The Question:
Please excuse me if this question has been asked many times before. It's just that lately I've been feeling overly confused, if those are even the right words to use. I don’t even know if my question is sufficient for what I’m trying to express.
Throughout middle school and high school, I had always had a difficult time trying to have a regular conversation with my peers, especially my friends. Every day, when meeting up to socialize, I would awkwardly stand and listen as my friends talked on. I thought that this issue would change during college, but it seems to be happening all over again.
I really want to have a good time talking and just being around my friends, however I almost always feel too shy to do so for reasons I personally can’t quite grasp yet. Is it that I’m afraid of being judged or unaccepted? Further, I sometimes find myself stuttering over my words even though I do not have problems speaking, making strange facial expressions, and mumbling sentences I truly intend to be made heard.
Finally, there are just some seemingly random days where I feel like I have no control and I find myself completely out of it. On these days, I even adopt traits of shyness with people I usually communicate perfectly fine with. Is this all part of something bigger that I don't understand?
Answer:
First of all, you need to know that your writing skill and ability to articulate your sentiments are at a very high level.
So intelligence or lack thereof is not your problem.
But there may be several things going on here. You remind me so much of myself as a young person, therefore, what I am about to tell you arises not from any medical or psychological training I have had, but rather from my own personal experiences and desire for better self understanding.
_______________________________________________
Before I go on, you’ll need to understand something very important. You are loosing your personal power, trying to be like everyone else. I can tell by the way you write that you have special qualities that few others share. Most other people will not understand you or relate to you. I know this does not sound like good news right now. But because your brain is wired differently than others, you carry a particular burden and responsibility. Your mission and your challenge is to develop your unique talents into skills that will bring you much success and more popularity than you can possibly imagine. But in order to rise to your potential, you need to stop wasting time pursuing the admiration of the group and spend your energy and resources on Personal Development and achievement oriented goals, rather than on social ones.
_________________________________________________
Firstly. You are suffering from a common problems called “Performance Anxiety”. The term is usually used in conjunction with men, who during sex, are so focused on satisfying their lovers, they become unable to complete the act.
In your case, you are overly focused on speaking clearly, sounding intelligent and holding people’s interest. All the while, you are judging the words coming from your mouth and making editorial comments in your head: “that was stupid”, “why did I say that?”, “this is going well, I hope I can maintain her interest”, and so on.
Those two mental activities - speaking and editorializing cannot coexist. In order to speak with ease and confidence, you must first listen well and simultaneously, be forming a response to what was just said in your mind. Adding a third voice to the mix :the critic, only mucks up the works. You must fire him and banish him to the far corners of your consciousness.
Being able to listen and speak well either comes naturally or must be learned. In your case, because you have always shut down the free flow of ideas, by first making sure they sound smart, funny or interesting, you must re-learn how to relax and let your mind do its job.
I have found, the best way to do this is to listen to interviews. Here, people from all walks of life are put on a stage, or in a recording studio and asked questions. Questions that perhaps millions of people will hear the answers to. They must be “cool under fire”. Listen to and watch these interviews or also TED talks (which can be found by Googling that phrase) and imagine how you might answer those questions or speak about those topics. You might even take some classes on Public Speaking. Millions of people have anxiety speaking in front of others. These classes are designed specifically for people like you.
Secondly, You may need to come to terms with the fact that you’re an Introvert. I cannot say for sure that you are, but it’s worth checking into. Look up the phrase and see if the characteristics fit your personality. If so, that is perfectly fine.
Many of the great writers, inventors and thinkers were and are are introverts. Problems arise when you still feel the need to be around lots of people, because you think you should or you crave popularity.
Introverts gain pleasure from their own company, or the company of close friends. They prefer to work alone, observing and responding to life at a much slower pace than others. Forcing yourself to fight against your natural personality may be what’s causing the anxiety.
Finally, this may all resolve itself as you mature and become more self assured. In my book: “The Happiness Tree”, which I recommend to you by the way. I speak to the presence of Two Selves within each of us. The inner and outer self.
The outer self is that which you share with the world. The way you interact at work, school or in social environs. The inner self is your true spirit or personality. All too often, younger and older folks alike, are unaware that this inner self exists and they invest all their time getting acquainted with and shaping how they are perceived by others rather than who they truly are.
Knowing yourself, knowing what is important to you, what you’re good at, what your fears, passions, likes and dislikes are is essential to choosing where you will apply your energy and with whom you will spend your time.
It may be that you are just choosing the wrong people to be around, but blaming yourself for not “fitting in”. You cannot fit in with people with whom you share very little in common.
My suggestion is, stop trying so hard. Learn to enjoy your own company. Spend time in Nature, walking alone and listening to your own thoughts. Read, create artwork, work in the garden, make things, use your hands. This is a great way to still the mind and stimulate thoughts that link the two selves into a unified whole.
Stop worrying about it, you’ll be fine. One day, you will discover your intended path and the fire of passion will be lit inside of you. When that happens, “look out world”.
-Shane Eric Mathias
To receive free notifications of new content on The Happiness Tree, please send an email to The Happiness Tree
Copy and paste "SIGN ME UP" into the subject line.
Thank you!
