What Ruins Marriages?

My belief is that many marriages are doomed from the beginning. For though the divorce rate has declined over the last 40 years, the level of dissatisfaction with marriage is at an all time high.

It is common for people to seek one event or transgression for the decline or destruction of their marriage, such as an affair or physical violence. 

And while these events do indeed happen and are often the final straw, they don’t occur in a vacuum. The pre-existing incompatibility of the individuals involved made the likelihood of that “tipping point”, almost a certainty.

But this incompatibility is masked very often by a lack of complete disclosure on the part of one or both partners. Being reluctant to reveal past behavior that may indicate poor relationship skills, or worse.

Disclosures such as: "I have cheated on all my girlfriends/wives”; “I have a tendency to become violent when I’m angry”; or “I have a spending addiction and have caused my past lovers to file for bankruptcy due to my maxing out their credit cards”.

But almost no one will tell you everything, and especially not about those off-putting indiscretions that broke their past partners hearts, bank accounts or jawbones.

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So how can you improve your chances of marital bliss? 

• Don’t be willing to overlook anything or rationalize it. If it is an annoyance now, it will become a serious problem later.

• Don’t expect a person to change for you. People rarely change, because all too often, they fail to recognize and acknowledge that there is a problem and therefore, are unlikely to go about the hard work of fixing it.

• Don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions. Yes, these questions might be embarrassing or even unpleasant, but your future health, happiness and solvency may be put at risk by what you don't know. If someone doesn’t accept your desire to learn all you can about them, they are either hiding something or not ready for the absolute transparency that a good relationship requires.

• Don’t rush off to the alter, no matter how much in love you are. Especially if you’re head over heels. Slow down and take your time. The hormones and pleasure centers in your body and brain will shut out critical thought. You won't be able to evaluate clearly until you calm down and begin to discover who this person really is.

**Note: It should be mandatory for everyone to live together for at least 2 years before considering marriage.

If that were the common practice, then most marriages would never happen. But then, the wedding planners, caterers, clothing purveyors and divorce lawyers would be out of a job. Boo hoo!

-Shane Eric Mathias