But the good news is that though the learning curve of love and relationship is long and steep, it does eventually level out. And that leveling seems to correlate pretty closely to the time when most of the challenges of adolescent and adult life are relegated to the rear view mirror. 

Living in this very sweet spot myself now, I can tell you it is a place of peace and contentment. Self knowledge, confidence and relaxation are complete in my own personal life and I am not disturbed by the turbulence of some personal drama I'm struggling with.

With nothing left to prove to myself and no obsessions tugging at my conscience, I can devote myself entirely to my partner when we are together. And when we are apart, I experience a relaxed, joyful anticipation of her return. 

As I write, I am struck that the settled contentment I feel in this relationship, exceeds anything I even dreamed was possible earlier in my life.

If that isn’t the definition of “Perfect”, than I don’t know what is.

 

-Shane Eric Mathias is the author of three books:

"The Happiness Tree"

"Man Up" and

"How to Make Love to a Woman"