Question: Do you care that people may judge you. If not, how did you reach that state of mind?
I am in my thirties and all my friends are getting married and having a great life and I am alone. I feel like damaged goods and the object of gossip. How can I stop caring what other people think, as I work to get my life together?
You are going through so much more than is referenced by the above question, so I will try to address as much of it as I can.
First of all.. the thirties suck! Let’s just be frank about it. I went through them and honestly, the forties were not much better. But why?
There is still a high degree of dependence on social status, popularity, angst about “where you should be in your life”, emotional upheaval from broken relationships, and the loss of cherished elders in the family. It is (as with every decade), a period of transition.
Believe it or not, the human brain does not actually completely mature until some time in the thirties. The frontal lobes are the last to fully form and complete all their necessary connections. But then, the tsunami of adulthood hits us squarely in the face and we don’t have the requisite skills, confidence, experience or patience to handle it.
None of what I just said may make you able to stop obsessing about what other people think, but it may help you understand that it is a normal phase and that it will pass.
Furthermore, it is easy to see other people and assume that they are living a carefree life and you’re stuck in the mire and mud. The truth is, half or more of those budding relationships will end in divorce and many will involve children. They will go to court to fight over money and custody of the kids, then live out the majority of their adult years as single parents, which is incredibly difficult.
Others will suffer job losses, foreclosures of their homes, victimization by criminals, health problems, depression, infidelity by their spouse and unfulfilled dreams. Though they may feel on top of the world now, with the luxury to judge others, they will eventually be humbled by life’s unpredictable equalizers. No one escapes some calamity or tragedy in their life. Of course you would not wish these things on them, but this is the reality. No doubt, at some point in their lives, they will also be looking over their shoulder, feeling alone, hopeless and judged.
You are hurting now, because many losses have befallen you at a young age. But my experience has been that fate is mostly fair. It may be that your share of life’s pain is happening now, but will pass soon.
One day, you’ll form a wonderful relationship with someone, after which you’ll live a long, prosperous and happy life.
See this time as an opportunity to understand yourself and humanity. Watch what your peers are going through and learn what pitfalls to avoid when you finally do head into the halcyon days of your future.
As I look back on my thirties, I felt very much the same as you do now. I could not have imagined the settled, comfortable and fulfilling life I now have, with my wonderful partner and our family. I value those difficult days now, because they taught me so much about myself and what I am capable of. Additionally, I learned that no matter how difficult things seem in the moment, they will pass.
The key is to keep yourself distracted from the unpleasantness of your life as it is now, by diving into hobbies and creative projects. Those activities were great therapy for me during my difficult times. When the current clouds of adversity clear, make thoughtful, intelligent choices based on the wisdom that is now building inside of you.
Be grateful for the present and optimistic about what lies ahead. I know it will be great!
-Shane Eric Mathias
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