Happiness Tree

How Do Children Learn the Skills Necessary to Form Successful Relationships?

Children learn more by example than from the spoken word. It would be difficult to communicate to a child, who has no previous relationship experience the concepts of respect, freedom of expression, shared values, support, etc. But, interestingly, they can understand when those qualities are lacking in their parents, even if they cannot articulate exactly what is wrong or how they know it to be so.

Therefore, those who have children or are in a position to influence them and who care about their intellectual and emotional development, need to examine their own relationships and how those not only determine the course of their own lives, but how they set either a positive or negative example for the young, impressionable minds in their midst.

One unfortunate side effect of a child's miraculous learning ability is that even when they observe cruel, abusive or anti-social behavior and recognize it as wrong, they nonetheless begin to lay down patterns in their own developing mind that may cause them to later replicate those behaviors. This sets up the adolescent or young adult for emotional and relational problems down the road. He may engage in bad behavior, knowing its wrong and only later admonish himself for it… "Why did I do that?"

In and ideal world, society would aspire to modeling "The Golden Rule" as the archetype for successful relations. But when parents lack the capacity to act with integrity and compassion in their own relationships, they run the risk of passing on their bad behavior, like a virus to their impressionable child.  When that child reaches adolescence, he may find within himself a stranger, someone he does not like and cannot understand. This ambivalence is at the core of much adolescent and young adult angst, leading to toxic attachments that in some way resemble relationships from their dysfunctional childhood, laying the groundwork for potential drug abuse or other forms of self harm. 

It may take many years for the individual to unravel and correct the complex web of learned behaviors, internal stories and dysfunctional patterns that has led to their inability to bond successfully to self and others.

How Can Adults Excel at Helping Children Build Successful Relationships?

Teach children by example. Examine your own behavior and relationships. Understand that by exposing children to irrational drama, emotional friction, abuse and manipulation, we are programming them to act out those behaviors later in their own lives. Though unintentional, this is a cruel thing to do to a young mind.

When one decides to either have children or work closely with them, whether one-on-one or in groups, it must be understood, every word, every action has consequences. Every disingenuous act is setting up a duality in the developing mind of the child observing that behavior. Potentially driving a wedge between their pure, unadulterated soul and the outer self, through which they will one day engage the world.

In Buddhism it has been understood for centuries that we achieve Nirvana through the integration of our inner and outer selves. This may explain how we are naturally drawn to those rare individuals whose persona shines from a deep, tranquil inner core and repulsed by others who present a facade of disorganized and conflicting patterns.

Ultimately, if what we want is to pass along to our children a true faith in themselves, an understanding of healthy boundaries, a sense of integrity, a value for kindness and an ability to create and maintain healthy relationships, then it is incumbent upon us to work towards those qualities in our own lives.

All too often, becoming a parent is the universal impetus for finally getting our life together. 

-Shane Eric Mathias

 

A Reader Asks: "Does Money Bring Happiness?"

About a decade ago, I had recently sold my parents’ home. It had been paid off for years and so the proceeds were entirely profit. I had the better part of a million dollars in the bank.

Other than that, my life was a mess. I had many health problems, I was entangled in a legal issue that threatened to curtail my freedom and I was in a loveless marriage that was disintegrating. I feared that the proceeds from my parents’ home would become fair game for my wife’s lawyer once we began divorce proceedings.

Based on the dollar amount in my bank account, I could buy any car I wanted, I could take multiple trips around the world, I could relocate to a tropical island and live like a king for the rest of my life. But, given the reality of my health and legal problems, I was forced to stand and fight for my future. And as it turned out, much of the money did in fact go to satisfy legal issues, to pay for divorce settlements and to cover my living expenses during that time when I was too encumbered by such problems to hold down a job. I managed to save enough to put a down payment on a home.

I now live on a fixed income, but I have learned to manage my money in such a way that I can live as I please and even set aside money for travel. I am in a wonderful relationship, stay busy with creative projects and gardening. I am happier than I have ever been and it has nothing to do with how much money I have.

---

The point here is, when one aspect of a person’s life is
viewed out of context, it distorts the reality of their actual experience. 

---

Here is a general rule about money and happiness that applies to all of humanity

"It is essential to have just enough money to not worry about
how bills will be paid or how to keep our belies full".

Below that line, stress and worry rob us of the emotional freedom to be happy. Above that line, other less tangible qualities like attitude, health, relationships, work satisfaction and self esteem begin to play a larger role in our overall life satisfaction”.

---

I have known several millionaires and many with 6 figure incomes. Here is what I have observed:

• They continue to work in spite of having plenty of money. Why? Because a healthy human spirit seeks opportunities for achievement and recognition. They need a purpose; a reason to get up in the morning and be useful or of value to others.

• They question whether friends are sincere, or just hoping some of that wealth will rub off on them. So they often associate with other rich people who don’t need their money. But those relationships are often shallow and superficial.

• Satisfying relationships often elude them. Wealth often creates dangerous liaisons. Wealthy persons are constantly approached by attractive interlopers, seeking a ride on their coat tails. These “gold diggers” can be very seductive, feigning affection while developing long-term plans to feather their nest at the expense of others. Money brings all kinds of young and beautiful people into your sphere that may not have the best of intentions. 

• They struggle with how to raise their children. Should the spoil them with free tuition, cars, travel and homes, or compel them build character through tough love, by motivating them to learn the skills and discipline necessary to succeed on their own?

 

Here is the philosophy I live by with regard to money and happiness:

Rather than worrying about creating ever larger pot of financial resources, learn to live well within the resources you have. Chances are you’ll sleep better, have stronger, more meaningful relationships, higher quality children, more sincere friendships and ultimately a happier life than many who are burdened by heavier wallets.

-Shane Eric Mathias

Can Traveling Be an Important Part of Your Happiness Strategy?

Indeed it can and should!

 

A big part of the frustration with modern life is the routine and monotony of repetitive activities that seem to do little, in and of themselves, to provide anything of value: 

• Alarm clocks

• Commuting

• Toxic people and work environments

• Eating on the run

• Paying bills

To and from work, we might listen to stories on the radio that leave us with the impression that the world is falling apart. All of this has the effect of dulling our senses and immersing us in a shroud of fear that keeps our internal defense mechanisms in a perpetual state of readiness. 

We lose an appreciation for the little things that restore joy and remind us to be grateful. 

Travel can be a way to reset our mind and body, indeed our very life. We once we have arrived at our destination, we set our own schedule. Very often we hand over responsibility for transportation to someone else, whether it be a train, a taxi or an excursion operator. We can sit back and take in the scenery. 

The new sights, sounds, smells and experiences broaden our awareness to the wider world and our imagination is rediscovered. Curiosity, wonder and awe are rekindled as we behold the depth, diversity and complexity of different lands, cultures and history. 

To learn more, read Wes' article on Travel Local. Peruse the site and be led by your curiosity to different journeys you might plan for the future. Bon Voyage! 

-Shane

The Sad Facts About the Pursuit of Happiness

Fact: Most people cannot say that lead happy lives.

Though they may find happiness in fleeting moments, their relationships, work and personal lives leave them feeling empty.

Fact: Much of the well-intended research and content on happiness doesn’t help.

Because it relies too heavily on platitudes, koans, and nebulous spiritualisms. These lead one to believe they are, for whatever reason, incapable of unwrapping some thinly veiled, secret knowledge. Eventually frustrated, they turn away and stop seeking, stop listening. Perhaps resigning themselves to the nihilistic message: “Life is hard and then you die”. 

Why is this?

Because the entire concept of happiness has been distorted: Confused with states of mind like nirvana, elation, bliss, etc. And while a happy life certainly sets the stage for these fleeting emotional experiences, the expectation that anyone can render themselves completely immune from the difficulties of modern life causes humanity to seek solace in all kinds of destructive behaviors like: experimentation with drugs; meaningless sex with multiple partners; spending sprees that run up the credit card balance; addiction to foods; dangerous adrenaline producing activities like street racing, skydiving, rock climbing and so on. Activities that eventually may lead the participants farther from their ultimate goal. 

That is not to say that all fun is bad. Certainly not. But fun that carries with it a high degree of risk, tempts fate and threatens to destroy any chance of a life balance that might actually set the stage for happiness to thrive. 

Chasing that perpetual high as if we could actually catch it is like trying to run toward the horizon. The closer you get, the more it retreats from you.

How should we view happiness to bring it into greater alignment with reality?

Step out of our lives to take a broader view of the human condition. Our parents, teachers, mentors and counselors bored us to death by admonishing us to reflect on how many other people are so much worse off then ourselves. And though this can easily be written off as a pointless intellectual exercise, it is actually useful to consider the many millions of other innocent men, women and children without a place to call home, without healthy food or clean water, without basic sanitation or freedom from violence. 

Losing perspective of this robs us of a basic fact: 

That it is truly difficult to find happiness when we are hungry, thirsty, have no shelter, or ability to bathe ourselves. And yet, happiness survives.

Even among the most oppressed, when their basic human needs have been denied, happiness can still be experienced through the miracle of cold water, to quench the thirst, a safe, warm place to sleep, a nutritious meal with friends and family or a cease fire that raises a hope of peace. 

Yet, for you, here at home, dealing with life in the fast lane, reflecting on others' misfortunes seems of little comfort when you lose a job, when a primary relationship fails or suddenly ends, when your health takes a turn for the worse, when unexpected expenses threaten to impact you financially. These do indeed lead to real emotional trauma. 

Until you translate these abstract concept into action, move the set point at which you choose to be happy.

When you assume that food, shelter, water and safety are guaranteed and a matter of entitlement, these things no longer bring happiness. Therefore, we unwittingly place our set point beyond those basic needs. “Yes, I am safe, warm and healthy, so what? I don’t have ______________ “ (fill in the blank). We are unable to recognize all the we DO have and find gratitude in that.

---

Regardless of your political view of the refugee crisis now playing out on the world stage, refugees are forced to leave their homes, families, language, cultures, foods, memories, everything that has made them who they are. They are forced to start over, forced to learn a new language, to get used to new customs and foods, forced to find new housing, to learn how to drive or how to use the bus. So many things that we take for granted they must struggle and fight to attain, while coping with the emotions of being displaced, pushed out, reliving the horror of loved ones who disappeared or were lost to violence. And yet, they go to school, they learn the language, they find work and often start businesses. And yes, they somehow, once again, find happiness. 

Now let’s look at your situation: 

You say you’re unlucky: You have a bed, food in the refrigerator, a place to bathe and hopefully your health. These are not small things. In the overall human experience, these account for 99% of our needs. And you are lucky to have them.

You say you’re misunderstood: We are all misunderstood. No one can truly know us except ourselves. Seek not to receive understanding and compassion from others, seek it instead from within. The most you can do is deal fairly with others, honestly. Speak your desires and intentions clearly and the rest is beyond your control. Your happiness arises in this area from knowing that you have integrity. That you have treated others as you would wish to be treated. 

You say things are hopeless: Life is unpredictable and is full of surprises. I have read about and experienced being at an extremely low point in life when serendipitously, the arrival of a new idea, a chance opportunity or an unexpected meeting turned everything around. Hope is a faith in the energetic productivity of life. Look around you. Everywhere you see life emerging and thriving. Yes, there is poverty and despair, but there is also cooperation and creation happening everywhere in the cosmos. Your responsibility is to remain open to that inevitability. If you see life as a wave, dipping and rising, ebbing and flowing, then you know there will be low and high points. You must accept that as a reality of life and not place a value judgement on it. Good, bad, right, wrong, etc. 

---

 

If we were to say that dark is bad and light is good, then we would curse the night sky. But it is precisely because of that darkness that we can see the light emanating from stars light years away. 

---

So to conclude: Happiness does not arise from the sum total of things that are happening to you, but rather from who you are, what you choose to believe and what you make happen. Happiness also arises from laying down a firm, integrated foundation. By that I mean consuming in moderation; keeping emotions in check; getting plenty of rest; evaluating, pruning or nourishing our relationships to others; keeping our channels open for knowledge and wisdom to stream in; cleaning, organizing and maintaining our personal space. And most of all, not undervaluing, but rather having gratitude for the simple, yet fundamental building blocks of human life: health, food and shelter. When all else seems against us, we can still find happiness in the knowledge that we will ride out this storm and turn it into and opportunity to prepare ourselves for the moment when Nature’s cycles will inevitably carry us aloft again. 

-Shane Eric Mathias

 

Alone For the Holidays? It's Okay. And Here is Why

If you're like me, you have a very small family, or your family lives far away and you unfortunately see them less than you'd like. As a result, holidays, like Christmas and the New Year can seem especially cruel. Images of families, happily sharing meals, opening gifts together, laughing and rejoicing in each other's company stream across our television screens and flash from our computers, causing us to feel that we're somehow flawed if we find ourselves alone at this time. 

But in contrast, I can tell you, having known people who are expected to attend the same family gatherings year after year, many secretly long to curl up alone by the fire and read a book. They may be surrounded all day, every day, by people at work and at home and when that holiday vacation rolls around, they'd rather be anywhere but at Aunt Susan's stuffing their faces, feeling bloated and listening to the same mind-numbing stories and bad jokes.

So understand, first and foremost, there are many who would envy your solitude. Try to appreciate this as a time to reflect on the passing year, a chance to imagine how you'll create new opportunities for yourself in the year that's beginning to appear just over the horizon. 

Yes, there may be pain

Yes, the reasons for your solitude may be painful and complicated. I understand that, having spent several Holidays alone. It seems to be the time when we feel most intently the absence of those we love, or have loved. And like me, you've probably had to hold it together all year, in spite of your personal challenges. Hold it together for work, for family or maybe you just stoically refused to let it affect you. But now, here you are. It's just you and the undeniable reality of your life, as it currently is. Your solitude at this inauspicious time is forcing you to confront your demons. Don't push it away. Let the tears flow, have a good cry, feel the pain and understand that on the other side, will be healing and renewal. 

It's not unlike the Natural cycle of the seasons. In Winter, animals slow down or hibernate, plants become dormant and shed their leaves. The sky becomes dark and rain cleanses the land. All in preparation for Spring, when new life looks only forward, remembering not the somber days past. 

We are part of Nature. As such, whether you believe it or not, we also have seasons. Some are colder and harsher than others. Many bring abundance and warmth, but we have little control over when stormy weather will once again descend We must accept that there will be painful or lonely times. Remember, stars can only shine when the sky is dark. You too must know darkness to know light.

It is a natural, normal transformative process and when you emerge, as the butterfly does from her chrysalis you'll have more clarity, greater self awareness and a renewed sense of purpose and connectedness. 

 

---

Here is an excerpt from one of my other articles on "The Essential Power of Solitude".

"To co-opt a term from the digital world, solitude allows us to "download" the raw images, feelings and thoughts from our complex external lives and process them into usable data, creating and updating a matrix through which we become increasingly efficient at extracting lessons and knowledge, that eventually season into wisdom.

For most of us, from the moment we awaken, until we return to sleep, our lives are filled with activity. The health of our social spheres and indeed our very survival depend on us being present and intentionally aware during these activities. But that intense focus and busyness must be punctuated by intervals of silence and solitude, otherwise, our mind never gets a chance to catch up, to remain continually acquainted with our evolving sensations and experiences. We miss out on the rich consciousness building kernels of understanding that eventually add up to personal growth.

It would be like eating, for the shear pleasure of taste, but then having the food pass through us undigested, gaining nothing from the nutrients locked within. While your digestive system can function just fine on the run, your mind cannot. It needs rest and time to update it's circuits. And this can only be accomplished during periods of solitude". 

---

So use this time to enjoy and gain inner peace from your solitude. Yes, you may be alone, but take inventory of all that is still right in your life: you have warmth and shelter, you have food in the fridge and you have your health. You are better off than a great many other people struggling all day, every day across the globe. Focus on that, give thanks and prayers for others less fortunate.

Be well, 

-Shane

 

How to Be Happy - The Quick Start Guide

I know from experience that the last thing an unhappy person is likely to do is read a book or a lengthy article on how to find happiness. That is why I decided to cover the major points here, so you can get on with the business of living, rather than just reading about it.

---

So here we go.

Here are the major key areas of your life that need to be maintained and functioning well in order for happiness to grow.

---

Love 

A. Self Love - This is more important than familial or romantic love. You must stop focusing on what you believe others think of you, or what you have been told in the past, as often, those judgements arise from the speaker's self loathing. Spend time alone, steeped in an activity like walking or gardening (something that allows the mind to wander) and talk to yourself. That's right! Have a conversation about what makes you unique and special (trust me, there is something) and learn to love and cultivate that. Love is contagious. When you love yourself, others will also find you more interesting and attractive. 

B. Optimize your Relationships - Having lots of friends, whether on Facebook or in the flesh sounds great, but it is of little real importance. Having one or two friends you can trust and that truly love you is priceless. Weed out the part time, "fair weather" friends and focus on strengthening those connections that are truly worth saving. 

When it comes to family, it becomes a little harder. Just because you're related doesn't mean you like each other or are compatible. Parents, siblings, spouses, even children can drain our life energy through manipulation, interference, meddling, jealously and anger. To find true happiness, you must distance yourself physically and emotionally from these individuals. It may not be easy, but not doing so perpetuates the bad behavior. When you finally put up that wall, those family members who mistreat you will find someone else upon whom to focus their vitriol. And you will find a new "Freedom" and peace of mind that rests on courage and self-determination.

Health 

A. Physical Health - Being in the best possible physical health is essential preparation for happiness to flourish. For each person, this may mean something different. Many of us struggle with chronic diseases such as arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Sometimes, it is our behavior that causes these maladies to arise and take hold. When that is the case, doing what is needed to eliminate these dis-ease, factors from our lives will make more energy available to improve or just live our lives. 

Work on reducing excess weight, improve sleep habits, learn about and practice wholesome eating habits, reduce stress at work and home by changing jobs if necessary and establishing good lifestyle habits. 

B. Emotional Health -  It is not an overstatement to say that most of us have emotional health issues. Some hold us back and limit our joy and others can be serious, life threatening patterns. Many of these emotional patterns arise in childhood. Left unchecked, they follow us into adulthood, interfering in our self esteem, relationships and with achieving success. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, spend time alone, reading, listening to videos and podcasts on various aspects of human emotions. Your inner mind (subconscious) knows where healing is needed. By strolling through a bookstore, surfing videos and other resources on human emotions, you will find yourself attracted to certain subjects and areas of study. Follow those and be led instinctively toward healing from the inside out. The progress will be slow, but eventually permanent and life altering. Invest time in your Emotional Life and reap the dividends of a clear mind, at peace.

Freedom

Freedom and Purpose are less tangible components of your happiness strategy, but no less important. It is this "mysterious quality" that keeps people from understanding or working on these areas of their lives. Don't let that be you. 

Freedom is the absence of restraints by internal or external forces. Forces which might otherwise seek to keep you from reaching your full potential. Sadly and all too often our own limits are merely imagined. But when we imagine those limits long enough, they harden into beliefs and then become self-imposed barriers to success.

Examples of how this insidious and common dysfunction manifests in our lives are: lack of confidence, or fear of failure; choosing to stay in relationships that do not serve you and that drain your personal power.

Another big problem is laziness - not overcoming inertia. But laziness is usually something else in disguise. More often than not:Fear. Overcome the fear and the energy to address challenges will be easily ignited. 

Other Freedom robbers are the expectations of others. "You must marry this or that kind of person". "You must finish school and begin your career as (fill in the blank)". "You must run the family business or take care of your brother". Whatever. You catch my drift. It may be counterintuitive, but most barriers to our freedom, involve us not choosing to be free.

It may not be easy, it may feel selfish and cruel, but in reality, by holding yourself back, you are encouraging those who oppress you to remain stuck in their dysfunctional patterns too. If you choose freedom of thought, freedom of love, freedom of passion, those who depend on your failure, will need to find alternative means of meeting their needs. That very action may also lead to their growth and personal empowerment. This is how self care benefits you and everyone around you. Even your detractors. 

Purpose

This is what everything else leads up to. This is the rarefied air at the top of the summit, the frosting on the cake, the meaning of life, whatever metaphor seems to fit.

When you have organized and optimized the preceding branches of your Happiness Tree, you will have the space, time and energy in your life to discover and follow your passion. This is a human birthright that few ever get the opportunity to exploit. Henry David Theoreau said: "Most [people] lead lives of quiet desperation and die with their song still inside them".

Whether by Nature, the Universe or God, fate intends for us to find our purpose and leave our world a better place.

The truth is, having structure in our lives, a driving passion, a reason to get up in the morning, gives our life meaning. It makes the journey more interesting and satisfying. It gets us engaged in the world around us, puts us in contact with like-minded people, expands our mind, improves our health and ultimately, makes us happier. If we do end up leaving the world a better place, great! 

---

That's it! You've completed the Quick Start Guide to Happiness. How does it feel? 

Whether you know it or not, you are now more empowered to go out and make your life better. 

Now, I challenge you to re-evaluate these 4 areas of your life: Love, Health, Freedom and Purpose and do all you can to optimize them. I guarantee you that this process will result in a better life and greater overall satisfaction. 

---

For more resources please avail yourself of these other great resources:

• SEMathias.com
• The Happiness Tree book
• Wonderlust.com
• Mind Cultivation.com
• The Art of Wellbeing

-Shane Eric Mathias

Find me on Facebook and Twitter. Or email me for questions or comments.

What is the Happiness Tree? A Practical System for Cultivating Success In Life.

Happiness need not be a mysterious, elusive condition. The chart above demonstrates that happiness can result from a holistic approach to life and that success can be achieved by working simultaneously on foundational elements or "Limbs" Love, Health, Freedom and Purpose. 

The Happiness Tree is a way of visualizing the anatomy of happiness as one would view a family tree, to understand how each component is related to the whole. Just as science has mapped the human genome to understand the very code that supports life itself, it stands to reason that Happiness (a condition so fundamental to the human experience that it is synonymous with “quality of life”) can also be broken down into its elemental parts and then reassembled into a system for understanding and creating a successful life.

It took me 3 years of introspection, deconstructing my own struggles with sustaining satisfaction in my work, relationships and life, coupled with research into the many emotional, physical and spiritual factors that influence how we view, respond to and evolve from our life experiences, to arrive at this deep understanding of the ways in which we, and our life experiences, co-create each other.

It turns out how those experiences are guided, crafted and responded to is of critical importance to our personal evolution and level of satisfaction. 

This led me to the realization that the four limbs of Love, Health, Freedom and Purpose could be viewed as the robust structural members of our lives, like the columns of a cathedral, the piers of a bridge or in this case, the limbs of a tree. I chose a tree because it is a living, evolving entity that is rooted to the ground and yet reaches for the clouds. A quality I believe represents the need-in our human lives-for a healthy balance between being grounded, (through our need for security and stability) and being aspirational, through the boundless force of our imagination.

Additionally, like human life, a tree has a complex structure, reaching in many directions, with an intricate interplay between major and finite elements. With the trunk defining our core, I could see that limbs and branches could perfectly represent and illustrate the many ways our desire for Love, Health. Freedom and Purpose are expressed and experienced in our lives. 

Finally, the Canopy, composed of leaves, the most delicate components of a tree, reach out to receive sunlight. They are kissed by the rain and cooled by the breeze. They provide nutrients for and are simultaneously supported by the whole system. It is through these thousands of delicate wonders that we-as humans-metaphorically connect with the world around us. 

And just aa a tree must be properly fed, pruned and cared for, our lives also require ongoing maintenance and attention. And a healthy tree, just like your healthy life, develops a well-rounded Canopy: balanced, comfortable in its niche and a joy to behold.

Please feel free to copy and save the Happiness Tree chart to study and share.

And for a complete description of how to understand and apply this revolutionary system in your own life, read "The Happiness Tree". Now available in paperback and e-book format from all fine online book retailers.

"The Happiness Tree", now on your favorite device

Looking for just the right version of

"The Happiness Tree"?

Whether you read on Kindle, Android or iPad, you should find just the version you're looking for using one of these two services shown below:

Amazon - Kindle

Google Play

 

If you're having trouble finding any of the following books by Shane Eric Mathias:

•The Happiness Tree
•Man-Up
•How to Make Love to a Woman

Please send an email to [email protected]
regarding any questions or concerns you may have and we'll get right back to you with the information you're seeking. 

Thank you! 

Life is Good - Be Happy

Take this short, upbeat journey into the world of Sustainable Happiness.

Learn about the new book:

"The Happiness Tree"

 

 

What Will Happiness Feel Like In Your Body?

It may seem like an odd question, but for those who have been under stress for years, the body and brain become conditioned to anxiety and worry. All systems recognize this as "normal", such that when another feeling attempts to rise above the fray, the individual senses it as "unfamiliar" and the usual pattern is reestablished.

This insidious and unhealthy condition becomes the invisible bubble through which many see and interact with the world. Unable to feel completely connected to anyone or anything, because fear is the only companion they trust. 

As sad as this sounds, I would bet that many of you either know someone suffering from this perceptual distortion or that you yourself feel trapped in this vicious cycle.

If so, there is good news! There is life after worry and stress and there is a world, just beyond the one you're currently living in where peace and harmony rule the day. But it will take a little "re-patterning" to get you there.

First and foremost, you must take a leap of trust

You must admit you're exhausted from living this way and that you desperately desire to be unchained from the mill wheel of worry. So much so that you're willing to grope in the dark for a while, confident that you will eventually discover a passageway to a new paradigm. 

If you're not there yet, let's discuss some facts

Stress kills. Stress is perhaps the leading and most under diagnosed cause of every major (non-contagious) illness that plagues society today. That would include heart disease, cancer, mental illness, (including Alzheimers and dementia), obesity, diabetes and the list goes on.

While this should be enough to motivate even the most stubborn individual, change is not easy. Living with stress as a constant companion in a way is inherited. Not necessarily genetically (although that may be a component), but inherited though observation of parental behavior. 

Stress Patterns Often Begin in Childhood

If a parent was constantly on the edge and over-reacting to stimuli, the young person's brain begins establishing neural networks to emulate this behavior. Put another way, "monkey see, monkey do". And that type of hard-wired pattern is difficult to break out of, because literally, the sufferer really knows no other way.

So where do you start?

There is indeed some work to do first. That is why you have to be sufficiently motivated, because there will be rough patches, where you will slide back and feel overwhelmed. You must trust that there is a new, better day ahead and stay the course, even when the goal is not yet in sight. What follows are some changes you'll need to consider. 

Stress Producing Relationships

This work is highly individual, depending on your particular situation. Many people living in a stress bubble perceive the world as a dangerous place and believe there is strength and security in numbers. They form alliances with others who perceive the world in a similar way, thereby compounding their own stress as they have now-in a way-assumed responsibility for another person. A person who rather than being an asset, has become a dependent liability. 

This may be a brother, sister, wife, husband, friend, or other co-dependent person. The similar personality styles reinforce each other, making it yet more difficult to make a fresh start. These negative, stress reinforcing relationships must evolve or be brought to a close if any progress is to be made. This can be a scary proposition, understandably and it may require some professional support to gain the necessary confidence to strike out on your own.

Evaluate Your Work and Make Necessary Changes

Other situations that may cause or reinforce stress in our lives are our work environments. Unfortunately, the workplace can bring out the most disgusting and destructive human behaviors. People gossip, form alliances against one another, undermine coworkers reputations by telling lies and so on. These people and situations cannot be changed. What must change is you. These hostile and toxic environments, while very common are not normal or healthy. You must find another more suitable and appropriate work that brings positive things to your life. 

Optimize Health

The person with a healthy body is the one most likely to experience happiness. That is not to say that persons living with chronic conditions like arthritis or other "auto-immune" disorders cannot be happy, indeed they can. But efforts must be made to achieve their best level of health given their circumstances. Once one is on the path towards better health, when "Sustainable Happiness" does begin to develop, often the symptoms of the underlying condition subsides or it may disappear all together. 

To Change your Brain, You Must Change Your Life. And Visa Versa 

Meaning that if you want to bring peace and harmony into your life, you must involve yourself in activities that support it. People who arrive home after work to stressful relationships, then start watching stress producing images on television, then retire to bed, only to toss and turn, feeling tired when they awaken, cannot just make a shift to a better life. They must involve their mind and hands in new positive and productive patterns.

This is why so many people take on a hobby or begin to experiment with art or gardening. It is extremely therapeutic. In many cases, this one change alone can start a cascade of new thoughts and experiences that alter consciousness. You can view yourself from a new perspective. As someone who is capable of success. Someone who can set goals and achieve them. 

 Perhaps the one most important repetitive thought that reinforces stress is "I am powerless". When you come to understand that you are indeed powerful and capable of surprising yourself by acquiring new skills, problems that you once just resigned yourself to suddenly appear surmountable. You begin solving problems rather than just accepting them. 

What does happiness feel like in the body? 

In essence, how will you know you've arrived or are heading in the right direction? When you start feeling different in your body. We think of stress as a mental condition, yet it not only affects but also resides in the body. Therefore, when stress begins to dissipate, a lightness arises within us. We may awaken to a strange feeling: the absence of negative thoughts.

But before that happens, the mind becomes clear and this opens up a new world of awareness. Suddenly, you look outside and recognize it's a beautiful day. Many similar days may have passed you by and no such observation was made. But now, it hits you: Life is good! Maybe you'll go for a walk or start on a creative project. A new source of energy becomes apparent and as a result, more seems possible. 

Then the awareness descends from the mind into the body. The pain and discomfort that was once a constant has moved out. What replaces it at first, feels like and uncomfortable void. Then you realize: this is how I was meant to feel. Relaxed, calm, energetic yet not neurotic. The thought arises to pinch yourself. Perhaps this is a dream state or some chemical imbalance has altered reality. Yet the wonderful truth is, you have finally emerged from the altered state you thought was real. This is actually life as it was meant to be lived.

And now that you have experienced it, you don't ever have to go back to your previous tortured existence. You are free. 

Doesn't it feel great? 

Shane Eric Mathias is the author of the groundbreaking new book, "The Happiness Tree", now available through all online book retailers.

Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Smashwords

 

 

Related articles

What Is Happiness and How Can You Attain It?

Master Your Mind and Your Brain for a Much Happier Life!

If Your Life Feels Out of Control, Create a Plan that Allows You to Slow Down!